Growing Up TAPS: Leaning Into Your Influence as a Parent
Author: Andy McNiel
It is not easy to be a parent today. We compete with so many other things that demand our children’s attention and fill their minds with messages that shape how they see themselves, others, and the world around them. I have had many parents express their frustrations about this current situation and wonder if they even have any sway in their child’s life. Sometimes it feels like these other influences have garnered more attention and make a larger impact than we do as their parents and guardians.
Though this may seem like the case, the reality is that the greatest influences in children’s lives are the adults who are routinely present. We have the power to teach, shape, encourage, lift, support, and impact their lives like no one else by boosting their healthy thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs. Let’s explore how to tap into that power.
Emotional Regulation and Measured Reactions to Challenging Situations
Life can be frustrating. We have all been in situations we did not handle very well. When you add grief into the equation — when emotions may already be high — even the smallest challenge can seem overwhelming. These situations, however, can be teachable moments for our children and teenagers even when they do not see it that way. They need the adults in their lives to demonstrate how to bounce back, live through, hold on to hope, and thrive even when life seems to be against them.
We do this by modeling healthy responses to life’s challenges and by teaching children how to slow down, regulate themselves, and make choices, rather than just reacting in the moment. Modeling happens when we are in the “heat of the moment” and maintain our balance and calm. Our children are watching and learning. Teaching happens when the moment has come and gone and we take the time to sit with our children, recall the situation, and talk about how we reacted, what we might learn from that, and how we might approach things differently in the future. You may not think they are listening, but they are.
Personal Accountability
The first step toward personal accountability is having the freedom to make choices and decisions for ourselves. With your children, determine the values that are most important to you and your family. Agree together on the behaviors that best reflect your beliefs, and create the best environment for your family to thrive — individually and as a unit.
Teach children that their choices matter and have consequences. Hold yourself and your children accountable for behaviors that do not support these values, and establish positive reinforcements or rewards when these shared values are lived out within the family. Life sometimes gets busy, and we may have times when we are more consistent than others. Yet, making the effort to establish expectations and working toward accountability together helps everyone navigate the additional challenges of grief.
Routines and Predictability
The death of someone in the family can disrupt many aspects of our lives, including our routines and pace of life. It can take time to find our footing again and to regain our rhythm. This is to be expected. In some ways, the disruption of routines and predictability is one of the most impactful parts of grief for children, teenagers, and families. This is why — though it may be challenging — creating and reestablishing routines and some sense of predictability in your daily life and your children’s daily lives is very important.
We know that there are many factors that we — and they — cannot control or predict, but children fare better when they have some idea of what to expect from their day. Establishing rituals — daily, weekly, monthly, and annual — helps children feel safe and secure. Rituals provide something to look forward to and depend on. Draw inspiration from our list of routines and rituals to share as a family, and start the new year with a few intentional ways to encourage healthy outcomes in your children’s lives after a loss.
Postponed Grief: Those Who Tend to Avoid Grieving
At different times in grief, the pain is just too much to bear, and we might find ourselves doing things to avoid this discomfort. From time to time, this is certainly natural — even necessary — for people of all types of grief styles. There are those children and teenagers, though, who tend to use avoidance, denial, or distractions to postpone grief or keep themselves from experiencing grief altogether. This can look like focusing on making good grades, stepping into voids left by the person who died and taking on their roles, or staying so busy that they do not have to think about what happened and how it impacted them.
Parents and caregivers rightly worry about their children and teens who have this grieving style — concerned that their grief will show up at a later date and time much worse than if they had addressed it early on. While these concerns are valid, it is important to note that we cannot force a person to lean into their grief. People, including children and teenagers, deserve to do this on their own timetable.
Rather than pushing our children and teens to experience the intensity of their grief, we can focus on our relationship with them. Affirm them, spend time with them, and reassure them that we are there for them and will be there for them should they find themselves experiencing their grief on a deeper level in the future. Building, nurturing, and preserving a strong, supportive relationship will be important when their grief becomes more “front and center” down the road.
Whatever their grieving style might be — one of the three outlined here, a combination of these three, or some other unique way of being in the world — the greatest gift we can give our children and teens as their parents and caregivers is our time, attention, and support. Though it might not always be obvious to us, our children and teenagers need us.
Family Routines and Rituals
- Honor the service of your military loved one through service acts, memorials, or special days.
- Establish dinnertime together each evening or create theme nights for certain meals, like Taco Tuesday.
- Plan special weekly meals, like a standing Saturday morning breakfast or Sunday brunch.
- Block out special weekly activities — a Saturday afternoon hike or Sunday night bonfire.
- Celebrate the birthday of the person who died.
- Light a candle for your person on special occasions or holidays.
- Create theme nights for family activities, like movie night, game night, or karaoke night.
- Set an age-appropriate bedtime and bedtime routine for each child — reading a story, singing songs, bathing, brushing teeth, etc.
- Create structured time for video games and other electronics.
- Establish “outside” time for going to a park, playing in the yard, or sitting on the porch together.
- Schedule time for each family member to have alone time, including you — whether after bedtime or at a set time once or twice each week.
- Create rituals around holidays and be consistent from year to year. Children often carry this over to their families when they grow into adulthood.
- Participate in after-school activities, sports, band, or other extracurricular events.
- Establish a special place where you watch the sunrise or sunset once a month.
Though it may seem as though all of the other influences in our children’s lives have their undivided attention, the reality is that we, as their parents and caregivers, still hold sway. Being consistent, teaching and modeling healthy behaviors and personal accountability, and establishing routines and predictability can make all the difference in their world.
TAPS Youth Programs
TAPS Youth Programs can support grieving children and teens of all ages and grief styles, and support you as their parent or guardian. Our programming and events cater to growing up with grief.
Visit TAPS Youth Programs to learn more about how TAPS supports grieving children of all ages and their parents or guardians.
Andy McNiel, MA, is the Senior Advisor, TAPS Youth Programs. Andy is dedicated to supporting children, teenagers, and families through grief, bereavement, and the general challenges of parenting and growing up. His commitment to healthy children and families is articulated through his work overseeing, developing, and facilitating TAPS Youth Programs, which support young military survivors and their caregivers.
Photos: TAPS Archives