Small World, Big TAPS Family

It’s funny how life happens. One minute you’re getting a phone call that your husband “didn’t make it,” and eight years later, you’re a widow wife to one of the most amazing humans. The world most certainly crashed down upon me that dreadful day — I’ll never forget it, or the moments that followed, or the spouse that once was (I know my TAPS Family can relate).

I felt so lost for what felt like such a long time — grieving, processing becoming a widow, feeling alone, and sincerely worrying about how to raise two girls, ages 2 and 4 at the time, by myself. How was I now supposed to be a mom and a dad equally? During one of my many sleepless nights, I remembered someone telling me about TAPS. I called.

To my surprise, someone answered — and through our conversation, they asked if I would be willing to come to Washington, D.C., to meet Bonnie Carroll in person. I naturally jumped at this opportunity — eager to speak to anyone who might know this insurmountable pain I felt. I met with Bonnie for three hours that day. How in the world this amazing woman had three hours to spare and simply listen to me and cry with me, I do not know, but she did. She then introduced me to her team, and I was met with the love and open arms we all long for in grief.

Four years later, in October of 2020, a mom at my girls’ school let me know that another mom’s husband tragically passed, leaving three young boys without their dad. Though I didn’t know this family, I wanted to support them in any way possible. I remember going to the viewing and introducing myself to the grieving widow, Jil. She simply embraced me and thanked me for coming and supporting her despite never formally meeting. I gave her my information, and shortly after, she asked if we could get together to sit and talk.

I learned her boys were 2, 4, and 6 at the time, and her husband was in the Army, just like mine — a pilot, while mine was an infantry officer. We joked that Brian jumped out of Mike’s helicopters. My daughter, Evie, and her son, MJ, were in the same class, yet it was only now that our paths were crossing. I introduced Jil to TAPS and shared how TAPS helps with everything from paperwork to fun experiences just for families like ours.

Jil was like a rock. She was taking the bull by the horns and became my inspiration. In early 2021, she told me that she signed up for TAPS’ Memorial Day weekend seminar and suggested we go together. Five years after losing Brian, I still grappled with my grief. In my mind, the last thing I thought I wanted was to be around other widows and survivors to be even more sad — so the girls and I had never attended a TAPS seminar. Jil encouraged me to think about the girls; it might be good for them to be around other kids in the same situation.

Well, that got me. I signed us up, and it turned out to be the best four days ever. I needed that experience more than I ever could have imagined. I was drowning in ways I didn’t even know. I sat in breakout session after breakout session absorbing everything each presenter discussed, sobbing throughout most of them. It also turned out that meeting other widows, and widowers — parents to surviving children — made me feel less alone in the world. I had never felt safer. For five years, I avoided this weekend, thinking I was protecting myself from more pain when all along, it was what I needed most. For that reason alone, I will forever be grateful to Jil.

The girls, Jil, her boys and I have returned to Arlington for the annual National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp every year since. It’s become our favorite weekend of the year.  Evie and MJ have the same mentor. Jil and I have friends we look forward to seeing and embracing each year. I still soak up each session, but with fewer tears (to be fair, I am a crier). I feel stronger than ever, and I don’t think I would be able to say that if it weren’t for Jil. My girls, Meryn and Evie, have embraced their situation. While our internal team may have decreased by a number, we have gained four friends who live only blocks down the street — not to mention an entire TAPS Family! While I would never wish loss on anyone, I love that my girls get to go to school each day with Jil’s boys, knowing they too are not alone. Evie and MJ will forever have a special bond that most won’t experience.

Jil and I too share a special bond. We call each other our “widow wife.” We met tragedy so young, but understand each other differently than most will fortunately never know. You will see us on the blacktop at school either embracing or giving each other high-fives, en route to conquer our days. One day, I’m going to get us matching capes because I truly believe that solo parents are extra special. I love that whether we’re having a cup of tea or celebrating holidays together, we know that — from a simple complaint to a big anniversary — someone gets it.

Our families came together because of two incredible losses, but with those losses came priceless friendships that will last a lifetime.   

Jessica Kavanagh is the surviving spouse of MAJ Brian Kavanagh, U.S. Army Veteran.

Photos: Jessica Kavanagh and TAPS Archives