Saturday Morning Message: Changes in Our Lives

Author: Carol Lane

Good morning,

This week's question made me really stop and think. With the beginning of March, things in nature are changing here in Vermont. The sap is beginning to run, and those who make maple syrup are beginning to get ready. The sap is starting to go up into the trees to make the flowers so new trees will begin to replace the old. I think it is the same with my thoughts. My old way of just functioning around my family and friends group has enlarged to connect with others who have lost a loved one in the military, and I have made some really important friendships. One of the ways is through this message. Not only do I connect with others through email, but also it is exciting to meet many of you in person at the National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp held each May. Now I can also listen and understand grief better and know that we can support each other just by listening. I can’t fix it, but I can be there to listen and read. 

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The Saturday Morning Message was created so survivors can share questions and read how others respond. By sharing coping strategies, together we become stronger. I am always looking for questions for future messages. You can also submit favorite songs that are meaningful to you. If you would like to send a message thanking one or all of those who wrote this week, send it to me and I will make sure your thoughts are passed along to them.

You never know how your words may touch the heart of another. I encourage you to reply to the Saturday Morning Message by emailing I directly receive all responses that are sent to this address. In order to have your reply included in the week’s Saturday Morning Message, it is best to send it to me by Tuesday of the following week. This week's question is located below my signature.

One suggestion a survivor had was to include a song of the week, which is now a weekly section. If you have a song that is special to you or reminds you of your loved one, please send it along with a sentence or two about what makes this song distinctive. One of our contributors, Andy, father of Danny, makes a playlist on Spotify of the songs that appear in the Saturday Morning Messages along with a few other songs special to him. You can sign up for Spotify for free to listen to the playlist.The playlist is called “Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors Songs of Love and Remembrance.” I often listen to it and think of our TAPS family while I am on the computer.


Question for Next Week’s Saturday Morning Message 

Lalaine, the managing editor of TAPS Magazine, sent the question for this week. She thought a good question would be, “If you received an American flag at the funeral, what did you do with it? Where do you keep it?” We are looking forward to your responses.

Song for the Week

Cassandra, wife of Jonathan, sent the songs this week. Cassandra wrote, “He made everything better. No matter our situation we both knew day or night all we were was a phone call away from each other. We always had each other’s back. Therefore Diamond Rio’s “One More Day” is my song. If I had one more day with him I’d make sure to never let him go. And to let him know how much I love him. Also Chris Stapleton’s “Fire Away” was the song he said he had dedicated to me. Although I could have a list that’s forever long, these two are the ones that make me stop and sit down for a minute no matter what I’m doing.”

Answers from Survivors

From Andy, father of Danny: The open-ended question from Brandon's mom resonated deeply with me. I had to let Carol know I'd found Janae's song choice and the question of the week to be perfect. You see, this is the week leading up to what will be the sixth anniversary of Danny's death. Yes, time stands still, yet moves, and we are changed. The music reminded me of how I'd been transformed. Five Finger Death Punch's music rocked what Danny felt. It was as if Danny had sent a sign!

Where before I thought I knew things, I now try to just pay attention to things all while knowing less and less. I've far fewer expectations of what's ahead, and I'm far less certain of what I know. And I'm OK with all that. I've reached a place where my trust in the process is complete. I see I'm part of a great human chain of being that is us all. I miss my son. I always will. So some things don't change at all even when everything changes.

From Elsie, mother of Daniel: I am trying to be a better listener. At Daniel’s services, a couple of his military buddies mentioned to me that when they spoke to Daniel, they felt like they always got his undivided attention. I remember when I spoke to Daniel he would always look me in the eye, and it seems like his thoughts didn’t wander. This just came naturally to him. I need to work on it.

From Michele, mother of Stephen: Janae, that is such a great question you sent in. For myself, in the last four years of losing my son, I have changed a lot, found more patience, don't worry so much about the small stuff anymore, and have found my heart wants to comfort anyone who is going through what we have — starting this new journey on finding a new normal. It has made me understand more about grieving. I feel comfortable telling someone that there is no time limit to grieve and that we all do it differently. I have always had a good heart towards people, but it has opened up that much more now. It has softened more and carries a lot of love that I want to give to others. It has helped understand others’ pain. I want to do anything I can with words, hugs, prayers, just a little something that can help others’ pain lessen. So now I have joined Soldiers Angels to give back to the soldiers who are overseas. It not only makes my heart feel good to do that but I feel I am making my son happy to give back what he once received when he was in Afghanistan.


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Visit the TAPS Online Community Calendar for this week's schedule of text and video chats and other offerings. We have a virtual gathering most days of the week. Whether you want to share your story or just read how other survivors are sharing and coping, this online grief support community is a way for you to develop and strengthen your connections with TAPS.

Other Items and Events of Interest

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This Summer, Youth Programs is hosting TAPS Good Grief and Family Camp at Home through August 28. Each week, there are activities and challenges you can complete individually and as a family. Missed a week? No problem - all activities and challenges from previous weeks are available online. Join us for opportunities for you and the kids to connect to mentors and other families through Zoom sessions.

Make plans to join us for our next Virtual Military Survivor Seminar, August 21 and 22. We have new, dynamic sessions available throughout the weekend at no cost, with all of the resources, care and love we can offer, coming to you in the comfort of your home. We'll also have Share Groups, our facilitated support groups, where you can meet other survivors with similar loss experience. We look forward to seeing you online soon!

Save the date! Please join us for the Military Survivor New to Grief Seminar, once per week from September 3 to 24. Together we will work toward two primary goals. First, we will grow deeper understandings as we deconstruct myths about grief, explore the cognitive and physical impacts of grief, and seek to establish a helpful language around our own experiences. Second, we will establish community among our peers so that we have others who have a strong desire to accompany us as we continue navigating the ups and downs of our loss and grief.

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Did you lose your loved on due to an illness loss

If your military loved one suffered with a wound, illness, or injury, please consider taking our new Illness Loss Survivor Survey before August 18th, 2020, so TAPS can honor your loved one through our advocacy efforts. If you took the survey last year, we ask that you retake it as we've made important updates. Your response could help shape policy and legislation, and direct future TAPS programs and services. To learn more, email

Have you lost your job, or have reduced work hours? Or are otherwise affected by COVID-19? If you are grieving the death of a loved one, and their life included military service, we'd like to hear from you. Your feedback will be used to improve TAPS programs and to communicate survivor needs to donors and stakeholders. Tell us more.

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AmazonSmile is a simple way for you to support TAPS every time you shop, at no cost to you. Visit, log in, and select TAPS as your charity of choice. Amazon will give 0.5% of your eligible purchases to TAPS.

About the Saturday Morning Message

The Saturday Morning Message (SMM) is a weekly communication; written and contributed to by survivors. The primary focus of the Saturday Morning Message is to foster peer-based connection for support and encouragement.  It is the goal of this communication to foster a safe, supportive atmosphere where we can openly share in a non-judgmental and caring manner. Read and contribute as you are comfortable, and explore any opinions/ideas shared that are most beneficial to you on your individual journey. Content submitted for inclusion in the Saturday Morning Message is edited for spacing considerations, grammatical corrections and may be used in other TAPS publications.  

To subscribe or contribute to the Saturday Morning Message email

If you ever need to speak to someone regarding an urgent matter or just need a listening ear, the loving family at TAPS is available to you 24 hours a day. Please feel free to contact TAPS at 800-959-8277.