Finding Your Way Through the Holidays

Finding Your Way Through the Holidays

By Lisa Zucker, M.S.W., CT

Senior Director of Training and Education

TAPS Institute for Hope and Healing®

When autumn sets in and the calendar turns toward Thanksgiving and the winter holidays, the pressures of the season can feel almost impossible to escape. The world around us leans into gathering, celebration and gratitude.

For our TAPS families, those who have loved and lost someone who served our nation, the holidays can bring a different kind of heartache. The absence of someone we love can feel more profound than ever: the laughter we long to hear, the voice we wish would call, the face we search for around the table. In a thousand tender and unexpected moments, the season reminds us that someone precious is missing. Sometimes, the emptiest place at the table is the one that holds the most love.

So much of the advice offered with the kindest intentions assumes that grieving people want to retreat from the holidays, close the curtains and wait for January. There are times when that is exactly what our hearts need: a little quiet, a little distance and the freedom to let the season pass without pretending to feel merry and bright. But grief is as individual as love itself, and not everyone finds comfort in stepping away. 

For some of us, there may be times when we surprise ourselves by looking forward to the holidays, even with the ache of someone missing. We may still love the cooking, the music drifting from the kitchen and the joyful chaos of a house full of people. We may long to gather with those who remember our loved one’s laugh, speak their name with affection and share stories we haven’t heard. The very traditions that remind us of who is missing can also help us feel closest to them.

Wherever you fall on that spectrum right now, there is no single right way to arrive at this season.

Holding both truths at once

We often hear the phrase “It’s OK to not be OK.” At TAPS, we add something just as important: It is also completely OK to be OK.

Grief rarely lives in neat, tidy boxes. It is entirely possible to experience opposing realities in the very same moment:

• Looking forward to the holidays is OK. Wanting to cook, decorate, laugh or share a story does not mean you have forgotten your person. It does not mean the absence is smaller; it simply means your heart has enough capacity to hold both a profound ache and an appetite for living.

• Dreading the season is just as valid. If the thought of festive gatherings feels overwhelming or exhausting, you are not failing at healing. Stepping back to protect your peace is an act of care, not a setback.

• Joy is not betrayal. If a genuine laugh catches you off guard, you have not abandoned your person. You are not moving on without them; you are carrying their love forward into the life you are still living.

• Gratitude can be quiet. Gratitude does not require forced cheerfulness or pretending everything is fine. Sometimes it is simply being thankful for the years you had together, five minutes of quiet in your car or one person who sits with you without trying to fix anything.

A gentle plan for the days ahead

Navigating family dynamics, travel and social expectations requires real energy. Rather than pushing through on sheer willpower, you can protect your emotional safety with a flexible plan.

• Keep, change or skip. You have full permission to adjust traditions or simplify plans. Saying “I can’t do that yet” or “I don’t want to do that this year” is completely acceptable. Changing how you mark a holiday today does not mean you have abandoned a tradition forever.

• Decide ahead of time, then stay flexible. Think about how long you might want to stay at an event and give yourself independent transportation so you can leave when you need to. Above all, give yourself permission to abandon the plan if your energy changes.

• Keep your exit simple. You do not owe anyone an emotional explanation to justify taking a break. A calm, simple sentence is enough: “I need to step outside for some air,” or “I’m going to head home for the evening.”

• Carry an anchor. Keep something tangible close by to keep you grounded, such as a watch, a worn piece of their clothing or a pocket stone. Slow, calming breaths or a trusted friend on standby by text can help, too.

• Protect your Plan B. Decide in advance what you will do if the moment arrives and you do not feel up to it. Choosing a quiet night on the couch is a completely valid choice.

• Differentiate solitude from isolation. Needing quiet space to rest and recharge is healthy and necessary. It is not the same thing as isolation, and taking space for yourself is never a failure.

You are not alone in this season

Wherever you are this holiday season, however you are feeling, TAPS support meets you entirely on your own terms. We are a community that is survivor-led, grounded and free of pressure:

• One-to-One Peer Mentors: Connect with someone who has walked this road and wants to understand the specific nuances of your loss.

• Local and Online Care Groups: Join tailored peer groups for adults, spouses, partners, parents, siblings, battle buddies and extended family — available from home or in your local community.

• Resources for Children and Teens: Access age-appropriate tools, materials and specialized support to help kids navigate the season alongside you.

• Our 24/7 Helpline: Whenever the house feels too quiet, the memories feel too heavy or you simply need a steady voice, our National Military Survivor Helpline is answered around the clock at 800-959-TAPS (8277).

When the world around us seems filled with celebration, the absence of someone we love can feel especially profound. But sometimes, hope finds us in the simplest moments: a familiar voice, a shared memory, a laugh or a conversation with someone who understands without needing an explanation.

At TAPS, we know healing begins with that comfort and that we do not have to carry our grief alone. This holiday season, we offer a place where our loved ones’ names are spoken and their stories live on, and where, even in sorrow, there is still room for friendship, laughter, love and hope.