Loss to Learning to Leading

Surviving Father Finds Purpose Through TAPS Workshop

When my son, Aviation Boatswain's Mate Aircraft Handler Joseph Naglak died in September 2018 during flight operations aboard the aircraft carrier USS George H.W. Bush (CVN 77), just two weeks and a few days after he had gotten engaged, I knew more than anything I needed help. It took some time to be open to the calls from TAPS, but when I did connect, I learned that the devastating, overpowering sadness I felt was normal, that I was not, indeed, crazy, and I was not alone. This knowledge in itself helped more than can be counted. 

Later, I signed up for my first Dare to Lead™ Zoom class through the TAPS Institute for Hope and Healing® at the start of the pandemic in 2020 — little did I know the impact Brené Brown’s work on leadership would have on my life. It gave me a new sense of purpose — to try to help people and make a difference to those in need, particularly those grieving and experiencing loss. But, what does learning about leadership have to do with grief, one might ask? The answer, to me, lies in understanding that leadership in its simplest form is really about connecting with people. That, to be an effective leader, the very first person you truly need to connect with is yourself. Indeed, it is only by connecting with yourself and leading yourself through the wilderness of grief that you can ever truly recover. 

One of my favorite Brené Brown videos, of the many I have seen, is her “Manifesto of the Brave and Brokenhearted.” It begins, “There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics among us than those of us who are willing to fall because we have learned how to rise.” It concludes, “We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong.” As people who have lost someone in the military, we are truly the brokenhearted, and as I have seen so many times, we are all also brave.  That I have witnessed, and so here is my own manifesto, based on Brené Brown’s model, for those who have lost, whatever that loss might be. 

Manifesto for Those Who Have Lost

Part of our existence as humans is that, with certainty, as we age we will experience loss. Loss can take many forms with many faces. The experience is, for many of us, one of struggle, one of suffering, one of intense, sometimes varied emotions as we try to make sense of it and fill the void left behind.

As we grieve and mourn, it is our choice to own our story of struggle, feel the pain of our loss, or try to avoid it. In the end, though, we cannot really escape our reality. When we deny it, it will define us. When we run from our struggle, we will never truly be free, and our passivity may reverberate in ways we cannot anticipate, wounding others along the way. So, we must turn toward the truth of our suffering and pain, and look it in the eye. We must remain mindful, nonjudgmental, and treat ourselves with as much self-compassion as we possibly can. We are not characters in our story. We are simply people who have lost something that can never be regained.

Though we will never be the same, if we can do the hard work that lies ahead, if we can face our struggle and pain and tell our story, we can turn and write our own daring endings for how our life should unfold. With courage and fortitude, we can become authentic and mindful, growing into the best versions of ourselves we can be.

We can change ourselves and the world for the better, and — in that process — we will bring honor to the memory of those we lost, those who will always have a place in our hearts and in our minds. 

“Indeed, it is only by connecting with yourself and leading yourself through the wilderness of grief that you can ever truly recover.” 

“We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong.”

Kenneth Naglak is the surviving father of ABHAN Joseph Naglak, U.S. Navy.

Photos: Kenneth Naglak, Pexels and TAPS Archives