Just Give Me a Reason--Just a Little Bit's Enough

I stood facing down the monster of the holidays this year not knowing which way to turn. I stood trembling and unsure as I stood paralyzed by the pain of the past two Christmas'. Last year, a year I hoped would start the healing, further scarred me. I found out my father who had been working full time, and who was fairly young (71 years old) had two to four weeks to live. I did not deal with it well. My Phil was due home on Christmas Eve. I stood, weighted by the oppressive dark clouds of doubt, loss and fear. I couldn't get past what I did not have and all that I had lost. I stopped looking at the golden gossamer threads of all I do have and that knowledge of knowing what I did have, many people never have.

What would have been my 25th wedding anniversary was the 27^th of November. That day always ushered in the Christmas season for us. I was Miss Christmas--I just love the hope of the season. I needed a little magic and a little faith to embrace that celebration. I forced myself to confront my lack of desire to rip off the band aids. For my anniversary, a promised day of pampering and celebrating our love for one another, I did random acts of kindness to strangers and others. It made me happy to know that I was bringing sparkles to someone else whose hope had been lost. That simple decision led to another decision to put up at least some of the Christmas decorations.

You see, if I do not flee from this mindset of loss, I will be forever stuck in the dreary sadness of despair this time of the year. I want my family back. I want my grandchild to know that Grandma Sasha is Grandma Christmas and that it is a happy day of hope because isn't that what the birth of Christ did? It brought hope to the weary and the despairing. I will not pretend that it is easy. There are moments--many moments--when I am stuck in my pity party of one where I cannot get past what I have lost, but I asked for a reason--any reason to celebrate-- and you, my friends gave it to me in the form of coffee, wreaths, cards, and a spa basket. Random acts of kindness for me as I was doing random acts of kindness brought back a little bit of the magic and that little bit's enough because I'm not broken…I'm just bent.

Maybe Christmas stockings are next? Christmas music? Heck, maybe a little mistletoe? Today there is hope for a brighter tomorrow and there are two angels in heaven who loved Christmas best of all looking down and celebrating with me.