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Love, Loss, and Legacy Love, Loss, and Legacy Don Lipstein Turning Loss into Legacy - TAPS News Don Lipstein For more information on becoming a peer mentor or requesting a peer mentor, visit the TAPS Peer Mentor Program page. In some ways March 15, 2011, seems like yesterday and in others it feels like an eternity ago. That was the day my life turned upside down. I was completely helpless as my oldest son Joshua, 250 miles away from me, hung the phone up before he took his own life. That moment in time is sea
Saturday Morning Message: Helping Extended Family Saturday Morning Message: Helping Extended Family Saturday Morning Message: Helping Extended Family Carol Lane Good Morning, This week's question about noticing or helping extended family through grief came from an article in the last TAPS Magazine titled "Helping a Grandparent Who Is Grieving" By Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. As I read it, I thought about my husband's father who was the only grandparent alive when our son, Bryon, died. The picture of him sitting in our living room hardly able to s
Spotlight on Service: Katherine Castelo Spotlight on Service: Katherine Castelo Spotlight on Service: Katherine Castelo TAPS “If someone is on the phone with me and needs me for three hours, I will make myself available for three hours.” Photo Courtesy of Katherine Castelo That's the approach Katherine Castelo, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, takes when serving TAPS families in her practice. Katherine's dedication is congruent with the level of care TAPS provides to all those seeking assistance. Katherine never puts a ti
Spotlight on Service: Ruth Roberts Spotlight on Service: Ruth Roberts Spotlight on Service: Ruth Roberts TAPS Is the desire to volunteer the product of nature or nurture? In the case of TAPS volunteer Ruth Roberts, it may be a combination. Ruth was born a fifth generation Dutch citizen in The Dutch East Indies, now Indonesia. During World War II, her father suffered brutal treatment as a prisoner of war, and her mother, along with Ruth and two of her siblings, lived in Japanese detention. After the war, a bitter struggle for
Another Chapter of a Father's Journey Another Chapter of a Father's Journey Another Chapter of a Father's Journey Bob Bagosy It's been three years and eight months since Tommy took his life on May 10, 2010, but who's counting? We all are. Everyone who had a son or daughter killed in action in Iraq or Afghanistan, by accident at home, or by suicide. We all remember the date and time. It goes back to all the wars our country has fought. At times we cry for the loss of what might have been…the marriage and grandchild that will never
Colorado Celebrity Classic 2014 Colorado Celebrity Classic 2014 Colorado Celebrity Classic 2014 Christine Burtt A Successful Formula Toward Healing A wonderful healing occurs when people gather to celebrate life. It’s a soothing balm for survivors to feel respect for their lost loved ones, and it’s an opportunity for neighbors to show their gratitude for the profound sacrifices made on their behalf. Lynne and Bo Cottrell, directors of the Colorado Celebrity Classic to benefit TAPS, have found a successful formula toward
Once Upon A Time Once Upon A Time Once Upon A Time Linda Ambard People often put off doing the things they want to do because they believe there will be a better time for it. I know that Phil and I put off those couple's only dates and vacations because we thought we had time. In fact, I pushed for a Phil and Linda vacation together before his deployment, but he wanted to wait because it wasn't his top priority. It became the desire of his heart while he was deployed, and we had plans for that magical day t
Spotlight on Service: Nicki Bunting Spotlight on Service: Nicki Bunting Spotlight on Service: Nicki Bunting TAPS Nicki Bunting may be a busy single mom to two active little boys, but she also cares about helping others and wants to give back to the community. When TAPS Magazine caught up with Nicki by phone in December, she was busy getting holiday gift cards ready to mail to military widows who were struggling. “I know that when I was in my worst of times, I needed a lot of support. To be able to support others when they ar
Spotlight on Service: SFC Pablo Ruiz III Spotlight on Service: SFC Pablo Ruiz III Spotlight on Service: SFC Pablo Ruiz III TAPS Army soldier of 11 years, husband of 19 years, father of a 19-year-old daughter in college, part-time student pursuing a degree in Management Human Resources…you’d think he’d have no time to volunteer. But that’s where you’d be wrong. Sergeant First Class Pablo Ruiz, III, is a dedicated TAPS volunteer. In the two years he has been volunteering for TAPS, his commitment has surpassed all expectations. As a
Spotlight on Service: Shaun Smithson Spotlight on Service: Shaun Smithson Spotlight on Service: Shaun Smithson TAPS “Freedom certainly is not free,” said Shaun Smithson, a longtime TAPS volunteer. “TAPS families know this better than anyone.”Years ago, when Shaun was serving in the U.S. Air Force, his appreciation for surviving families led him to join the team of TAPS volunteers. He joined the Air Force in 1998 after graduating early from high school and his first assignment was to the prestigious Air Force Honor Guard at Joint
TAPS Family Reunion Memorial Day: A Family Reunion Like No Other Memorial Day: A Family Reunion Like No Other \| TAPS Heather Nesle I started at New York Life seven months ago and heard about TAPS on my first day. Since that day, I had been looking forward to attending the National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp in Washington, D.C. The idea of spending Memorial Day weekend assisting military families in some small way was something I was truly looking forward to doing. In addition to being exc
The Capacity to Love The Capacity to Love The Capacity to Love Alan Wolfelt The Reason We Grieve “Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy, but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than
A Father and His Marine A Father and His Marine A Father and His Marine Bob Bagosy My name is Bob Bagosy, I've been asked to write a monthly blog for TAPS from a man's point of view if you will! I'm just a Dad not a professional writer so what I write will be from my heart. On Monday May 10, 2010 the day after Mother's Day around 1:00 PM on a clear, blue, spring afternoon on board Camp Lejeune, my son Sgt. Thomas R Bagosy USMC a career Marine age 25, married father of two children completed suicide in front of Go
Comfort Zones Comfort Zones Comfort Zones Shanette Booker I was never the one to "go out on a limb", or the one who "took a chance", or the "throw caution to the wind" type. I was a girl with a semi-low self-esteem who smiled because she knew some day the world would become a better place for her. I had my own comfort zone with clothing, friends, work, and even with excitement. I would hang out with the same bunch of people, never really letting too many "newbies" get attached or get to know me. I went
Father's Club Father's Club Father's Club Bob Bagosy Four years ago on August 16, 2009 Tommy's friend and hooch mate Cpl. Nick Roush, U.S. Army Special Ops, was killed in action in Afghanistan while serving with a MARSOC Special Operations Team. As I found out later, Nick and Tommy took turns on patrols; he night Nick was killed he had volunteered to take my son's patrol. The vehicle ran over an IED and Nick died. Tommy never mentioned to me what happened, nor did I notice the black bracelet he wore o
National Bereavement Study: A Call to Action National Bereavement Study: A Call to Action National Bereavement Study: A Call to Action TAPS One of the recurring themes of grief is the feeling of isolation, the sensation that we are alone in the world and that no one understands what we are going through. At some point many of us find a way to “give sorrow words” as William Shakespeare wrote more than 400 years ago. We find our voice and want to be assured that someone is listening. The National Military Family Bereavement Study (NMFBS),
Reflections of Yesterday Reflections of Yesterday Reflections of Yesterday Bob Bagosy On September 23, 2013 I traveled to the UK with a group of TAPS parents, who just like me, had their son die in Iraq, Afghanistan, or at home. We went to the UK to meet and visit fellow parents who had their sons die in military service. On September 24, 2013 I arrived in London and took a taxi to our hotel, the Victory Service Club - a British Military Club built in 1907 in the heart of London. I spent some time with TAPS peop
Spotlight on Service: Belle Spotlight on Service: Belle Spotlight on Service: Belle TAPS Honor’s First for Freedom is my full name, but most everyone calls me Belle. I’m a Golden Retriever, born on January 27, 2005, in Charlotte, North Carolina. I left my furry family when I was only nine weeks old and flew to Virginia to start my new life with my new family. My new mom Lisa Dolan met me at the airport in Norfolk, Virginia. Yes, I was born to travel! Besides my mom, I have a sister Becca and a brother Beau. Their fath
Spotlight on Service: Mardee McDaniel Spotlight on Service: Mardee McDaniel Spotlight on Service: Mardee McDaniel TAPS What motivates someone to volunteer for TAPS year after year? The reasons are different for each individual, but often it all comes back to the people we serve. It’s the number one reason for many of our volunteers. One such volunteer, who has been coming back for 14 years, is Mardee McDaniel: California native, ex-software programmer, and mother of two sons, 18-year-old Matt and 15-year-old Ryan. Mardee first
The Mourner's Bill of Rights The Mourner's Bill of Rights The Mourner's Bill of Rights Alan Wolfelt As a bereaved person, you have certain rights that others must not take away from you. In fact, it is the very upholding of these rights that makes healing possible. 1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Don't allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling. 2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your
A Time of Thankfulness A Time of Thankfulness A Time of Thankfulness Rachael Hill The holiday season is one that can be very difficult when you are missing someone you love. Everything is about family dinners and family outings. Family, family, family. While I love spending time with my boys and our friends that have become like family, there is always that stinging reminder that my “family” is not complete since my husband is no longer with us. I have many friends on Facebook doing the “30 days of thankfulness a
Resuming Something Set Aside: The Maine Thing Resuming Something Set Aside: The Maine Thing Resuming Something Set Aside: The Maine Thing Michele Hiester Marcum Vacations have always been a prominent source of my most treasured childhood memories. More often than not, I remember the little details more than the destinations. I don’t remember many of the cities we visited, the events we attended, or the sights we saw. But I remember dining on ham sandwiches from an old Coleman cooler in a hotel room. And I remember playing cards with m
Run and Remember: Honoring the Memory of Windy25 Run and Remember: Honoring the Memory of Windy25 Run and Remember: Honoring the Memory of Windy25 TAPS On April 6, 2005 a U.S. Army helicopter crashed near Ghazni, Afghanistan killing all five crew members along with 11 passengers. The call-sign of the CH-47 Chinook helicopter was Windy25, one of the aircraft belonging to F Company, 159th Aviation Regiment, “Big Windy.” Each year since the crash, members of the unit have gathered to honor their battle buddies and memorialize the loss. In t
TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign TAPS TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign, Works to Raise Awareness of Military Family Needs with Hollywood Connections As our nation pauses on the anniversary of D-Day to remember the service and sacrifice given by our veterans and their families, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) announces its participation in the recently launched “Got Your 6” campaign. The campaign is designed to mobilize
Adjusting to a New Normal Adjusting to a New Normal Adjusting to a New Normal Darcie Sims When Normal Isn't Normal Any More Today I started to take down the tree and put away the holiday decorations. Yes, I know it's March, but after the effort of creating a new holiday routine in my life, it didn't seem right to simply discard it after a few short weeks. After all, creating a new way of looking at the holidays took a great deal of energy. I tried a new decorating scheme this year (we hung all the stockings – whe
Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season Alan Wolfelt Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing, and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss, and emptiness. Love Does Not End With Death Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief—a feeling of loss unlike that exper
Finding Joy in the Midst of Despair Finding Joy in the Midst of Despair Finding Joy in the Midst of Despair Darcie Sims The value of humor in grief resolution is sometimes hard to see, especially in the early weeks, months and even years of grief. Yet, without a sense of humor, the world would be a dark, dreary, and unforgiving place. A sense of humor is a valuable tool for coping with grief. Although your sense of humor may appear to have been deleted from your being, if you can allow it to return (even just a little) th
I knew I was picking the right table I knew I was picking the right table I knew I was Picking the Right Table \| TAPS Sarah Greene At lunch on the first day of TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar in May, I searched the room for a friendly face, knowing no one, and I sat down at a table with three women. One woman was leading the conversation with a fluid southern drawl while the two remaining women—red eyed, with tears streaming down their cheeks—listened and nodded their heads in agreement. This was what I had signed u
Picking Up the Pieces Picking Up the Pieces Picking Up the Pieces \| TAPS Chris Beck Life after the loss of a loved one can shatter us and bring us to our knees, lost, not knowing what to do next. As the pieces of our lives scatter after a loss, finding a way to put them back together can seem overwhelming. Life’s complexities have many similarities to jigsaw puzzles — you sort and gather pieces, then fit them into your unique picture. I worked 55 years to build my puzzle, adding pieces along the way: my wife,
Rucking Through Grief Rucking Through Grief Gregory T. Jacobs, Surviving Father of Army SPC David M. Jacobs Hoisting my REI pack onto my back, I feel every bit of the 42 pounds inside. The seams hold together, resilient against the strain. I once again say hello to David as I start my three-mile ruck at the cemetery where he is buried. He doesn’t audibly return the gesture, but I know he is there with me. It is almost as if he winks at me each time, acknowledging, “Dad, I see you have my backpack on again, and I
The Stars Align for Stars4TAPS: TAPS’ Network of Support at Paramount and CBS The Stars Align for Stars4TAPS: TAPS’ Network of Support at Paramount and CBS TAPS Staff Everyone at TAPS carries a story — one of love, and of loss — that lives on each time we share it, each time we say their names. In the ongoing Stars4TAPS story, 2025 will forever be a stand-out chapter, one that came together during a heartfelt TAPS cameo on the NCIS holiday episode, “Heaven and Nature,” which aired on Dec. 16, 2025. But, like most memories and midseason finales, though, the story goes
Crackled, Not Broken: A Raku Reflection on Grief and Grace Crackled, Not Broken: A Raku Reflection on Grief and Grace Gregory T. Jacobs * Surviving Father of Army SPC David Jacobs On a recent trip to the Smoky Mountains, my wife and I found ourselves, once again, at one of our favorite artisan spots — Alewine Pottery, quietly nestled among the pines and whispering winds of Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Over the years, I’ve grown fond of their artfully crafted mugs, each one a small masterpiece that somehow makes a morning cup of coffee feel like a ritual
The Capacity to Love Requires the Necessity to Mourn The Capacity to Love Requires the Necessity to Mourn Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. * TAPS Advisory Board “Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving...the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death,
Living Legacies, Meaningful Healing Living Legacies, Meaningful Healing Living Legacies, Meaningful Healing \| TAPS Noriko Stern Dianne Layfield Katie Davis Write it Down By: Kristi Stolzenberg, Editor, TAPS Magazine Karl Porfirio, surviving father of SrA Tre Porfirio, U.S. Air Force, was not a writer by trade when he sat down to write My Daddy’s Heart is Purple, but his dedication to honoring veterans and preserving his son’s memory earned him the title of children’s book author in 2018. While stationed in Afghanistan, Tre
A Look at Loneliness A Look at Loneliness A Look at Loneliness \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt "The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness." — Norman Cousins The COVID-19 pandemic has increased our awareness of the problem of loneliness. We were lonely before the novel coronavirus arose, and we’re even lonelier since routine social distancing, isolation, and quarantining became unfortunate necessities. Of course, for those of us in grief, the natural loneliness of loss also compounds our fe
Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Events Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Events Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Events Carol Lane Good morning, I wanted to share one of my favorite areas at the 23rd Annual TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp, which was where I was for Memorial Day weekend. This is a picture of the TAPS Family Tree. Survivors were encouraged to take a paper leaf and write a message to their loved one. There was a sticky back to the leaf, and the survivors could place it next to
Saturday Morning Message Saturday Morning Message Saturday Morning Message Carol Lane Good Morning, The Saturday message started out as a weekly letter between a few friends that met at the TAPS National seminar over a Memorial Day many years ago. This week the Saturday message will be posted on the TAPS blog as well as the TAPS Online community, and in the TAPS peer group sites. The love and support that comes through being a part of the TAPS family is wonderful. The questions that are asked apply to all survivors
Carrying Each Other Through the Load of Grief Carrying Each Other Through the Load of Grief Carrying Each Other Through the Load of Grief \| TAPS Betty Medlock My parents, who were part of the Greatest Generation, taught me to respect and honor Memorial Day. But, while several members of my extended family served our country, none died while serving. So, for much of my life, Memorial Day remained mostly an abstract holiday. All that changed in January 2016, when I lost my son, Michael. After Michael’s death, Memorial Day shifted from ab
Reaching New Heights with TAPS Reaching New Heights with TAPS Reaching New Heights with TAPS Christina Wilson TAPS College Experience Prepares Surviving Children for the Next Chapter Being a surviving TAPS child doesn’t just mean losing a parent; it means losing someone who was supposed to help guide you through life. When my father died when I was 6 years old, I thought I would miss him the most during big events, like graduation and birthdays. Instead, I’ve found that I notice my dad’s absence most in the smaller
The Cabin of Reconciliation The Cabin of Reconciliation The Cabin of Reconciliation \| TAPS Jon Ganues Relationships in families change all the time, but they can sometimes change dramatically after the death of a loved one. Some relationships become very close, while some drift apart. Sometimes, the changes are obvious, and other times they are not. On June 2, 2009, I received notification that one of my sons, Jon Wesley Ganues, Jr., died by suicide while serving in the U.S. Air Force. He was a security policeman stat
Klinger's Korner: A Season for Presence Klinger's Korner: A Season for Presence Klinger's Korner: A Season for Presence \| TAPS Andy McNiel The holiday season brings families and friends together, creating opportunities to make and share special memories and create or carry on traditions. But, in the midst of intense grief, the holidays can feel like a burden rather than a blessed time with family and friends. When children are in the home, you may feel the need to maintain positive, festive energy so they can still enjoy this speci
Klinger's Korner: Healthy Growth & Development In Bereaved Children and Teenagers Klinger's Korner: Healthy Growth & Development In Bereaved Children and Teenagers Klinger's Korner: Healthy Growth & Development In Bereaved Children and Teenagers \| TAPS Andy McNiel How can I help my child grow and develop in healthy ways even when they are grieving the death of someone in their life? It is difficult to watch our children struggle or face distress after a loss. As parents, we want our children to have healthy, happy experiences, and we worry that their grief will have long-t
Letting Leisure in After Loss Letting Leisure in After Loss Letting Leisure in After Loss \| TAPS Rachel Hunsell leisure (n) / lei • sure / (lē´•r, le´•r) : free time, although not idle time : personal freedom from responsibilities of work, daily tasks, etc. : the freedom and the capacity to live and experience life within recreation (n) / rec • rea • tion / (rek´rēā´sh•n) : what we do during our leisure time — activities done for enjoyment play (n, v) / (plā) : act of engaging in activities without inhibit
TAPS Care Groups: A Source of Connection, Hope and Healing In Your Local Community TAPS Care Groups: A Source of Connection, Hope and Healing In Your Local Community TAPS Care Groups: A Source of Connection, Hope and Healing In Your Local Community TAPS TAPS Care Groups are safe, welcoming spaces in your local area — a community of peers within your community, those who understand grief because they’re experiencing it too. And, like you, they are seeking connection, hope, and healing. For Annette Montante, the surviving aunt of U.S. Marine Corps Sgt Tristan Charles Bet
The Heroes Journey: Telling My Story The Heroes Journey: Telling My Story The Heroes Journey: Telling My Story \| TAPS Alexis Saizon-Cowley The following is an excerpt of Alexis' powerful story of suicide loss that she shared at The Heroes Journey storytelling workshop hosted at TAPS' National Headquarters in January. If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, you can contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline toll-free by dialing 988. If you lost a military or veteran loved one to suicide, you are not alone. TA
A Bittersweet Gift: Finding Comfort in teams4taps A Bittersweet Gift: Finding Comfort in teams4taps A Bittersweet Gift: Finding Comfort in teams4taps \| TAPS Elizabeth Engleman-Hammett U.S. Army Specialist Tyler Brent Hammett It was Super Bowl Sunday, February 2, 2014. My family and I were settled in front of the television watching the game, as we do every Sunday during football season. It wasn’t quite half-time, rather late in the day, so we were a little more than perplexed to hear someone knock on our front door. In th
Get Involved, Meet Your Peers in the TAPS Young Adults Program Get Involved, Meet Your Peers in the TAPS Young Adults Program Get Involved, Meet Your Peers in the TAPS Young Adults Program TAPS For military surviving children and siblings ages 18 to 30, the TAPS Young Adults Program focuses on 5 Pillars of Growth and Healing during your grief journey—personal development, career guidance, communications, financial stability, and service to others. Whether you are a TAPS Good Grief Camp graduate or new to our TAPS family, please know you have a place here
Klinger’s Korner: Model & Teach Healthy Coping Klinger’s Korner: Model & Teach Healthy Coping Klinger’s Korner: Model & Teach Healthy Coping \| TAPS Andy McNiel “Children are keen observers but poor interpreters.” ~ Rudolf Dreikurs Children are like sponges, absorbing the world around them. They watch our actions during and reactions to situations as they occur. They hear the words we say in various settings and circumstances. They are paying attention to the way we react to them — when they play, when they are upset, and when th
Military Survivors of Suicide Loss Build Community at the TAPS National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp Military Survivors of Suicide Loss Build Community at the TAPS National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp Military Survivors of Suicide Loss Build Community at the TAPS National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp TAPS Earlier this month TAPS hosted its 14th Annual National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp in Dallas, Texas. It was a weekend full of community, hope, and healing as hundreds of survivors of military suicide loss came tog
October is Emotional Wellness Month October is Emotional Wellness Month October is Emotional Wellness Month \| TAPS TAPS This article was first published on the TAPS website on October 1, 2021 and has been updated with additional resources. As members of the TAPS family, we either know (or are learning) that even in the midst of heartache, we can find moments of comfort and connection. It doesn’t always come naturally - it isn’t easy to balance the needs of grieving and living. Yet, when we’re navigating major life transition
TAPS Young Adults Summit: A Weekend of Hope, Connections and Possibilities TAPS NFL Young Adults Summit: A Weekend of Hope, Connections and Possibilities TAPS NFL Young Adults Summit: A Weekend of Hope, Connections and Possibilities Renee Monczynski In July, forty surviving children and siblings, ages 18 to 30, and at varying stages of their grief journey, came together with their TAPS Family in Atlanta for the TAPS NFL Young Adults Summit. These young adults came from locations across the country - some connecting with TAPS for the first time, and others who have
Thank You for Supporting Our Mission in 2022 Thank You for Supporting Our Mission in 2022 Thank You for Supporting Our Mission in 2022 \| TAPS TAPS TAPS is grateful for the incredible outpouring of support we received in 2022. We are humbled that so many members of our TAPS family brought us along as they honored their loved one; we applaud the communities around the country who gathered to pay tribute to local heroes; and we sincerely thank our growing circle of supporters for sharing the TAPS mission. When you fundraise for TAPS, you a
Celebrating Survivor Kim Ruocco A Career and Legacy of Dedicated Service: Celebrating Survivor Kim Ruocco Celebrating Survivor Kim Ruocco \| TAPS TAPS Kim Ruocco has brought energy, care, and creativity to her work with TAPS, communities, agencies, and organizations nationwide. Kim has beautifully become the living legacy of her loved one, and we hope her accomplishments and their impacts inspire you! Throughout more than a decade of dedicated service, survivor Kim Ruocco has inspirationally reduced the silence and stigma s
When You Can’t Hold a Service Right Away When You Can’t Hold a Service Right Away When You Can’t Hold a Service Right Away \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Tips for Planning a Future Ceremony and Following Through The challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic have affected grieving people in many difficult ways. At a time when you needed extra support from friends and family, you may have been separated from them altogether. You may have struggled even more to rebuild meaning and purpose in your life, if your options for exploring and connecting we
A Second Chance and a Family Healed A Second Chance and a Family Healed A Second Chance and a Family Healed \| TAPS Perry Monroe In 2018, I visited the TAPS website and saw that registration for the Montana Men’s Retreat would be opening soon. I set the alarm on my phone and computer. If I did nothing else that year, I was going to do this. The second registration opened, I signed up. When I received confirmation, I was beyond excited. My excitement was a direct result of an encounter I had with Medal of Honor recipient Her
Healing Your Grieving Heart Healing Your Grieving Heart Healing Your Grieving Heart \| TAPS Bonnie Carroll Alan Wolfelt Excerpt from book by Bonnie Carroll and Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D. The TAPS family is always reaching our arms to you. Whether at seminars, retreats, or virtually through our online resources, we understand the need to have the support of an understanding community as we navigate the grief journey. We share our grief, our memories and our daily experiences to build strength and hope. When we cannot be t
Saturday Morning Message: Easing Anxiety and Stress Saturday Morning Message: Easing Anxiety and Stress Saturday Morning Message: Easing Anxiety and Stress \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, Stress and anxiety are emotions felt by grieving people. This week, survivors share ideas on what brings them comfort when these emotions come over them. Hugs help me the most, so I’m sharing a picture of two survivors giving each other a wonderful hug. It is also the reason I sign most of my TAPS correspondence with the word “Hugs.” Please feel that I am hu
Turning Devastation into Hope Turning Devastation into Hope Turning Devastation into Hope \| TAPS Carolyn Colley My brother, Army Pfc. Stephen E. Colley, was my best friend. He was smart, caring and funny. He had a huge heart – he greeted everyone with a hug and never left a conversation without a smile. I loved and admired him in so many ways. When he returned from a deployment to Iraq, he was different, and while we could tell he was suffering, we did not know just how bad it was or what we needed to do. Ultimately, the
7 Ways to Help Grieving Children During the Holidays 7 Ways to Help Grieving Children During the Holidays 7 Ways to Help Grieving Children During the Holidays \| TAPS Heather Stang Grief during the holidays serves up a perfect storm where joyous memories crash against reality and expectations, something that is especially tough when it’s a child who’s grieving. I know this firsthand. On October 18, 1977, my uncle Doug died by suicide. I was 7 years old. While I don’t remember the specifics of the Thanksgiving and Christmas that followed, what I
A Gathering of Men A Gathering of Men A Gathering of Men \| TAPS Gabriel Rao Calmness, Camaraderie, and Clarity in Yosemite Sitting near a rolling stream surrounded by the breathtaking wonders of nature, I witness the power of water against rock — moving, reshaping. What a blessing to have this time to become fully aware of my surroundings and myself. Just like a current reshapes stone, the power of a man sharing openly and honestly has the power to change the world around him. There is a beauty that takes sha
Adventures Give Us Strength in the Wilderness of Grief Adventures Give Us Strength in the Wilderness of Grief Adventures Give Us Strength in the Wilderness of Grief \| TAPS Rachel Hunsell When grief halts everything we once knew, we are asked to pause, reflect, and then rebuild. Planning and preparation are the gateway to discovering something new outside of who we are — learning to step into what we can become if we simply keep going. On TAPS Expeditions, we explore the wilderness of our earth and of our grief. We discover the ways in which the
Anniversary Blues Anniversary Blues Anniversary Blues \| TAPS Betsy Beard Handling the most dreaded day of the year The date is engraved on my heart. The awful day he died. Every year that date comes around again on the calendar, and for lack of anything better, we call it the anniversary of his death. It seems so wrong; anniversaries should be for celebrating a joyous occasion, not for acknowledging a death. But in the six and a half years since Brad’s death, we have never come up with an acceptable alternate
Found My NICHe Found My NICHe Found My NICHe \| TAPS Emily Dieruf Chambers Running with Team TAPS at the Marine Corps Marathon Thousands of widows share a common bond because of Operation Iraqi Freedom, each of us mourning and coping in a myriad of ways. Though it took me several years after the death of my husband, CPL Nicholas Dieruf, USMC to discover an outlet. Running quickly became a way to escape the days’ stressors, connect with a newfound community of friends, and get any day started on a positive n
Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Remembrances Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Remembrances Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Remembrances \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, The picture came from the article "Out of Tragedy," written by Bonnie Carroll, surviving spouse of Brigadier Gen. Tom Carroll and founder of the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors that describes how this organization came to be. I thought it would be a good article to share in the Memorial Day edition of the Saturday Morning Message. On Memorial Day
Saturday Morning Message: Places That Touch Our Hearts Saturday Morning Message: Places That Touch Our Hearts Saturday Morning Message: Places That Touch Our Hearts \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, When contemplating going to a certain place after the loss of our loved ones, we put a great deal of thought into the decision. Although it is not possible to know what this young survivor in the photo is thinking, I thought it really fit today’s topic. The varied answers this week show how survivors handle going to places that may make them feel
Solitude or Social Support in Grief? Solitude or Social Support in Grief? Why We Need Both Solitude or Social Support in Grief? Why We Need Both \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt In many ways, grief is an experience replete with contradictions. We feel like time stops, yet time goes on. We can’t stop thinking about the death, yet we distract ourselves so we won’t think about it. We’re strong, yet we’re weak. We’re resilient, yet we’re vulnerable. Acknowledging and embracing these necessary contradictions (and others) is part of our work of
The Critical Importance of Seeking Support The Critical Importance of Seeking Support The Critical Importance of Seeking Support \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Learning from the Geese If there is ever a time in life when we need others to support and nurture us, it’s when someone we love dies. In many ways, grief work is the most difficult work we will ever do. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Sharing the devastation that results from the death of someone precious won’t make the hurt go away, but it does make it more b
Saturday Morning Message: Gifts from the Heart from our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Gifts from the Heart from our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Gifts from the Heart from our Loved Ones \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, This week, survivors were asked to write about the gifts of personality that our loved ones gave us just by being themselves. I hope you enjoy all the responses that came to us. Debra, wife of Thomas sent this picture of her husband, Tom, and told us about his gift. Debra wrote, "One of the most memorable gifts that Tom always
Saturday Morning Message: God Winks Saturday Morning Message: God Winks Saturday Morning Message: God Winks \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, There were so many interesting God winks sent this week that I think it will take two weeks to share these marvelous moments in our lives. If you have a God wink you would like to share after reading this week’s message, feel free to send it along. I will include it in the monthly Writers’ Circle that is sent to those who request it. The picture this week comes from Debra, wife
The Seesaw of Resilience and Vulnerability The Seesaw of Resilience and Vulnerability The Seesaw of Resilience and Vulnerability \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt “To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” — Criss Jami As you journey through your naturally complicated and painful grief, you are probably being buoyed by—and perhaps also dismayed by—your resilience. After all, here you are. You may not have thought it possible at first, but you have indeed survived. Military fami
Let It R.A.I.N. Let It R.A.I.N. Let It R.A.I.N. Heather Stang As a child, I dreaded overcast days, especially during the summer. Even when it wasn’t raining, the threat of precipitation felt like a life sentence with no chance of parole. It was the grey skies I feared, even though they would often lead to bluer skies and sometimes a rainbow. Living in emotional pain is a lot like bad weather. There is no control, no predicting when the clouds will come or when the rain will start. But we can learn to rela
Saturday Morning Message: Dream Retreats Saturday Morning Message: Dream Retreats Saturday Morning Message: Dream Retreats Carol Lane Good morning, The question this week asked where would you like to go if money were not a problem. I have a love for music, so going somewhere to hear good music and perhaps do a bit of dancing would be a treat for me. This picture came from a TAPS event called the Colorado Celebrity Classic Songwriters Show which happened in 2015. It featured country music, but I like all music and would go anywhere
Create Your Own Finish Line Create Your Own Finish Line Create Your Own Finish Line Carol Bazemore Local Race Events Commemorate the Fallen Team TAPS has been leading runners along race courses from Washington, D.C., to Anchorage, Alaska, for 15 years, building charity partner relationships with established races to create awareness of the TAPS mission and honor our fallen heroes. In addition, Team TAPS is focused on helping survivors create their own endurance activities that honor their loved ones in their hometowns
Grasping the Magnitude of the Sacrifice Grasping the Magnitude of the Sacrifice Grasping the Magnitude of the Sacrifice \| TAPS Angel Munoz My name is Angel Munoz. I am a veteran of the United States Army, and this is my family's story. Along with having the distinct honor of calling myself a veteran, I can also call myself a proud sister of three brothers who also served in the military, and they all served in this war with Iraq. The youngest of the brothers both served in Iraq as Marines and the oldest of the boys, Army Spc. Rober
When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning "When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning" "When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning" TAPS Looking for a book to read that can provide encouragement and hope as you continue on your grief journey? Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., a renowned expert on the topic of healing in grief, has written a new book about honoring your soulmate and your grief as you find a path to purpose and joy. Read an excerpt from “When Your Soulmate Dies:” Grief is everything
Among the Zebras Among the Zebras Among the Zebras Judi Swenson For those planning on attending the TAPS National Suicide Seminar in October for the first time, this is for you. Please don't get cold feet. Don't be scared. There is nothing else like it. I know this is very long. Please take a few minutes to read it through. I unfortunately will have to miss this years seminar. Don't you. You will find love, support, and understanding. HUGS. I lost my son, Davey, to suicide on June 16, 2005. My family has
In My Dreams In My Dreams In My Dreams Linda Ambard I am nearing the three year marker of my journey without Phil. I never thought I could make it through a day without knowing he was in my life, but I am finding my footing and making my way. While I have grown increasingly confident in my footing and in my purpose for my future, I still yearn for the man who chose me even when it cost him so much. There has never been a day that I haven’t wanted to share something with him or that I hadn’t had a quiet
My Unexpected Journey into the Healing Arms of TAPS My Unexpected Journey into the Healing Arms of TAPS My Unexpected Journey into the Healing Arms of TAPS Bridget Singletary-Goodwin TAPS is a community of survivors. Some of us have lost loved ones on the battlefield, others to long-term illness. Some TAPS survivors, like me, have lost someone they loved in tragic accidents. My children and I are somewhat unusual as TAPS survivors, for not only have we suffered through the sudden and untimely death of my husband, we also survived the same c
Saturday Morning Message: Songs of the Heart Saturday Morning Message: Songs of the Heart Saturday Morning Message: Songs of the Heart Carol Lane Good Morning, Songs are one artistic form that can become special for survivors. This week, members of our TAPS family shared songs that are meaningful to them. I hope you enjoy the responses Do you have a song close to your heart? Share with us here and also visit TAPS Facebook. This message will appear there and you can add your comment and a special song. The question for next week is
Saturday Morning Message: Supporting Others in Grief Saturday Morning Message: Supporting Others in Grief Saturday Morning Message: Supporting Others in Grief Carol Lane Good Morning, When someone you know experiences the death of a loved one, words just don't seem enough. Finding ways to help others who are grieving can be easier when you think of the support others gave you. Thanks to the survivors who wrote this week as they reflected on what was meaningful to them and used those memories to generate hints on best ways to reach out when som
The Second Year The Second Year The Second Year Janet Crane Facing the Reality The second anniversary date of my son's death was April 26, 2014. Another Gold Star Mother had told me the second year was worse than the first, and I didn't believe it. But it was true in many ways. Jason is buried several hours away from us, so we had made a special trip on the first anniversary of his death. I had known for several months that we would be going to his grave, and the stress and tension built each month i
To Watch or Not To Watch To Watch or Not To Watch To Watch or Not To Watch Kelly Griffith That is the Question Sitting in the darkened, crowded theater, I realized I had made a mistake. Why hadn’t I picked the cutesy cartoon movie about dancing penguins? Why did I choose to resort to emotional cutting? No. I would be fine. But I looked beside me and saw the looks on my family's faces and knew I had made a big mistake. It was just a few short months after Sammy's death on December 14, and we sat in a room f
Angry with God Angry with God Angry with God Rachael Hill It is no surprise to say that there a gamut of emotions that go along with grief. Sadness, anger, longing, hurt, loneliness, and the list goes on and on. I have felt the entire rainbow of feelings, and I am not afraid to admit it. I have had my times of depression, longing for the life I used to live, spent many nights wishing for the company of my husband, and of course, I have been angry. In fact, many days I am still angry… I am angry tha
Bringing Alex Home Bringing Alex Home Bringing Alex Home \| TAPS Donleigh Gaunky A Brother’s Loss During War I am a man. I am a brother. I am a combat veteran. And I am a sibling survivor. Nowadays, there are not that many of us who have survived going to war and, at the same time, lost a family member to that same war. In the 1940s there were more of us. A visit to the Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor will give you a great example of the magnitude of this reality in just a single event. More than 30 sets of si
Coming Home Coming Home Coming Home Michele Hiester Marcum Somebody somewhere once said, “Home is where the heart is,” and if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that quote over the years, I could probably take a vacation - away from home. I’m not a world-class traveler who circles the globe on a regular basis, but we do indulge in periodic family getaways. We love to visit places we’ve never been, and we enjoy planning all the details of each trip: where we eat, where we sleep, and what we see a
Gaining Strength on the Journey Gaining Strength on the Journey Survivor Father Finds Hope at TAPS Seminar - TAPS News Andy Weiss Remembering, Celebrating, and Sharing with TAPS My family attended the 19th Annual TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar last May. It was an inspiring weekend with our fellow travelers in loss. I marvel at how far this river has swept me downstream from where I first fell in, drowning in my grief. How far I’ve gone and how changed I am! I lost my son, Army First Lieutenant Danny Weiss, on M
Is Winter Paradise in Disguise? Is Winter Paradise in Disguise? Is Winter Paradise in Disguise? Darcie Sims There ought to be a law! There ought to be a law against snow and ice and winter. There ought to be a law against snow drifting across the back door and one against ice forming on the sidewalks after I've shoveled. There ought to be a law against 40 below and frozen peas (they have nothing to do with winter, but there should be a law against peas anyway). There should be laws to protect the average citizen fro
Love and Grief Love and Grief Love and Grief Alan Wolfelt Living as You Were Meant to Live “We are all mirrors unto one another. Look into me and you will find something of yourself as I will of you.” ~ Walter Rinder Love is a sacred partnership of communion with another human being. You take each other in, and even when you are apart, you are together. Wherever you go, you carry the person inside you. Communion means the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially on a spiritual l
Nutrition and Stress Nutrition and Stress Nutrition and Stress Ruth Crocker Finding Strength for Your Grieving Body Visit www.ruthwcrocker.com for more thoughts on nourishment, nutrition, writing, resilience, and mindfulness. Naomi appeared lean and fit, although a bit pale, when she arrived at her appointment in the Nutrition Clinic at Massachusetts General Hospital. At first glance, before taking her history, I thought she might be a long-distance runner, an ice skater, or a gymnast. I had counseled many e
Out of My Comfort Zone Out of My Comfort Zone Out of My Comfort Zone Rachael Hill For spring break, I decided to take my boys on a ten day trip to California. What started out as a simple visit, quickly became a whirlwind trip up and down the coast with a lot of time for personal reflection. We left on a red eye flight and arrived at Los Angeles at 11:30 in the morning. We got our rental car and proceeded to drive to our hotel near San Diego. Immediately after leaving the airport, I found myself on the 405 in
Reaching Out to Others Reaching Out to Others Reaching Out to Others Darcie Sims Grief can be so isolating. We may find ourselves exhausted beyond our capabilities, hurt beyond endurance, and lonely beyond belief. No one seems to know what to say or how to behave around us. Many of us have discovered we are grieving not just the death of our loved one, but the loss of friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. When our loved one died, we were surrounded by people, but the silence was deafening. Hardly
Saturday Morning Message: Self Care Part Two Saturday Morning Message: Self Care Part Two Saturday Morning Message: Self Care Part Two Carol Lane Good Morning, Helping yourself when you are grieving may not seem like a priority, but this week survivors continued to share strategies that have helped them take care of themselves during these difficult times. There were so many responses to this question that the replies were carried over for two weeks. Read what others have done to help themselves while honoring their loved ones and chos
Self Care Self Care Self Care Leslie McCaddon Reconnecting…with myself One of the things I heard early on at TAPS, as well as from my counselor at home, is the importance of self-care. I’m a mother of three young children. Whenever this term “self-care” is thrown around in my presence I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Photo Courtesy of Leslie McCaddon Take care of myself? Sure! I try to shower, most days. I eat well…well, at least when I eat the kid’s leftovers! I sleep. Sure, I sleep!
Taking Action Taking Action Taking Action Alice Daniel Finding meaning in involvement…again After this article was written, Congress passed bipartisan legislation and presented it to the President on January 1, 2013. Included in the legislation is a provision to establish an Open Burn Pit Registry at the VA. 10:45 p.m. The house is quiet; all are sleeping but me. Austin’s been dead for more than three years now. Some things are better. I’m cooking again. We’ve recently moved from our family home of
Losing Todd, A Mother's Journey Losing Todd, A Mother's Journey Losing Todd, A Mother's Journey \| TAPS Jeanne Weaver The Gift at the Water's Edge Three days after our son First Lieutenant Todd Weaver was killed, I walked the beach near our home, not knowing whether I had the physical strength to keep my legs moving or whether I would collapse onto the sand. I walked, searching for peace in my heart and some degree of comfort or understanding. I thought, “Who can I turn to? Where do I turn?” That day, I reached the jett
Mending the Family Circle Mending the Family Circle Mending the Family Circle Darcie Sims Coping with the Death of a Loved One Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career and parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete…whole…two kids so no one would have to fight over a window in the back seat, two kids because I had a lot of recipes that served four. We called him Big A and he had a big sister named Allie. We were the American Dream, at least
Resource Center, TAPS Top Picks for Scholarships Resource Center, TAPS Top Picks for Scholarships Resource Center, TAPS Top Picks for Scholarships TAPS Now that school is back in session, it’s a good time to start planning for your future at college, whether you are a high school senior, surviving spouse, or young adult whose parent has died in military service. When applying for educational and financial resources, the large range of differing requirements and eligibilities can make the scholarship search a grueling process. Here at T
Traveling with Wreaths Across America Traveling with Wreaths Across America Traveling with Wreaths Across America Jill Stephenson My only child, Corporal Benjamin Kopp, an Army Ranger, died on July 18, 2009 of wounds he suffered during his third deployment in 2009. In his final wishes, he requested that he be laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery. This made perfect sense to me, and although I live in Minnesota, I didn’t hesitate to honor his wish. Several months later, people began asking me if I was coming back to Arli
White Stones of Honor White Stones of Honor White Stones of Honor Ken Ashley It couldn’t have happened…but it did. It shouldn’t have happened…but it did. There it was, that wooden box that was holding my precious son, my only son, draped in the colors of the country he fought and died for. It’s still hard to say…but, there it was. There I was, standing beside that box, my hand gently lying upon that revered cloth and again the tears flowed freely, and I would not stop them from flowing. They were coming from the
A Garden Spade Can Help Heal A Garden Spade Can Help Heal A Garden Spade Can Help Heal Christi Larsen The Memorial Garden Tour is an annual event that supports TAPS and the Wounded Warrior Project through The Cole William Larsen Foundation, a 501(c) 3 public charity. Gardening can be such a personal journey; it’s not just about planting a seed and watching it grow. It is a process in which you tend and nurture and then stand back and watch in amazement. It can be extremely therapeutic: interacting with the plants and
Star Light, Star Bright Star Light, Star Bright Star Light, Star Bright Darcie Sims Did you ever wish upon a star? Did you ever stand outside, on a summer night and feel the soft darkness enfold you like black velvet, the gentle night breeze kissing your cheeks, the grass tickling your bare toes? Did you ever lie on your back, looking at the starry quilt tossed over the heavens? Did you ever see a shooting star and wonder where it came from and where it was going? Did you ever search for a special star and wish on i
The Importance of Hope The Importance of Hope The Importance of Hope Alan Wolfelt Excerpted from The Mourner’s Book of Hope: 30 Days of Inspiration “Today… I open my heart’s hand to allow the touch of hope.” ~ Julia Cameron Someone you love has died. In your heart you have come to know your deepest pain. Your grief has brought challenges that seem beyond your own capacity to survive. Grief creates chaos, and your soul cries out. You naturally experience a sense of helplessness and, at times, you feel the d
After Grief: The Process of Healing After Grief: The Process of Healing After Grief: The Process of Healing Howard Winokuer Benjamin Franklin wrote, "only two things in life are certain, death and taxes." Death is something that affects us all. No one is immune. Death is sometimes expected, sometimes unexpected. It happens to parents, grand-parents, friends, relatives, pets, and others. Death often takes away something that is very precious to us and leaves pain and grief in its wake. The pain that is associated with grief can
After the Holidays After the Holidays After the Holidays Darcie Sims Surviving the Mid-Winter Gloom Why does January seem so empty? Just as the world is stiff and frozen outside my window, I feel dead and cold and scattered inside myself. I managed to make it through the holiday season, though the “how” of that feat is truly beyond my recollection. I can't even remember eating the holiday meals. (I do, however, remember doing the dishes—again and again and again. Next year we are eating out or using paper plat
In Search of Joy In Search of Joy In Search of Joy Darcie Sims Finding Your Way Through the Darkness Do you know how long it took me to allow laughter and joy to return to my life? Do you know how far it is from this side of the page to your side? Do you know how difficult it is to write about death? It was a long journey. It took me thirty years to get from your side of this page to mine...a long time...actually a whole lifetime! I liked my other life. In fact, I loved it! I hadn't intended to be h
Inside the TAPS Good Grief Camp Inside the TAPS Good Grief Camp Inside the TAPS Good Grief Camp Heather Campagna Many people wonder just what takes place within the borders of a TAPS Good Grief Camp…and adult survivors have often said it looks like more fun to be on the kid’s side of our national gathering! Undeniably, the Good Grief Camp involves events that can lighten young hearts, but all of our activities are also specially selected to offer a safe place for each child to “just be” wherever they are in their grief. Tha
A Change of Season A Change of Season A Change of Season Darcie Sims Learning to Keep our Loved Ones’ Memories Alive in Every Season It’s harvest time, clean up time, gathering time. It’s time to put away the beach balls and the lawn mower. It’s time to shake the sand from the shoes and store away the croquet set and find the storm windows. It’s time to “put up” the garden’s bounty and find someone who doesn’t have enough zucchini. It’s time to find the mittens and try on the sweaters and coats. It’s time to g
Small World, Big TAPS Family Small World, Big TAPS Family Small World, Big TAPS Family \| TAPS Jessica Kavanagh It’s funny how life happens. One minute you’re getting a phone call that your husband “didn’t make it,” and eight years later, you’re a widow wife to one of the most amazing humans. The world most certainly crashed down upon me that dreadful day — I’ll never forget it, or the moments that followed, or the spouse that once was (I know my TAPS Family can relate). I felt so lost for what felt like such a long time
Growing Up TAPS: Understanding How Our Children Grieve Growing Up TAPS: Understanding How Our Children Grieve Growing Up TAPS: Understanding How Our Children Grieve Andy McNiel There is a personal nature to how each of us grieves, and that individuality extends to our children and teenagers. They uniquely grieve the death of their person based on (but not limited to) their personality type, individual preferences, how they most feel comfortable being in the world, the nature of the relationship they shared with their person before they died, and
Bocce, Good Food, and Bright Futures Bocce, Good Food, and Bright Futures Bocce, Good Food, and Bright Futures \| TAPS Kristi Stolzenberg What could bocce and the Culinary Institute of America possibly have in common with TAPS? As it turns out, a couple of things: the Michael C. Cerullo Memorial Veteran Scholarship, which is awarded to a deserving TAPS survivor on the road to culinary greatness, and the annual bocce tournament that funds it, hosted by Michael’s surviving son, Paul. Summer 2023 Michael’s son,
Finding Meaning After Loss Finding Meaning After Loss Finding Meaning After Loss \| TAPS Michelle Collins On the one-year anniversary of my husband Glen’s death by suicide, I spread his ashes off a distinctive rocky outcropping into a small cove in south Maui. I gazed at the water, remembering our time together in this exact spot. Even after 22 years in service, most of which was spent in the SEAL teams, he referred to that little rocky cove as the place he performed “the most heroic act” of his life. He loved
The Art of Cherishing The Art of Cherishing The Art of Cherishing \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt After the death of someone close to you, you enter a time of deep grief. This is a normal and necessary time of transition. If you use this period of intense grief to actively and intentionally engage with your painful thoughts and feelings, you find ways to express them that are helpful to you. In other words, you do the hard work of mourning. You share your grief outside yourself — in doses over time — so that you begin to inte
Very Important Document Very Important Document Very Important Document \| TAPS Diego Rincon Kristi Stolzenberg Ideliz Mora-Cruz This article is available in English and Spanish. (Este artículo está disponible en inglés y español.) FORWARD: PFC Diego Rincon died on foreign soil on March 29, 2003, proudly wearing a U.S. Army uniform, but he was not a U.S. citizen. He was just 5 years old in 1989 when he immigrated to the United States with his older brother and his parents, Jorge and Yolanda. The
Kids, Grief, and COVID-19 Kids, Grief, and COVID-19 Kids, Grief, and COVID-19 \| TAPS Linda Goldman Children and teens have had their world turned inside out during the coronavirus pandemic. The familiar has turned foreign, the expected has vanished, and the world as kids knew it pre-COVID-19 has transformed into a surreal new normal. Overwhelmed by virtual classes, home quarantine, cleanl
National Suicide Prevention Month: TAPS Support and Resources National Suicide Prevention Month: TAPS Support and Resources National Suicide Prevention Month: Support and Resources \| TAPS Carla Stumpf Patton Each September we recognize Suicide Prevention Month, and while every day of the year is an opportunity for awareness, this time of the year specifically we emphasize education and sharing life-saving resources on all issues related to suicide—also referred to as prevention, intervention, and postvention. For those who are suicide loss survivors
To Resolution or Not to Resolution: Relaxing into the New Year To Resolution or Not to Resolution: Relaxing into the New Year To Resolution or Not to Resolution: Relaxing into the New Year \| TAPS Audri Beugelsdijk The new year is a time when we contemplate all the previous year has been and all the coming year could be. Perhaps we make resolutions, promising ourselves a change, anticipating growth, and hoping for something new - after all, it is the “new” year - shouldn’t it also be a “new” me? Whether we do this to ourselves, or others put this upon u
Purple Up! For Military Kids and TAPS Legacy Mentors Purple Up! For Military Kids and TAPS Legacy Mentors Purple Up! For Military Kids and TAPS Legacy Mentors \| TAPS TAPS Purple Up! Day is a special observance during each April’s Month of the Military Child, where the public is asked to wear purple to show their support for the service and sacrifices made by our nation’s military children. At TAPS, we support all those children who are grieving a military loss and honor their sacrifices each and every day. Our Legacy Mentors, surviving childr
Volunteering as an Act of Healing Volunteering as an Act of Healing Volunteering as an Act of Healing \| TAPS Stephanie Frogge “What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” ~ Albert Pike Altruism is defined as the practice of being concerned for and acting upon that concern for others without there being any direct benefit to the person engaging in it. For many, volunteering for a worthy cause is one way of practicing altruism even if we don’t nec
20 Years of TEAM TAPS 20 Years of TEAM TAPS 20 Years of TEAM TAPS \| TAPS TAPS Conquering the Distance – Honoring our Heroes This could be a simple story of individuals who love to run, lacing up their sneakers and pounding the pavement in pursuit of a personal best time, wanting another finisher’s medal to add to their collection or channeling their energy into physical activity. This could be a simple story. Yet this twenty-year journey is a story filled with passion, determination, reverence, love and a happ
Best-Practice Suicide Postvention Model Provides Roadmap for Growth Best-Practice Suicide Postvention Model Provides Roadmap for Growth Best-Practice Suicide Postvention Model Provides Roadmap for Growth \| TAPS TAPS The TAPS Suicide Prevention and Postvention Program placed increased focus on its best-practice TAPS Suicide Postvention Model in 2019, building the 11th annual National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar around the three-phase model so that survivors in attendance could see a clearer path to their post-traumatic growth and defining themselves as m
Grief and Sleep Grief and Sleep Grief and Sleep \| TAPS Heather Stang 7 Tips to Cope with Insomnia After Loss Coping with grief isn’t easy. In addition to the emotional toll, there are a myriad of physical side effects. Sleeplessness is perhaps one of the most frustrating symptoms – when you are sleepy and can’t sleep it just adds insult to injury. While insomnia is considered a common grief reaction, sleeplessness should not be ignored, but tended to mindfully. When we don’t get enough sleep it impacts
Mental Health in the Movies and Media: Continuing the Discussion on Suicide Mental Health in the Movies and Media: Continuing the Discussion on Suicide Mental Health in the Movies and Media: Continuing the Discussion on Suicide \| TAPS Carla Stumpf Patton Writers note: This story contains topics related to mental health and suicide. If you are experiencing emotional distress or thoughts of suicide, help can be found by contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (Veterans Press 1), or by contacting the National Crisis Text Line by texting “
Putting the Closure on the Use of the Word Closure in Grief Putting the Closure on the Use of the Word "Closure" in Grief Putting the Closure on the Use of the Word "Closure" in Grief \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt "If you are seeking a time when you will be finished, you will never be done." ~ TIBETAN SAYING In these contemporary times, you may be led to believe that you need to achieve “closure” after the death of someone in your life. As a matter of fact, you may have already experienced someone approaching you and asking, “Have you had closure yet?” I
Saturday Morning Message: More Memories of Favorite Moments Saturday Morning Message: More Memories of Favorite Moments Saturday Morning Message: More Memories of Favorite Moments \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, Two weekends ago I attended the Southeast Regional Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp in Jacksonville, Florida. There I met other survivors and we shared our thoughts. The picture shows some who attended talking to each other, which to me is the best part of a TAPS event. I will keep my comments short today so you can read the special mem
Saturday Morning Message: Making a Difference With TAPS Events Saturday Morning Message: Making a Difference With TAPS Events Saturday Morning Message: Making a Difference With TAPS Events \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Since our question this week is about TAPS events, and those who responded covered many of them, I thought showing a picture of American TAPS survivors meeting in 2016 in the United Kingdom might be helpful to show that TAPS also travels to other countries. If you want to attend an event from your own living room, I suggest the chats
Saturday Morning Message: Personalized Memorials Express Your Special Relationship Saturday Morning Message: Personalized Memorials Express Your Special Relationship Saturday Morning Message: Personalized Memorials Express Your Special Relationship \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, There are days during the year that commemorate the special connection we have with our loved ones. Last week Dianna, wife of Thomas, wanted to know what others do on those days. In addition to the responses from other survivors, I wanted to share what we do. My husband and I joined a gardening gr
Saturday Morning Message: Pet Grief Support Saturday Morning Message: Pet Grief Support Saturday Morning Message: Pet Grief Support \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, Pets can be comforting. This week, survivors sent their thoughts and pictures of pets not only through the Saturday Morning Message but also through the TAPS Facebook page in a post about International Dog Day. I hope you enjoy reading about these special pets. The opening picture this week is Sox, companion of Perry, father of Christopher. You will read more about him and
Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Memories, Big and Small Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Memories, Big and Small Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Memories, Big and Small \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, The opening picture today was sent by Samantha, fiancé of Preston. I thought it was a great way to open today’s Saturday Morning Message because they look like they are having a great time. Read more about Preston below. I will keep my comments short, so you will have time to read the many memories that have been shared. Remember, you
Saturday Morning Message: Take Good Care Saturday Morning Message: Take Good Care Saturday Morning Message: Take Good Care \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, This is the first Saturday Morning Message for 2019, so it seemed appropriate to put a picture of a clock counting down to the new year. In an article written by Betsy Beard titled "A Year Without My Loved One In It," she lists 10 resolutions that might be appropriate for a grieving person. This week survivors shared what they are going to do to take care of themselves in the new
Saturday Morning Message: The Difference TAPS Has Made Saturday Morning Message: The Difference TAPS Has Made Saturday Morning Message: The Difference TAPS Has Made \| TAPS Carol Lane Editor's Note: This week, we are re-posting one of our most popular Saturday Morning Messages that originally was published on November 4, 2017. We hope some of our newer survivors can learn from others about how TAPS has helped them face the challenges of grief. Good morning, This week, I am going to keep my comments short as there were several writers who hav
Saturday Morning Message: What do your dreams mean? Saturday Morning Message: What do your dreams mean? Saturday Morning Message: What do your dreams mean? \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, Dreams don’t come to all survivors, but when they do, they are vivid. I chose this picture to open the message this week. It shows that love never goes away and a reminder can come at the strangest of times if we just look for it. It breaks through the dawn to show us that our loved ones are still with us. There are several ways the responders this week sha
Saturday Morning Message: Introductions Saturday Morning Message: Introductions Saturday Morning Message: Introductions \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Since this week the Saturday Morning Message topic is about introductions, I thought I would open with a picture of my son, Bryon, doing what he loved to do. He was a crew chief on USMC helicopters. You can see by the smile on his face that he loved it. I am going to keep my comments short this week, because there were so many wonderful memories that were shared. Please enjoy this
Saturday Morning Message: Life Changes Saturday Morning Message: Life Changes Saturday Morning Message: Life Changes \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, The picture this week is of TAPS volunteers working on sending out information to survivors. I thought it would be a good picture since so many of the responders talked about volunteer work they are doing. As for me, joining the TAPS organization as a Peer Mentor was a turning point. From there, the idea of starting the weekly Saturday Morning Message came. When I started working pa
Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Book Thoughts Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Book Thoughts Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Book Thoughts \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, The topic this week came from reading the article in the latest TAPS Magazine and on the TAPS blog about five books written by survivors. This got me thinking about writing a book to honor our loved ones and that became the subject for this week’s message. Some of the contributions are about books that have already been written or how the love of books was shared, w
The Love Languages of Grief The Love Languages of Grief The Love Languages of Grief \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt When it comes to mourning and how others can best help us, there’s no one right way. Every person and every loss is unique. The people we grieve the loss of — as well as the circumstances of the loss — are also one-of-a-kind. After a significant loss, what we think and feel inside, in what ways we’re able to express those thoughts and feelings and how we feel supported by others vary from person to person and loss to
You are Warmly Welcome to Join Us on Memorial Day Weekend 2019 You are Warmly Welcome to Join Us on Memorial Day Weekend 2019 Join us on Memorial Day Weekend 2019 \| TAPS TAPS Just as the stars brighten the night, our TAPS family brings light into the darkness of grief. At the 25th Annual TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp, we’ll focus on the light of the love we have shared and continue to share. We’ll look more deeply into our own processes, reflect on our strengths, learn how we can give and accept support, and contemplate how
Saturday Morning Message: A Change of Purpose After Loved One's Death Saturday Morning Message: A Change of Purpose After Loved One's Death Saturday Morning Message: A Change of Purpose After Loved One's Death Carol Lane Good Morning, Our life is forever changed after the death of a loved one. This week's question was about doing things that honor our loved ones as our purpose in life changes. Jeanne, mother of Todd, sent this link to the "Open to Hope" radio show in which she was interviewed. Jeanne is an artist who has created many paintings including one s
Saturday Morning Message: A Sense of Accomplishment Saturday Morning Message: A Sense of Accomplishment Saturday Morning Message: A Sense of Accomplishment Carol Lane Good Morning, The picture this week is from Ginny, mother of Patrick. You will read about what she is doing later in the message. Since there were so many wonderful replies this week, I will keep my comments short. One thing that gives me a sense of accomplishment each week is seeing the Saturday Morning Message come to my mailbox. Then, I know you have all received it, too.
Saturday Morning Message: Grieving Multiple Losses Saturday Morning Message: Grieving Multiple Losses Saturday Morning Message: Grieving Multiple Losses Carol Lane Good morning, Hugs are important when we are grieving. This week, survivor comments about multiple losses varied from feelings after experiencing multiple losses to some of the things they have done to keep anxiety at a distance. I hope you will find their responses like a big hug across the miles. One addition to this week’s message is an idea from Cheryl, mother of Jack. She
Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Activities Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Activities Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Activities Carol Lane Good Morning, This past week, I attended the 23rd Annual TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp in the D.C. area. TAPS Seminars are a time of reflection and connection as we talk with other survivors who walk this journey with us. It is great to meet others in person who have been a part of the Online Community throughout the year. TAPS has given its website a
Saturday Morning Message: Special Memories Saturday Morning Message: Special Memories Saturday Morning Message: Special Memories Carol Lane Good morning, Sharing special memories about your loved one can be helpful for you, and it also allows others to get to know your cherished person. As you will see in the responses this week, there are a variety of ways to share those memories. Sometimes writing is good, but with technology, you can also use video or pictures if you find writing is too difficult right now. In that way, you can p
Saturday Morning Message: The Difference TAPS Has Made — Part 2 Saturday Morning Message: The Difference TAPS Has Made — Part 2 Saturday Morning Message: The Difference TAPS Has Made — Part 2 \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, This week, I am going to keep my comments short as there were several writers who have responded to the question about the difference TAPS has made in their lives. In addition to the Saturday Morning Message, there is also a monthly Writers’ Circle Newsletter that is published and goes out to those who sign up to receive it. It is for
Saturday Morning Message: The Warmth of Friendship Saturday Morning Message: The Warmth of Friendship Saturday Morning Message: The Warmth of Friendship Carol Lane Good morning, On this week’s TAPS Facebook page, it was suggested reading the article, “It Takes a Tribe” by Shauna Springer. The article fits today’s topic perfectly. She shares the ways a professional can give help and how we can support each other through friendship when disaster strikes. The article lists three ways that I want to explore: “Deploy the power of touch Speak
Saturday Morning Message: What is Success? Saturday Morning Message: What is Success? Saturday Morning Message: What is Success? Carol Lane Good morning, This week’s question about how has your view of success changed since your loved one passed brought in a lot of thoughtful responses. After reading the reply by Bonnie Jo, mother of Andrew, I asked her to send a picture of something she has created. She sent this picture and I decided that it should be the opening one this week. I split her reply into two sections. The first was ab
Hands Over Hearts: U.S. Olympians Honor Fallen Heroes Hands Over Hearts: U.S. Olympians Honor Fallen Heroes Hands Over Hearts: U.S. Olympians Honor Fallen Heroes Diana Hosford Right hand on heart place. We hear the first note of the National Anthem, direct our gaze to the Stars and Stripes and, for a moment, we silently and proudly honor our country. With our right hand on heart place. Holding close the memory of what we honor and celebrate. It's what we do. When the American flag is raised high in honor of a competition won, it marks a dr
Saturday Morning Message: Thankful Thoughts and Holiday Tips Saturday Morning Message: Thankful Thoughts and Holiday Tips Saturday Morning Message: Thankful Thoughts and Holiday Tips Carol Lane Good Morning, As 2016 comes to a close, it is time for many of us to look at where we are now on our grief journey and what has helped us. This week, survivors have shared what they are thankful for in their own lives, and TAPS has pulled together resources on the TAPS website to assist survivors during this time from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day. You can re
The Richard Tree: Never Forgotten The Richard Tree: Never Forgotten The Richard Tree: Never Forgotten Ester Allgower Christmas 2010 came four short months after the death of my 29-year-old son, Cpl. Richard Allgower. As the holiday approached, neither my husband, daughter nor I could find any Christmas spirit. In fact, we wanted desperately to avoid the sadness we felt as everyone around us was wrapped up in holiday planning. We needed to get away from the pervasive joy in the air this time of year. What could we do to av
Finding Your Inner Warrior Finding Your Inner Warrior Finding Your Inner Warrior Emily Munoz TAPS Launches 2016 Health and Wellness Initiative Visit www.taps.org/innerwarrior or email innerwarrior@taps.org to learn more about how to get involved. The pain of loss may make it difficult to find energy for anything other than half-hearted New Year’s resolutions. Too drained to go through the motions of identifying goals and possibilities, we never quite make it to the point of unwavering belief in what is yet to co
Healing Your Grieving Heart Healing Your Grieving Heart Healing Your Grieving Heart Bonnie Carroll Alan Wolfelt “Believe in the wonderment of life, the magic of love, and the reality of death.” – Carroll Bryant You may have heard of the "stages" of grief, popularized in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's landmark text, On Death and Dying. In this book she lists the five stages of grief that she saw terminally ill patients experience in the face of their own impending deaths: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and accep
New Relationships and Dating After Loss New Relationships and Dating After Loss New Relationships and Dating After Loss Amanda McPherson If you are reading this, you may have been fortunate to have found that special someone, only to have them taken from you too soon. I will not claim to understand your pain. You will forever be shaped by the experiences you shared with your lost loved one as well as your journey of healing. As I'm sure I don't need to tell you, there isn't one authority for handling grief or a how-to guide for hea
Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Bonnie Carroll Alan Wolfelt Because the person who died is no longer there to share the holidays with you, you may feel particularly sad and vulnerable during Christmas, Hanukkah and other holidays that are special to your family. Don't overextend yourself during the holidays. Don't feel you have to shop, bake, entertain, send cards, etc. if you're not up for it. Sometimes old holiday rituals are comforting after a death a
Seek Reconciliation, Not Resolution Seek Reconciliation, Not Resolution Seek Reconciliation, Not Resolution Alan Wolfelt “Mourning never really ends. Only as time goes on, it erupts less frequently.” ~ Anonymous How do you ever find your way out of the wilderness of your grief? You don't have to dwell there forever, do you? The good news is that no, you don't have to dwell there forever. If you follow the trail markers on your journey through the wilderness, you will find your way out. But just as with any significant exper
Something Borrowed, Something Blue Something Borrowed, Something Blue Something Borrowed, Something Blue \| TAPS Kat Stanley Ester Allgower A wedding is a bittersweet event when the bride and her family are still grieving the loss of one person whose presence at the wedding is critical. As my family prepared for my nuptials to my boyfriend of six years, we were missing one important person, my brother and only sibling, Corporal Richard Allgower, USMC. I was so devastated at the loss of my brother that I often wondered if I would
Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal Alan Wolfelt Historian Arnold Toynbee once wrote, "There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved." Unfortunately, many survivors of suicide suffer alone and in silence. The silence that surrounds them often complicates the healing that comes from being encouraged to mourn. Because of the social stigma surrounding suicide, survivors feel the pain of the loss, yet may not know ho
Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Emma Wright March 9, 2013 Two and a half years ago today marks the darkest day I've ever known. The day when I was awakened by two dark silhouettes that I could see through the decorative glass panel of my front door. I could have been dreaming. Given the fact that the sun had not risen, that was my immediate assumption. But the silhouettes became much more real as I opened the door, confused and very
Moments…Just Moments Moments…Just Moments Moments…Just Moments Darcie Sims Have you ever had a moment? You know, a moment when time stood still and everything was as it should be—right and good and whole and wonderful. A moment when you were in the right place at the right time and life was good. Did you ever have a moment like that? Did you ever have a moment when the sun danced across the windowpane and made a rainbow through the glass? Or the breeze caught the fragrance of roses and sent it drifting past
Mustering the Courage to Mourn Mustering the Courage to Mourn Mustering the Courage to Mourn Alan Wolfelt "Whatever you do, you need courage." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson Loss brings uninvited pain into our lives. In opening to the presence of the pain of your loss, in acknowledging the inevitability of the pain, in being willing to gently embrace the pain, you demonstrate the courage to honor the pain. Honoring means recognizing the value of and respecting. It is not instinctive to see grief as something to honor, yet the c
Myths about Children and Grief Myths about Children and Grief Myths about Children and Grief Darcie Sims Children are often shuttled off or ignored by adults who may be grieving themselves and do not have the energy, resources, or understanding necessary to help them. Society tends to pacify itself with the rationale that children are resilient and thus fails to recognize that children need as much compassion and support as adults require in adapting to dramatic or traumatic changes in their lives. Loss, regardless of t
Proactive Grieving Proactive Grieving Proactive Grieving Mitch Carmody And how we climb the S.T.A.I.R.S to get there When my father died in 1969, I was only 15 years old. My mom told me that I was the man of the family now and that I needed to take care of the farm and my sisters. I did just that. I did not grieve, I did not cry, I did not publicly mourn. I hid my sorrow as if it were some awful secret I was ashamed of. I moved on. When my brother died five years later, nothing much had changed. My brother
Saturday Morning Message: Priority Changes That Celebrate the Life Saturday Morning Message: Priority Changes That Celebrate the Life Saturday Morning Message: Priority Changes That Celebrate the Life Carol Lane Good Morning, Many survivors look for something to celebrate the lives of their loved one that they might not have done or they shift the way they look at things after a loved one dies. Today we share some ideas that others have tried. Please feel free to try the ones that interest you. Going to an event that like a TAPS seminar or retreat woul
Saturday Morning Message: Special Places Shared with Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Special Places Shared with Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Special Places Shared with Loved Ones Carol Lane Good Morning, Survivors wrote this week about special places they shared with their loved ones. Several people talked about going to a particular location on the day such as a birthday when they celebrate the life of their loved one. Let us share ideas of what we have done or plan to do to commemorate that particular day, so the question for next week is:
Saturday Morning Message: The Power of Dreams Saturday Morning Message: The Power of Dreams Saturday Morning Message: The Power of Dreams Carol Lane Good Morning, This week several survivors wrote to tell about the dreams that they have had. They are so beautifully written that I am going to keep my comments short, so you can enjoy reading them. Over the Memorial Day weekend, TAPS will host the National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp. There may be some who are reading this message who have registered for the first ti
The Story of Us The Story of Us The Story of Us Jenna Grassbaugh Love, Loss, Grief, Healing, and Everything in Between My husband once told me that despite the challenges life, law school, and the future might bring, all that mattered at the end of the day was that we had each other. He told me he would love me through the best of the best times and the worst of the worst. He was standing at a pay phone in Iraq when he uttered these words. Just a few months later, the worst of the worst times would begin f
What NOT to Say to a Military Widow What NOT to Say to a Military Widow What Not to Say to a Military Widow - TAPS News Jenna Grassbaugh "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal." ~Author Unknown When I first lost Jon, I didn't know how to let anyone help me. I retreated behind an emotional wall and kept almost everyone in my life at arm's length. The only person I wanted to talk with about how I was feeling was the one person I couldn't talk to ever again. I didn't have the energy to
Children’s Bereavement and Emotional Wellness, Part 1 Children’s Bereavement and Emotional Wellness, Part 1 Children’s Bereavement and Emotional Wellness, Part 1 Andrea Hug I vividly remember when my husband died. My children were four, two, and four months old. I hardly knew how to be a parent, let alone a sole parent to bereaved children. I remember going to see a counselor and saying, “What do I need to know to help these children grow up to be happy, healthy, productive members of society?” Now, 18 years later, I offer to you what I have gle
Honor and Remember Honor and Remember Honor and Remember George Lutz We've all heard the expression that freedom isn't free. That phrase became all too real to me on December 30, 2005. I got a knock on the door from two uniformed soldiers who spoke to me five simple words that changed my life forever: “We regret to inform you.” My oldest son Tony had been killed the day before by a sniper's bullet while on patrol in Fallujah, Iraq. The word “devastation” doesn’t begin to describe the flood of emotion th
Pedaling Fast, Headed Nowhere Pedaling Fast, Headed Nowhere Pedaling Fast, Headed Nowhere Darcie Sims I was riding my new exercise bike this morning, making good on a new year’s resolution, when I got to thinking. Here I am, pedaling fast and getting nowhere. It’s hard work. Riding an exercise bike is a lot like grieving. We seem to be pedaling fast and sometimes, it seems as if we are going nowhere. Grief just seems to become an endless ribbon of concrete, stretching far past my limits of endurance. It never seems t
So You Think You’re Going Crazy? So You Think You’re Going Crazy? So You Think You’re Going Crazy? Darcie Sims I first began to think about going crazy shortly after our son died. It seemed innocent enough in the beginning. Just an occasional sound that came from his bedroom or a whiff of his scent that would catch me by surprise. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I rather enjoyed those little reminders of him. But after sharing my first encounter with him with a neighbor, I knew the rest of the world would think me daft.
The Critical Importance of Seeking Support The Critical Importance of Seeking Support The Critical Importance of Seeking Support Alan Wolfelt Learning from the Geese If there is ever a time in life when we need others to support and nurture us, it’s when someone we love dies. In many ways, grief work is the most difficult work we will ever do. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Sharing the devastation that results from the death of someone precious won’t make the hurt go away, but it does make it more
The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 Alan Wolfelt Editor’s Note: The death of a loved one challenges us in many areas including our religious and spiritual beliefs. While spirituality and religious tradition help many who are grieving, TAPS does not endorse any one spiritual belief or religion over another. After the death of someone loved, you are “torn apart” and have some very unique needs. Among these needs is to nurture yourself in five importa
To Sleep or Not to Sleep, That is the Problem… To Sleep or Not to Sleep, That is the Problem… To Sleep or Not to Sleep, That is the Problem… TAPS Advice from TAPS Survivors For many of us, sleep patterns are disrupted after the death of a loved one, whether the trouble is lack of sleep or too much sleep. Sometimes we toss and turn, waiting for sleep to overtake us. Other times we waken suddenly in the middle of the night, heart racing and thoughts whirling. And sometimes we just want to pull the covers over our heads and ignore the
Books to Help Your Child Books to Help Your Child Books to Help Your Child Andrea Hug When your child faces the death of a loved one, his or her primary support system is profoundly impacted. Your family must find new ways to communicate as you all move through the loss. Sharing your feelings and experiences is really important, and while a direct conversation is good, you may not get as much information as you’d like. You might get only brief answers without thoughtful consideration about how your child really feels
Dispelling the Misconceptions Dispelling the Misconceptions Dispelling the Misconceptions Alan Wolfelt About Suicide and Grief and Mourning Excerpted from The Wilderness of Suicide Grief: Finding Your Way Misconception: A misconception is a mistaken notion you might have about something—in other words, something you believe to be true but that is not true. Misconceptions about grief are common in our society because we tend not to openly mourn or talk about grief and mourning. You can see how we’d have misconceptions
Responding to Teen Grief Responding to Teen Grief Responding to Teen Grief Linda Goldman Teen years can be turbulent ones under the best of circumstances, and the addition of the death of a parent, friend, sibling, or peer can be unsettling even for the most well adjusted adolescent. Common grief symptoms, such as intense mood swings, can become very frightening and unpredictable. Kevin was enraged when he heard the doctor say calmly that his friend Tony was dead. "Why couldn’t you save him?" he screamed, as he pound
The Journey through Grief The Journey through Grief The Journey through Grief Alan Wolfelt The Mourner’s Six Reconciliation Needs The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from "before" to "after" is almost always a long, painful journey. I have learned that if we are to heal, we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center. I have also learned that the journey
When Someone You Love Completes Suicide When Someone You Love Completes Suicide When Someone You Love Completes Suicide Alan Wolfelt Opening to the Presence of Your Loss This article is excerpted from Dr. Wolfelt's book The Wilderness of Suicide Grief: Finding Your Way. “In every heart there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures and our deepest pain.” ~ Marianne Williamson Someone you love has completed suicide. In your heart, you have come to know your deepest pain. To be bereaved literally means to be to
Winter Wallowing Winter Wallowing Winter Wallowing Darcie Sims Though winter seems to have more than its share of less than wondrous days, occasionally we have an especially down day. Some days aren't too bad. They start out kind of slowly, like a reluctant first grader, but gather momentum as the hours flow by. Some days get a jump-start on me. By the time I hit the shower, I'm functioning without feeling, so much like those early foggy days of grief. Those are the days when hot cocoa and a bowl of st
Bonds with the Deceased Don’t Have to End Bonds with the Deceased Don’t Have to End Bonds with the Deceased Don’t Have to End Gloria Horsley Heidi Horsley “Scott is dead!” These are the dreaded words that no parent or sibling should ever have to hear, words that irrevocably changed our lives forever. We heard these words in 1983, when Scott Horsley, our beloved son and brother, died in a fiery collision when the car in which he was a passenger hydroplaned and slammed into a bridge abutment. In an instant, Scott’s life was snuffed
The Twenty-Four Toughest Notes The Twenty-Four Toughest Notes The Twenty-Four Toughest Notes Roger Meyer Honoring our loved ones with “Taps” For more information visit www.buglesacrossamerica.org. If you are a brass player, you might consider joining us in our mission to bring live Taps to all veterans. We are always looking for more members so that we can honor more veterans. BAA has more than 5,000 buglers available across the nation. There are even members in Germany, Australia, and other countries—all sounding Taps fo
What Does 'Recover' Mean? What Does 'Recover' Mean? What Does 'Recover' Mean? Darcie Sims Redefining Our Expectations It’s hot and already I am beginning to pray for the return of winter. The days of summer have grown old and tired and I’m weary of hurting. Grief has followed me forever, or so it seems. When can I release the pain in search of the promise? How long must I hurt? Is grief measured in days, weeks, months, years, or lifetimes? I’m thirsty and I need a drink of hope. Grief has been a tornado, a volca
A Breath of Summertime—Anytime A Breath of Summertime—Anytime A Breath of Summertime—Anytime Darcie Sims It’s summer and the air is warm upon my face. The sunlight dances across the grass, casting tiny shadows of the dandelions that wave in the afternoon breeze. It’s nice here, sitting on the step, letting my mind wander, not really thinking of anything much. It’s been a long time since I was able to just sit and enjoy the gentle rhythms of a summer’s day. Do you remember summer? Summer, that wonderful reprieve from w
Stop, Look, Listen Stop, Look, Listen Stop, Look, Listen Darcie Sims When was the last time you did nothing? Do you ever just sit anymore? Do you ever just lie on your back in new mown grass and watch the clouds dance by? Do you ever chase after butterflies, trying to give them a message to carry? Or dangle your toes in a pond or watch kids dash through a sprinkler? Do you ever sit on a porch or patio and smell the grass, the flowers, the air? Do you even have a porch or patio and do you know what sitting
Christmas in Section 60, Arlington National Cemetery Christmas in Section 60, Arlington National Cemetery Christmas in Section 60, Arlington National Cemetery Scott Warner Christmas is a special time for families. My family has always loved Christmas, and it is a wonderful time of year for making memories with your special loved ones, family, and friends. Over the years, our family developed our own special traditions and rituals that became part of our holiday season. Each year, we spent Christmas Eve at my cousin’s house, wore special Christm
Helping Military Kids with Traumatic Death Helping Military Kids with Traumatic Death Helping Military Kids with Traumatic Death Linda Goldman Ordinary fears are a normal part of a child’s developmental growth, and children create internal and external mechanisms to cope with these fears. But a child’s ordinary fears can be transformed into very real survival fears in the face of severe trauma. After children experience the death of a parent, they often feel alone and different. Frightened because their once comfortable world now seem
Run and Remember: My Destiny Run and Remember: My Destiny Run and Remember: My Destiny Xiomara Hall A Journey from Arlington to Arlington I used to think life was an adventure. I had lived through so much in my few years... I experienced loss early in my life when my mother passed, but I still I believed it was the natural order of things: children bury their parents. As I reflect on that period I understand now that it was part of a master plan, one that I did not understand, one I could not control, one that would car
Snowflakes Snowflakes Snowflakes Darcie Sims Surviving the Winter Season Have you ever stood outside with your head tilted back and your mouth open wide trying to catch a snowflake? Snowflakes fall everywhere: on your hair, your chin, your eyelashes, even your nose. And some even manage to land on the very tip of your tongue only to vanish before you can really get a taste. Each snowflake is a completely different design and pattern. No two are ever created exactly the same. It is a mystery that co
Growing Up TAPS: Leaning Into Your Influence as a Parent Growing Up TAPS: Leaning Into Your Influence as a Parent Growing Up TAPS: Leaning Into Your Influence as a Parent Andy McNiel It is not easy to be a parent today. We compete with so many other things that demand our children’s attention and fill their minds with messages that shape how they see themselves, others, and the world around them. I have had many parents express their frustrations about this current situation and wonder if they even have any sway in their child’s life. Sometimes it
Grief Causing Physical Pain? Turns Out, That’s Pretty Normal. Grief Causing Physical Pain? Turns Out, That’s Pretty Normal. Kathleen Ferraro In the weeks after my father died, I was numb. And then one day, about two months later, bam. My neck muscles were so tight I couldn’t turn my head, my stomach churned in ways unrelated to hunger, my jaw was clenched shut, and my limbs were heavy with exhaustion. The physical effects of grief had finally caught up with me. Over the next few years, these physical health issues came in waves — sometimes a heada
Why I'm Here Why I'm Here Why I'm Here \| TAPS Emily Henkel “I will get through this. I can do hard things. These hard things will make me better and stronger. Please let me fulfill the rest of my life on this Earth. Please let me use this for good. Please send me a blessing — any blessing — and I pray so hard that soon my rescue will come.” — Personal journal entry, April 7, 2021, from a cliffside in Death Valley National Park Life has exposed itself to me in its purest and most naked form — reve
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Five You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Five You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Five \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is part five of a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Parts one through four were published in the summer 2023, fall 2023, spring 2024, and summer 2024 issues of TAPS Magazine. In early grief, existential questions tend to naturally arise. Why did the person have to die? Why now? Why
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Four You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Four You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Four \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is part four of a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Parts one through three were published in the summer 2023, fall 2023, and spring 2024 issues of TAPS Magazine. Telling Your Stories Helps You Survive Telling your stories of love and loss helps you survive. The more you allow you
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is part three of a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Part one and part two appeared in the summer and fall issues of TAPS Magazine. Acknowledging the Illusion of Control Death naturally throws thoughts, feelings, and behaviors into disarray. Nothing may feel “normal” right now.
The Rewards of Mentoring Military Survivors The Rewards of Mentoring Military Survivors The Rewards of Mentoring Military Survivors \| TAPS Amber Loveless Noah Velazquez Kristin Cook In honor of National Mentoring Month, several of our mentors, TAPS Military Mentor Amber Loveless, TAPS Peer Mentor Noah Velazquez, and TAPS Peer Mentor Kristin Cook, have shared their mentoring story. To learn more about mentoring opportunities at TAPS, please refer to Peer Mentors and Military Mentors and Legacy Mentors pages.
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part One You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part One You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part One \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Author's Note: I have been a grief counselor and educator for more than 40 years, and “crazy” is the most common way in which people describe their early grief to me. Let me assure you straight off: It is normal to feel crazy after a significant loss. But you’re actually not going crazy in the way you may think. What you’re doing is grieving. This six-part article series
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Two You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Two You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Two \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is part two of a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Part one appeared in the summer issue of TAPS Magazine. It's Important for You to Feel Safe and Comforted Have you felt stressed, anxious, fearful, agitated, panicked, worried, or uneasy since the death? I’m not sure grief is possib
Agency Over Agent Orange Agency Over Agent Orange Agency Over Agent Orange \| TAPS Claire Henline “Hey ‘CG’ Can I get you anything?” It was the question my dad always asked me when I was really sick. The kind of sick he could tell just by the look of me — a crumpled up little lump of ginger lethargy on the couch with my woobie — was not just the ‘7 to 2 get out of school flu’ I sometimes came down with. It came in a tone of deep sincerity and earnest determination to fix it however best he could. His hea
Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Birthdays Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Birthdays Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Birthdays \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Awhile back there was a discussion with a TAPS group about celebrating our loved one’s birthday and I thought it would be a good question for this weekly message. The responses this week came from those who answered that question. The quote at the beginning really speaks to our feelings about keeping our loved one’s memory alive. Sometimes after reading the Saturday Mo
Embracing the Sadness of Grief Embracing the Sadness of Grief Embracing the Sadness of Grief Alan Wolfelt “In every heart there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures and our deepest pain.” — Marianne Williamson Sadness is a hallmark symptom of grief, which in turn is the consequence of losing something we care about. In this way you could say that sadness and love are inextricably linked. When you are grieving, it is normal to feel sad. I would even argue that it is necessary to feel sad. But why i
Introducing Dayna Wood Introducing Dayna Wood Introducing Dayna Wood Dayna Wood At one point in my life I thought a year was a long time, and in some ways I still agree with that, but at the same time, it often feels like I blink and another year has gone by. The last 13 months have been particularly rough. My fiancé SSG Su Wan Ko was killed in an automobile accident in March 2011. The months without him have felt like years, but the time I spent with him felt too short. It seems to be a cruel joke of life. Now
Embracing the Sadness of Grief Embracing the Sadness of Grief Embracing the Sadness of Grief \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt “In every heart, there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures and our deepest pain.” — Marianne Williamson Sadness is a hallmark symptom of grief, which in turn is the consequence of losing something we care about. In this way, you could say that sadness and love are inextricably linked. Yes, when you are grieving, it is normal to feel sad. I would even argue that it is necessary to fee
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is the final article in a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Parts one through five were published in the summer 2023, fall 2023, spring 2024, summer 2024 and fall 2024 issues of TAPS Magazine. In the early days after the death of someone you love dearly, it’s normal for this step to