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Saturday Morning Message: Thoughts on a New Year Saturday Morning Message: Thoughts on a New Year Carol Lane Good Morning, It is a new year and for many people that means making resolutions that involve revising our present pattern of behavior or adding something to it. Before changing things, we need to ask if our lives will benefit from changing our behavior or continuing in the same way. When I ask myself questions like that, I find it most helpful to read or ask what others think to get some new ideas. The latest TAPS Magazine include
Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them Alan Wolfelt “Allow stories to be told without slipping into interpretations, analysis, and conclusions.” — Thomas Moore When I attended graduate school in traditional psychology, I learned semantics such as assess, diagnose and treat. In large part, I was taught to study a body of knowledge surrounding mental health, assume expert status as a p
Good Grief Camp Corner Good Grief Camp Corner Good Grief Camp Corner Jonathan Kirkendall It was May 2006. I was a civilian, a mental health professional, and I was standing in the lobby of the Doubletree Hotel in Arlington, Va., feeling lost. A few weeks before, I heard a radio interview with Bonnie Carroll talking about a program called TAPS. With a brother and a nephew serving in Iraq, I was intrigued. I was struggling to find a concrete way to support the troops - especially since the troops were my family. A
Saturday Morning Message: Grief Meltdowns Saturday Morning Message: Grief Meltdowns Saturday Morning Message: Grief Meltdowns Carol Lane Good Morning, Grief episodes or meltdowns are times that are hard to control. Sometimes they arrive when you are at places or at times when you don't expect them. Sarah, spouse of David wrote: "I was walking my dog this morning and thinking about a recent grief episode I had. It was at my son's college vet affairs office of all places! It got me to thinking about the many places where these bouts o
Team TAPS: Battle Buddies Team TAPS: Battle Buddies Team TAPS: Battle Buddies TAPS TAPS provides support for anyone affected by the death of a service member, and that includes the battle buddies who trained and served with our loved ones. Not only are these service members TAPS survivors themselves, but many of them become runners and fundraisers on the Run and Remember Team as well. Sometimes they meet the family of their close friend who died. Often they are able to share stories of the one who died. Always they we
The Financial Aftermath of Military Loss The Financial Aftermath of Military Loss The Financial Aftermath of Military Loss TAPS Helping Families Build a "New Normal" After Carole Hilton’s Navy husband died suddenly, the widowed mother of three had to make a number of financial decisions immediately, while she was preparing to bury her husband. As she details in a recent podcast, she worried she might make a mistake that would hurt her family’s future and jeopardize their financial security. While the military provided a death gra
Voices of the Love Lives On Act of 2023 Voices of the Love Lives On Act of 2023 Voices of the Love Lives On Act of 2023 \| TAPS TAPS Why We Advocate TAPS is dedicated to supporting all military and veteran survivors, and part of this commitment is advocating for program and service improvements that can directly impact life after loss. We work closely with elected officials; the Departments of Defense, Veterans Affairs, Education, Labor, and Health and Human Services; and state and local governments to make sure survivor concerns
Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, This week survivors wrote a variety of ways they honor their loved ones. This picture seems to exemplify this. It shows a TAPS parachute with the Army veteran jumper holding the American flag. In this way TAPS honors those who have passed while serving our country. I am going to keep my comments short so you can get to all the wonderful responses that came in th
Saturday Morning Message: Paying Respects Saturday Morning Message: Paying Respects Saturday Morning Message: Paying Respects \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, While reading the latest TAPS magazine, I came across an article titled “The Love Languages of Grief” written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. In it, he lists the five primary ways from Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” that help us feel loved. When a friend has a loved one die, this article can help us know what to do to make him or her feel our care. The responses this
Saturday Morning Message: New Traditions Saturday Morning Message: New Traditions Saturday Morning Message: New Traditions Carol Lane Good Morning, The picture this morning is of an arrangement made by my sister-in-law to celebrate the season. I light it every night during the holidays to honor the life of my son, Bryon. When a loved one dies, it can be hard to face the upcoming time and keep the same traditions. To simplify your life, think about the customs you would like to keep and ones you could let go just for this year. You
My Experience of Trauma My Experience of Trauma My Experience of Trauma Lisa Hudson Excerpted from How Do We Tell the Children by Dan Schaeffer When I went to bed on the night of October 22, 1983, my life was stable, predictable, safe, and happy. Within twenty-four hours, my world toppled, shattering into a million pieces. On October 23, the Marine Corps barracks where my husband lived was bombed, killing 241 service members as they slept. I felt terror, fear, panic, anxiety, worry, and confusion. I couldn't sle
Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Bonnie Carroll Alan Wolfelt Because the person who died is no longer there to share the holidays with you, you may feel particularly sad and vulnerable during Christmas, Hanukkah and other holidays that are special to your family. Don't overextend yourself during the holidays. Don't feel you have to shop, bake, entertain, send cards, etc. if you're not up for it. Sometimes old holiday rituals are comforting after a death a
Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Emma Wright March 9, 2013 Two and a half years ago today marks the darkest day I've ever known. The day when I was awakened by two dark silhouettes that I could see through the decorative glass panel of my front door. I could have been dreaming. Given the fact that the sun had not risen, that was my immediate assumption. But the silhouettes became much more real as I opened the door, confused and very
Waiting to Exhale . . . Waiting to Exhale . . . Waiting to Exhale . . . Amy Dozier January 9, 2008: The knock . . . the shock . . . They came around 8:30 on a Wednesday night. I had just put Emma in her crib and sat down to watch TV. There were three of them and I thought they were there to kill us. Why else would these official-looking men be at my house so late at night during an active war time? I didn't believe them when they "regretted" to inform me. I wouldn't even let them in my house. I remember shaking a
Moments…Just Moments Moments…Just Moments Moments…Just Moments Darcie Sims Have you ever had a moment? You know, a moment when time stood still and everything was as it should be—right and good and whole and wonderful. A moment when you were in the right place at the right time and life was good. Did you ever have a moment like that? Did you ever have a moment when the sun danced across the windowpane and made a rainbow through the glass? Or the breeze caught the fragrance of roses and sent it drifting past
Proactive Grieving Proactive Grieving Proactive Grieving Mitch Carmody And how we climb the S.T.A.I.R.S to get there When my father died in 1969, I was only 15 years old. My mom told me that I was the man of the family now and that I needed to take care of the farm and my sisters. I did just that. I did not grieve, I did not cry, I did not publicly mourn. I hid my sorrow as if it were some awful secret I was ashamed of. I moved on. When my brother died five years later, nothing much had changed. My brother
Struggling To Reclaim My Faith Struggling To Reclaim My Faith Struggling To Reclaim My Faith Dennis Apple My nightmare began on Wednesday, February 6, 1991, at 8:20 a.m. Denny, our eighteen- year-old son had been diagnosed with mononucleosis two days prior, and the doctor had sent us home with medications and orders to rest. However, something awful happened during the night, and the following morning I discovered he had died in his sleep. There is nothing I know of that compares to the horror and shock that comes to the h
Beyond the Sea Beyond the Sea Beyond the Sea Cindy Hooks Morrison Scaling Grief Mountain I have filled the ocean deep with tears and scaled a rugged mountain of grief, yelling and wrestling with my faith the whole way. With an aching heart and a broken soul, I climbed and I cried. I crawled and I yelled. I fell. Armed only with the strength of love left behind, I stood up, dusted off, and climbed again. When I got to the top, I saw that the world was waiting for me to emerge on the other side. I let a sile
Handling the Holidays Handling the Holidays Handling the Holidays Darcie Sims The holidays are coming and I’m not ready. Everything seems to sparkle and there is always so much to do! It is a festive time, filled with joyous occasions and family gatherings. But when your family circle has been broken by death, holidays and special days may only serve to remind you of the empty space at the table, the hole in your heart. I am not sure if I will ever again be ready for the holidays. The world has simply gone mad
The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 Alan Wolfelt Editor’s Note: The death of a loved one challenges us in many areas including our religious and spiritual beliefs. While spirituality and religious tradition help many who are grieving, TAPS does not endorse any one spiritual belief or religion over another. After the death of someone loved, you are “torn apart” and have some very unique needs. Among these needs is to nurture yourself in five importa
Widow Shares Marine’s Story Widow Shares Marine’s Story Widow Shares Marine’s Story Kim Ruocco Widow Shares Marine’s Story to Save Others From Suicide, Helps Families Left Behind Kim Ruocco regularly relives her darkest days – her husband’s suicide and the downward spiral that led to it – to save other military families from the same heartbreak. Speaking to standing-room-only audiences at the Natick Soldier Systems Center, Ruocco described the chain of events that led to Marine Corps Maj. John Ruocco’s death in Februa
The Journey through Grief The Journey through Grief The Journey through Grief Alan Wolfelt The Mourner’s Six Reconciliation Needs The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from "before" to "after" is almost always a long, painful journey. I have learned that if we are to heal, we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center. I have also learned that the journey
What Cody Taught Me What Cody Taught Me What Cody Taught Me Michael Lewis "To live in the hearts of those you leave behind is never to die." ~ Robert Orr Every day, when I get to work and flip the switch on my computer, I come face to face with the image of Private First Class Cody Grater, posing under the famous Hands of Victory crossed swords monument in Baghdad. He’s replete in full army gear, holding his rifle, finger poised on the trigger. Cody died on July 29, 2007 when his guard position was struck by a
Snowflakes Snowflakes Snowflakes Darcie Sims Surviving the Winter Season Have you ever stood outside with your head tilted back and your mouth open wide trying to catch a snowflake? Snowflakes fall everywhere: on your hair, your chin, your eyelashes, even your nose. And some even manage to land on the very tip of your tongue only to vanish before you can really get a taste. Each snowflake is a completely different design and pattern. No two are ever created exactly the same. It is a mystery that co
Understanding the Anger of Grief Understanding the Anger of Grief Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. * TAPS Advisory Board “Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water — anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow… Be human.” ― C. JoyBell C.  If you’re feeling angry after the death of someone loved, I want to assure you that all your emotions are normal — even unpleasant and sometimes scary feelings, l
Grief Is. Grief Is. Grief Is. \| TAPS Augusto Cespedes Grief is a memory— a deep thought you once tucked away and wished a hundred, million times was a fleeting moment. Valentine’s Day, 2007, early evening, Haqlaniyah, Iraq — Danny Morris was the last one of my three best friends I had to say goodbye to. Grief is a nightmare — vivid, living, beating, haunting, but part of you doesn’t want to wake up. Confused and broken, I replayed his death over and over in my head, exhaustingly dissect
Our Hearts Are With You — TAPS Natural Disaster Response Our Hearts Are With You — TAPS Natural Disaster Response Our Hearts Are With You — TAPS Natural Disaster Response TAPS This article was first published on the TAPS website on September 16, 2020 and has been updated periodically for the latest information regarding personal insurance and FEMA guidance after experiencing a natural disaster. ARE YOU READY? COMMUNICATION IS KEY PREPARE FOR DISASTER BUILD A KIT REPORT, RECOVER AND REBUILD LOOK FOR THE HELPERS FEDERAL RESOURCES TO PREPARE
Yoga Was My Survival Raft: A Journey of Healing Through Teaching Yoga Yoga Was My Survival Raft: A Journey of Healing Through Teaching Yoga Yoga Was My Survival Raft: A Journey of Healing Through Teaching Yoga \| TAPS Rayanne Hunter For many years, my family’s Memorial Day Weekends have looked quite different from the collective norm. We look forward to the TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar every year, where we gather with a family that we never expected to be a part of– our Gold Star Family. My husband, U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Wesley Hunter, died on Sept
Saturday Morning Message: What has someone done for you to ease your grief that you'll never forget? Saturday Morning Message: What has someone done for you to ease your grief that you'll never forget? Saturday Morning Message: What has someone done for you to ease your grief that you'll never forget? \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, Supporting families who have experienced the loss of a loved one can be very important as we all know. This week survivors have written about the meaningful gifts others gave them in their grief. TAPS gives survivors many gifts, and this week the Saturday Morn
Saturday Morning Message: Making a Difference With TAPS Events Saturday Morning Message: Making a Difference With TAPS Events Saturday Morning Message: Making a Difference With TAPS Events \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Since our question this week is about TAPS events, and those who responded covered many of them, I thought showing a picture of American TAPS survivors meeting in 2016 in the United Kingdom might be helpful to show that TAPS also travels to other countries. If you want to attend an event from your own living room, I suggest the chats
Saturday Morning Message: Favorite Hometown Places Saturday Morning Message: Favorite Hometown Places Saturday Morning Message: Favorite Hometown Places \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, There are many wonderful places to visit in our country. TAPS helps us see some of those places when we think about going to the various retreats, seminars, and other experiences with a group of survivors. To find out more, go to the events section of the TAPS website. This week the responders proudly wrote about the great locations in their hometowns that pe
Saturday Morning Message: Responding to Comments Saturday Morning Message: Responding to Comments Saturday Morning Message: Responding to Comments \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, This week there were a variety of comments about how others celebrate the lives of their loved ones on special days. They also offered strategies about coping with family members and friends who may have a different way of grieving or have opinions that hurt you deeply. I found an article from the TAPS website titled Beyond the Burst of Support written by TAPS Sui
Saturday Morning Message: When Grief Awakes You Saturday Morning Message: When Grief Awakes You Saturday Morning Message: When Grief Awakes You Carol Lane Good Morning, Sleep can be difficult for many survivors after the death of a loved one. Sharing ideas among survivors may be helpful. When we are grieving, it is hard to come up with new ideas, so today we will look at a variety of thoughts survivors have sent. Caryn, mother of Nathan, wrote, "When grief wakes me, it's usually because of a realistic-type dream. I usually can't retur
Saturday Morning Message: Living Life to Fullest Saturday Morning Message: Living Life to Fullest Saturday Morning Message: Living Life to Fullest Carol Lane Good Morning, As you read answers from survivors, living life after the loss of a loved one is not easy, but we all take up the challenge in different ways. The picture today comes from the recent TAPS Magazine article by Linda Ambard, spouse of Air Force Maj. Philip Ambard , titled "The Journey of Hope Never Ends." In this article, Linda talks about looking at things that she wanted
Saturday Morning Message: Pet Comfort Saturday Morning Message: Pet Comfort Military Survivors Find Comfort in Pets - TAPS News Carol Lane Good Morning, The opening picture was sent by Donna, mother of Eric. It is a picture of one of her Yorkies, Gator, who is nuzzling her best friend's puppy. Later in the Saturday Morning Message, there's a photo of Sunny Bunny next to Donna's response to this week's question about the comfort pets bring a grieving person. Sharing your space with a pet can be very rewarding. Just having th
A Recipe for Holiday Wellness A Recipe for Holiday Wellness A Recipe for Holiday Wellness Nancy Heinrich Holiday traditions are part of a family’s collective memory. What was your favorite holiday tradition growing up? Was it making and decorating cookies with your mother? Singing carols with neighbors? Decorating the house? Holiday traditions are part of a family's collective memory. Traditions define families and communities. Children depend on them like they do the security of their favorite blanket. Traditions gro
Honor and Remember Honor and Remember Honor and Remember George Lutz We've all heard the expression that freedom isn't free. That phrase became all too real to me on December 30, 2005. I got a knock on the door from two uniformed soldiers who spoke to me five simple words that changed my life forever: “We regret to inform you.” My oldest son Tony had been killed the day before by a sniper's bullet while on patrol in Fallujah, Iraq. The word “devastation” doesn’t begin to describe the flood of emotion th
Run and Remember: A Special Connection Run and Remember: A Special Connection Run and Remember: A Special Connection Bob Derga Lisa Arnold Each year the TAPS Run and Remember Team pairs willing runners with families of the fallen whose loved ones will be commemorated by the run. As our largest running event of the year, the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) in October fields the most runners and therefore makes the most connections between families and runners. Last year Lisa Arnold, a mother of five young boys, ran the MCM in h
A Visit to Arlington A Visit to Arlington A Visit to Arlington \| TAPS Pamela Henne Walking Among the Familiar My letter began, You don’t know me, but you knew my father when you both served in Europe during World War II. My mother has told me how she hears from you at Christmastime and you always speak fondly of Dad and your days together as soldiers. My father was a great man; gracious, patient and most importantly a hero. Of course he never saw himself this way, but I certainly did. He taught me by his action
Responding to Teen Grief Responding to Teen Grief Responding to Teen Grief Linda Goldman Teen years can be turbulent ones under the best of circumstances, and the addition of the death of a parent, friend, sibling, or peer can be unsettling even for the most well adjusted adolescent. Common grief symptoms, such as intense mood swings, can become very frightening and unpredictable. Kevin was enraged when he heard the doctor say calmly that his friend Tony was dead. "Why couldn’t you save him?" he screamed, as he pound
Traumatic Grief Traumatic Grief Traumatic Grief Jill Harrington-LaMorie Are you at risk for post traumatic stress? Imagine driving down the street and crossing an intersection. You glance quickly left and right, but out of nowhere you are hit by an oncoming vehicle. The impact is painful, crushing, debilitating. It takes your breath away and spirals you out of control for what seems like an eternity. Spinning, spinning, spinning, you finally come to a stop and have the sudden realization that you have surv
Run and Remember: Finding Our Stride Run and Remember: Finding Our Stride Run and Remember: Finding Our Stride Marie Campbell How the Marine Corps Marathon became a fundraiser for TAPS On June 25, 1996, at three o’clock in the morning, my life changed forever when three Air Force officials knocked on my door to tell me that my husband and best friend, Dee “Soup” Campbell, was one of nineteen Airmen who did not survive a terrorist attack at the Khobar Towers Military Housing Complex in Saudi Arabia. I couldn’t comprehend this, s
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is part three of a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Part one and part two appeared in the summer and fall issues of TAPS Magazine. Acknowledging the Illusion of Control Death naturally throws thoughts, feelings, and behaviors into disarray. Nothing may feel “normal” right now.
A Look at Loneliness A Look at Loneliness A Look at Loneliness \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt "The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness." — Norman Cousins The COVID-19 pandemic has increased our awareness of the problem of loneliness. We were lonely before the novel coronavirus arose, and we’re even lonelier since routine social distancing, isolation, and quarantining became unfortunate necessities. Of course, for those of us in grief, the natural loneliness of loss also compounds our fe
Supporting Grieving Military Children: What We All Need To Know Supporting Grieving Military Children: What We All Need To Know Supporting Grieving Military Children: What We All Need To Know Bonnie Carroll November 15 is National Children's Grief Awareness Day. At the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), we provide comfort and care to anyone grieving the death of a loved one every day, but we take today to recognize the special challenges that military children face after losing a parent, and the strengths they carry that can help them cope
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is the final article in a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Parts one through five were published in the summer 2023, fall 2023, spring 2024, summer 2024 and fall 2024 issues of TAPS Magazine. In the early days after the death of someone you love dearly, it’s normal for this step to
Pets and Grief: Can Our Animals Help Us Heal After Loss? Pets and Grief: Can Our Animals Help Us Heal After Loss? Pets and Grief: Can Our Animals Help Us Heal After Loss? \| TAPS Stephanie Frogge When the TAPS Helpline staff has a chance to connect every few days, we share information and updates, and we check in with each other — how are you, how is the week going, how is your family? And we know that family most definitely includes Niki’s 40-pound bulldog mutt who thinks she’s a lap dog, Maggie; my own Luna Cat, who is only sociable when I’m on Zo
Why I'm Here Why I'm Here Why I'm Here \| TAPS Emily Henkel “I will get through this. I can do hard things. These hard things will make me better and stronger. Please let me fulfill the rest of my life on this Earth. Please let me use this for good. Please send me a blessing — any blessing — and I pray so hard that soon my rescue will come.” — Personal journal entry, April 7, 2021, from a cliffside in Death Valley National Park Life has exposed itself to me in its purest and most naked form — reve
Saturday Morning Message: Pet Support for Survivors Saturday Morning Message: Pet Support for Survivors Saturday Morning Message: Pet Support for Survivors Carol Lane Good Morning, This week survivors sent their heartwarming responses about how pets have helped them on their individual grief journeys. Many sent pictures of their house pets, so I thought you might find it interesting to see a picture of outside pets sent by Susan, spouse of Charles, at the beginning of today’s message. I will keep my remarks short this week as there were so ma