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How Are Pain and Love Connected? How Are Pain and Love Connected? How Are Pain and Love Connected? Franklin Cook As I sat with the other panelists in the opening session of my fourth TAPS National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar, and looked out at the sea of faces of those who had lost a loved one to suicide, I related strongly to the cumulative pain in the room. I often about the author speak about addictive behaviors as a way to numb pain, so I understand the idea that we wish we could escape from the pain of our grief.
Healing and Hope After Suicide Healing and Hope After Suicide Healing and Hope After Suicide Iris Bolton Surviving the death of a dear one is to endure great pain. Surviving a suicidal death is to compound that pain, often with guilt, anger, and confusion. Fortunately, hope is on the horizon with of the growing knowledge about grief and traumatic loss. This hope is fueled by a new willingness to talk freely about death. The grief community is learning about the causes of suicide, helping to discover ways to assist with
Helping a Grandparent Who Is Grieving Helping a Grandparent Who Is Grieving Helping a Grandparent Who Is Grieving Alan Wolfelt "When a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve twice. They mourn the loss of the child and they feel the pain of their own child's suffering. Sometimes we forget about the grandparents when a child dies. You can help by not forgetting, by offering the grandparents your love, support and presence in the weeks and months to come." ~ From Healing a Grandparent's Grieving Heart by Alan Wolfelt A child or
Normal Isn’t Normal Anymore Normal Isn’t Normal Anymore Normal Isn’t Normal Anymore Betsy Beard I used to believe, along with author Patsy Clairmont who wrote a humorous book of the same title, that Normal Is Just a Setting on Your Dryer. But it seems like so much more to me, now. When our son died, "normal" flew out the window and hasn't returned. And because of its departure, leaving confusion, chaos, and disarray in its wake, the concept of normal seems far more important now than just a setting on the dryer. And not
Boxes in the Attic: Part Two Boxes in the Attic: Part Two Boxes in the Attic: Part Two Betsy Beard You Can’t Take It With You It is said that one of the tasks of grieving is to relocate the loved one from being a physical presence to that of residing in our hearts and memories. It is not an easy task. And we really don’t want to do it. We just want them to come home and walk in the door. And after a few years, we get it. They’re not coming home. They won’t be watching this movie, reading that book, or wearing those clo
Feelings In the Spaces of My Heart For Which There Are No Words Feelings In the Spaces of My Heart For Which There Are No Words Feelings In the Spaces of My Heart For Which There Are No Words Linda Ambard When Phil's candle burned out far too early, I snuffed out a part of me with him. In the 23 years of marriage, I found a safe harbor to weather the storms in. Before I met Phil, I didn't have laughter in my life and I yearned for a place to call home. Marrying a military man meant that my idea of home changed from a location to a concept. Home was wh
Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Carol Lane Good Morning, This is a time many come together with friends and family to share holiday recipes and memories. For many survivors, it can also be a time of sadness. Contemplating what you might do to pay tribute to your loved one might can ease those feelings. Honoring your loved one can be on a traditional holiday or one that is special just to your family and friends. This week s
Welcome Home Welcome Home Welcome Home Donna Elm Creating a New Family Refuge We are psychologically tethered to those we love. When they die, we are cut loose from those firm moorings, so we feel adrift, disoriented. When people ask how we are doing, the answer is certain: “We are lost.” We lost Mike on October 14, 2011. On a mission in Afghanistan, he never saw the IED buried in the dirt that he was crossing. We were notified the next morning. For the previous ten months, I had been on the edge of m
Coping with the Holidays Coping with the Holidays Coping with the Holidays TAPS Advice from TAPS Survivors Sometimes people expect us to plaster a smile on our faces and go about the holidays as if nothing were wrong. They don’t understand that every day is a challenge for us, especially in the early years and especially during the winter holiday season. Here are some honest observations from TAPS survivors about coping with the holidays. Although we may have different faith backgrounds and different relationships t
Gaining Strength on the Journey Gaining Strength on the Journey Survivor Father Finds Hope at TAPS Seminar - TAPS News Andy Weiss Remembering, Celebrating, and Sharing with TAPS My family attended the 19th Annual TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar last May. It was an inspiring weekend with our fellow travelers in loss. I marvel at how far this river has swept me downstream from where I first fell in, drowning in my grief. How far I’ve gone and how changed I am! I lost my son, Army First Lieutenant Danny Weiss, on M
Grief 101: Advice to New TAPS Survivors Grief 101: Advice to New TAPS Survivors Grief 101: Advice to New TAPS Survivors TAPS The Saturday Message is a letter that comes through email to TAPS parents, spouses, siblings, and friends. It includes thoughts from the survivors themselves. When one asks a question, the others are free to respond. Asked recently what advice they would give to a newly bereaved person, TAPS survivors responded with powerful and diverse answers. DEB BONN Surviving mother of Ensign Elizabeth Bonn This will
Love and Grief Love and Grief Love and Grief Alan Wolfelt Living as You Were Meant to Live “We are all mirrors unto one another. Look into me and you will find something of yourself as I will of you.” ~ Walter Rinder Love is a sacred partnership of communion with another human being. You take each other in, and even when you are apart, you are together. Wherever you go, you carry the person inside you. Communion means the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially on a spiritual l
She Said, He Said She Said, He Said She Said, He Said Chris Sweet Danielle Balmer Sweet Tech. Sgt. Ryan A. Balmer died June 5, 2007, in Kirkuk, Iraq. He was assigned as Special Agent to the Air Force Office of Special Investigations. Tech. Sgt. Jessica Sweet died February 12, 2009, five months after she was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia. She Said “How am I supposed to kiss you goodbye tomorrow at the airport knowing it might be the last time I see you?” As Ryan stood there that night with his
Introducing Alice Daniel Introducing Alice Daniel Introducing Alice Daniel Alice Daniel "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh Only sadness has consumed my life more than the word WHY. I came into this world a “daughter.” My father died at 39 years old. I was 12. I thought my world had come to an end. Surely there was no greater pain that could be suffered than to lose your parent.
In Search of Joy In Search of Joy In Search of Joy Darcie Sims Finding Your Way Through the Darkness Do you know how long it took me to allow laughter and joy to return to my life? Do you know how far it is from this side of the page to your side? Do you know how difficult it is to write about death? It was a long journey. It took me thirty years to get from your side of this page to mine...a long time...actually a whole lifetime! I liked my other life. In fact, I loved it! I hadn't intended to be h
When the Bough Breaks When the Bough Breaks When the Bough Breaks Colleen Betlach Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter Note: All reviews are the opinions of the reviewer and do not constitute an endorsement on the part of TAPS. I have always been an avid reader. I love books and literature for education and fantasy. Even as my bookshelves filled up, I obtained more. I loved the feel of being in a room full of books, and I was on my way to creating libraries in each room of our home. Whenever I had a pr
Out of Tragedy Out of Tragedy Out of Tragedy Bonnie Carroll TAPS Created to Help Military Survivors Cope Almost 2000 service members make the ultimate sacrifice each year. Many die in sudden, violent, and often well-publicized events. And while conventional wisdom dictates that the newly bereaved not make any quick, dramatic, permanent decisions in the first year, the military survivor must face moving from base housing, and the men and women who lose a fellow servicemember must continue to fly, fight, and
Words Will Never Be Enough Words Will Never Be Enough Ava Henrickson, Surviving Mother of U.S. Army SSG Adam Henrickson First Sergeant Ryan Teter’s 20-year military career in the Colorado National Guard has been peppered with many memorable and commendable acts of service. For months at a time, he was called away from his family, serving in Korea, Iraq, Bahrain, and Afghanistan — not to mention the training and temporary duties in between. As a leader, he’s shaped the careers and attitudes of younger soldiers, while p
Honor to Serve Honor to Serve Honor to Serve \| TAPS Kristi Stolzenberg At Trinity Episcopal Church in The Woodlands, Texas, you’ll find a flag retirement box that stands to collect flags that have grown too worn and weathered to continue to fly. The box tells the story of a life lived in service to others and the lasting bond between a sister and her brother. Grace Kotalik, of Scouts BSA Troop 1777 — this box’s creator — explains the symbolism behind her design: “I selected several elements for the box de
International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day \| TAPS Carla Stumpf Patton Saturday, November 23, 2024, is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day (also referred to as ISOSLD or Survivor Day). As a national nonprofit founded in 1994, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), is a peer-based grief support organization serving all who are grieving the death of a service member or veteran. In 2008, the TAPS Suicide Prevention and Postventio
Healing Trauma in Military Survivors Healing Trauma in Military Survivors Healing Trauma in Military Survivors \| TAPS Carla Stumpf Patton June is PTSD Awareness month June is awareness month for PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder), making it critical to talk openly to create the understanding and encouragement needed to seek care and treatment. Trauma can be experienced in people of all ages and demographics, resulting from various life events such as: natural disasters, accidents, crime, war, medical or life-threateni
Hope for the Holidays: Practical Ideas for Healing Your Holiday Grief Hope for the Holidays: Practical Ideas for Healing Your Holiday Grief Practical Ideas for Healing Your Holiday Grief \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss, and emptiness. Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief—a feeling of loss unlike that experienced
Navigating Conversations around Grief and the Holidays Navigating Conversations around Grief and the Holidays Navigating Conversations around Grief and the Holidays \| TAPS Rachel Kodanaz Most conversations between two or more people are casual and engaged to exchange ideas, thoughts, or emotions. In most cases, discussions are straightforward and timely– based on current events, shared experiences, or future planning. However, navigating, and often tiptoeing, around conversations during the holiday season is essential to remain conscientious of t
Never Forgotten: teams4taps and NFL Salute to Service Never Forgotten: teams4taps and NFL Salute to Service Never Forgotten: teams4taps and NFL Salute to Service \| TAPS Jessica Harper In a year of unprecedented challenges and difficulties, teams4taps and the NFL’s Salute to Service program continued to shine a light on the power of sports to unite people and create hope. 2020 was a year like no other. So perhaps it’s not surprising that our 2020 NFL Salute to Service events were also like no other. From telepresence robots, zoom parties, and “h
PGA Tour Superstore Brings TAPS Families Together PGA Tour Superstore Brings TAPS Families Together PGA Tour Superstore Brings TAPS Families Together \| TAPS TAPS Survivors Share Past and Present Memories at Special Golf Experiences In honor of Military Appreciation Month, teams4taps and the PGA TOUR Superstore joined forces to create events for survivors to honor their military loved ones through their favorite sport— golf! Survivors attended a wide range of events all across the country, where they attended PGA tournaments, got fit for new
3 C’s for Holiday Grief 3 C’s for Holiday Grief 3 C’s for Holiday Grief \| TAPS Kenneth Doka For those who are grieving, the holidays can be unfamiliar terrain. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, this time is filled with fond remembrances of loved ones who are on your mind yet absent from your traditions and rituals. Acknowledging the difficulties of holidays after loss does not make a potentially difficult time any easier, but preparing for the holidays by tapping into helpful coping strategies ma
Atop a Tower of Grief, a Place to Breathe Atop a Tower of Grief, a Place to Breathe Atop a Tower of Grief, a Place to Breathe \| TAPS Sonia Rai In the last few weeks, people all over the world have watched as the life they once knew, piece by piece, was stripped away from them. People have woken up every day to a world filled more and more with shadows. People have woken up to see the ever expansive landscape of their life become limited. They’ve bit by bit had to let go of things that are outside of their control and retreat furt
Forest Bathing: Why Soaking In Nature Can Improve Your Health Forest Bathing: Why Soaking In Nature Can Improve Your Health Forest Bathing: Why Soaking In Nature Can Improve Your Health \| TAPS Emily Munoz Forest bathing. Yes. You read that right. Forest bathing. For an easy, self-paced mindfulness exercise, we invite you to try forest bathing. I first heard about this Japanese mindfulness practice from my mother, Anna. She was attending one of our TAPS Inner Warrior Wellness Weekends when we posed a question to the group: How do you find quiet time? W
Honor in Every Season Honor in Every Season Honor in Every Season \| TAPS Allison Gilbert Excerpt from “Passed and Present – Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive” It is possible to look forward, to live a rich and joyful life, while keeping the memory of loved ones alive. There is no reason why remembering should be limited to a particular season or date on the calendar. Packing away your feelings until the “right” time of year honors neither your feelings nor your relationship. Celebrating your loved one can ha
Make the Most of Time at Home: Share Your Loved One’s Story Make the Most of Time at Home: Share Your Loved One’s Story Make the Most of Time at Home: Share Your Loved One’s Story \| TAPS Kerry Ward As we navigate these uncertain times, I have found that there is a silver lining with spending more time in the house: it has forced me to focus on projects I hadn’t yet had time to tackle. As I cleaned out my hall closet, I found myself face-to-face with memories I hadn’t thought about in years. I called an old friend and told her about a specific photo th
Saturday Morning Message: When Sleep Is Hard to Find Saturday Morning Message: When Sleep Is Hard to Find When Sleep Is Hard to Find \| TAPS Saturday Morning Message Carol Lane Good Morning, In this week’s Saturday Morning Message, survivors share strategies which help them when they are unable to sleep. When trauma comes into our lives, it throws our normal patterns into a tailspin. We have all been working with not only our individual grief, but also the National upset when COVID-19 came into our lives. Recently, I was having trouble sleep
Saturday Morning Message: Volunteer in service to others Saturday Morning Message: Volunteer in service to others Saturday Morning Message: Volunteer in service to others \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, TAPS is one of many rewarding organizations where you can volunteer your time. The opening picture is from this year’s 25th Annual National Military Survivor Seminar showing the bright yellow shirts and welcoming smiles of two volunteers who attended and shared their time. One way to volunteer for TAPS is with the Peer Mentor Program. Charlene
Saturday Morning Message: Survivor Tips For Tough Times Saturday Morning Message: Survivor Tips For Tough Times Saturday Morning Message: Survivor Tips For Tough Times \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Compassion is the main ingredient in helping to get through tough times. The picture today shows two people just listening to each other. I have found friends from different parts of the country at a TAPS event with whom I continue to stay in contact. Last week I posted a link to finding an event close to you, but there might be something farther awa
Saturday Morning Message: Words of Comfort Saturday Morning Message: Words of Comfort Saturday Morning Message: Words of Comfort \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, One thing that many survivors think is helpful is a listening ear. That is where our TAPS family is so special. We are just waiting to hear about your loved one and offer you support when you most need it. There are so many ways TAPS can help you as you walk on this grief journey. This picture was taken at the Northeast Regional Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp in New Jer
Bereaved Military Families Come Together in New Jersey Bereaved Military Families Come Together in New Jersey Bereaved Military Families Come Together in New Jersey \| TAPS Victoria Leoni Maxine Gilson of Atlantic Highlands traveled to New Brunswick this weekend for a very special family reunion. Just 30 miles from where she and her husband, Paul, live in her home state of New Jersey, she reunited with a family that has supported her ever since the death of her Navy son more than nine years ago. That family is TAPS, the Tragedy Assistance Program
Camaraderie and Comfort Camaraderie and Comfort Camaraderie and Comfort \| TAPS TAPS In small towns and big cities, at a coffee shop in a quiet room—the comfort and camaraderie of your TAPS family is right around the corner and close to home. Whether you want to talk about your grief and gain insight into how others are coping, share a casual visit or participate in an activity where you can enjoy the sights and sounds of nature—the love and care of TAPS is present where you live, work and play. TAPS Togethers and
Saturday Morning Message: Fall Plans Saturday Morning Message: Fall Plans Saturday Morning Message: Fall Plans \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Last week we shared the article “Making Summer Memories” by surviving spouse Elizabeth Culp. In the article, she wrote, “Planning provides something positive to focus thoughts and energy on.” I’m sharing here a photo of a hydrangea bush, my favorite. One of the reasons I like it is that it provides a focus in my yard and it will keep its flowers into the winter. Then in the spring, I mu
Saturday Morning Message: Benefits of TAPS Seminars Saturday Morning Message: Benefits of TAPS Seminars Saturday Morning Message: Benefits of TAPS Seminars Carol Lane Good Morning, In this picture, you can see the smiles on these survivors' faces as they hug each other. For me, that is the best part of attending a TAPS Seminar. I spend a lot of time on the computer, but when I go to a TAPS Seminar, I get to meet other survivors in person. We can go to the workshops and events that are planned or just sit, have a cup of coffee and talk for as
Companioning the bereaved is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. Companioning the bereaved is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. Companioning the bereaved is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. Alan Wolfelt "Things come suitable to their time." - Enid Bagnold Many of the messages that people in grief are given are in opposition to stillness… "carry on;" "keep your chin up;" "keep busy;" "I have someone for you to meet." Yet, the paradox for many grievers is that as they try to frantically move forward, t
Kicking Off Our 21st Year - TAPS 2015 Winter in Review Kicking Off Our 21st Year - TAPS 2015 Winter in Review Kicking Off Our 21st Year - TAPS 2015 Winter in Review TAPS Happy March, America’s Family. We are thinking spring here as much as possible in D.C. after the latest ice storm. It has been a cold winter here, but there’s been so much to warm our hearts this past month as the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) geared up for our twenty-first year of caring for the families of America’s fallen heroes. Our staff has put toget
Love, Loss, and Legacy Love, Loss, and Legacy Don Lipstein Turning Loss into Legacy - TAPS News Don Lipstein For more information on becoming a peer mentor or requesting a peer mentor, visit the TAPS Peer Mentor Program page. In some ways March 15, 2011, seems like yesterday and in others it feels like an eternity ago. That was the day my life turned upside down. I was completely helpless as my oldest son Joshua, 250 miles away from me, hung the phone up before he took his own life. That moment in time is sea
National Bereavement Study: A Call to Action National Bereavement Study: A Call to Action National Bereavement Study: A Call to Action TAPS One of the recurring themes of grief is the feeling of isolation, the sensation that we are alone in the world and that no one understands what we are going through. At some point many of us find a way to “give sorrow words” as William Shakespeare wrote more than 400 years ago. We find our voice and want to be assured that someone is listening. The National Military Family Bereavement Study (NMFBS),
Saturday Morning Message: Helpful Strategies While Grieving Saturday Morning Message: Helpful Strategies While Grieving Saturday Morning Message: Helpful Strategies While Grieving Carol Lane Good Morning, Finding strategies that work while grieving can be exhausting. That is where TAPS can help. In addition to the message board, online Yahoo groups, peer mentors, and chats, there is a service from TAPS called the Community Resource Reports which are compiled and mailed to survivors about grief supports in their local areas. For more information about
Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden Surprise our TAPS Children at Camp Pendleton Camp Out Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden Surprise our TAPS Children at Camp Pendleton Camp Out Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden Surprise our TAPS Children at Camp Pendleton Camp Out TAPS Wow! What a week for our children who attended the TAPS/USO Good Grief Camp Out in Southern California sponsored in part by generous grants from Northrup Grumman! They were greeted to a surprise visit by the Vice President and Dr. Jill Biden. Each child had the opportunity to personally meet the Vice President and
TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign TAPS TAPS Supports the 'Got Your 6' Campaign, Works to Raise Awareness of Military Family Needs with Hollywood Connections As our nation pauses on the anniversary of D-Day to remember the service and sacrifice given by our veterans and their families, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) announces its participation in the recently launched “Got Your 6” campaign. The campaign is designed to mobilize
6th Annual TAPS Celebrity Classic 6th Annual TAPS Celebrity Classic 6th Annual TAPS Celebrity Classic Christine Burtt TAPS is grateful for the time and energy that the Cottrells and their team of volunteers put forth each year for the annual TAPS Celebrity Classic. We are humbled by their dedication and thankful for their support. The 6th Annual TAPS Celebrity Classic in Colorado, hosted by Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Brothers, exceeded expectations both in terms of the fun factor and by the $500,000 raised for the Trag
Living the Legacy: Picture the Fallen Living the Legacy: Picture the Fallen Living the Legacy ~ Picture the Fallen Jessica Dumont-Oatman It has recently occurred to me that we—all of us American citizens—are the legacy of our American soldiers. We owe them our lives—lives that must be lived to their fullest potential. And this is the greatest tribute we could possibly give. ~ Annette Bridges, freelance writer from Texas. A picture is worth a thousand words. That’s all I need to say when someone views the photo of my brother’
Run and Remember: 2011 Team Long Gray Line Run and Remember: 2011 Team Long Gray Line Run and Remember: 2011 Team Long Gray Line TAPS “Running for TAPS was a tremendously rewarding experience for me. The chance to honor Captain Doug DiCenzo and his surviving family was an incredible privilege and responsibility. I was so inspired by what I experienced being a part of TAPS that I knew after I crossed the finish line I would have to do everything I could to expand Team Long Gray Line for 2011.” ~ Taylor Mosera, West Point cadet and Team
The Emotional Journey through Grief The Emotional Journey through Grief The Emotional Journey through Grief Judy Tatelbaum When facing separation, loss, or death, we are invariably thrown into a turmoil of mixed and intense emotions. Some of these feelings may seem foreign or unexpected. Some are hard to bear. We may feel several different, sometimes conflicting, emotions all at once. We may expect to feel only sadness, but rarely is grief confined to a single emotion. Besides experiencing a mix of feelings like sadness, an
Tips for Self-Care Tips for Self-Care Tips for Self-Care Judy Tatelbaum Excerpted from: You Don’t Have to Suffer In the early months of grieving, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and socially. Here are some easy ways to incorporate self-care into these difficult days. Diet A healthy, well-balanced diet of proteins, vegetables, fruit, grains, and a minimum of fats and sugars is important. We can educate ourselves on what
Holiday Healing for the Body, Mind, and Spirit Holiday Healing for the Body, Mind, and Spirit Holiday Healing for the Body, Mind, and Spirit Mary Jane Hurley Brant The holidays have arrived. Normally they are a time for family fun and celebration but when you are grieving the loss of someone who has died, the season is different: it is painful. Grieving is a long process. It takes time to heal from the loss of a loved one. When we are grieving, we can feel completely overwhelmed with sadness, overwhelmed with missing the beloved person
Open Your Heart to Healing: Emotional Engagement in Your Own Life Open Your Heart to Healing: Emotional Engagement in Your Own Life Open Your Heart to Healing: Emotional Engagement in Your Own Life Emily Munoz Have a Walkabout While the term "walkabout" originates in Australian Aboriginal culture as a soul-searching rite of passage, it has found more general usage to describe movement intended to alleviate the feeling of being unsettled, restless, dissatisfied or bored. Having a walkabout means going outside, whether in wilderness, an urban jungle, or yo
TAPS Suicide Survivor Seminar TAPS Suicide Survivor Seminar TAPS Suicide Survivor Seminar TAPS A place of healing and support Reprinted with permission from TIME Magazine’s Battleland Blog. Rebecca Morrison is one of two widows TIME Magazine featured in its July cover story on the surge in Army suicides. My New Family Thursday morning I bounced out of bed early and yelled “Oh my gosh!” I never get up on time and certainly never bounce. But this morning I knew that I would be headed to California for the TAPS sem
Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Favorite Foods Saturday Morning Message: Sharing Favorite Foods Sharing Favorite Foods \| TAPS Saturday Morning Message Carol Lane Good Morning, When my son came home on leave, there were two things he liked to eat. One meal was pancakes at a local pancake place and the other was pizza also from a store in our hometown; so, I chose a picture of a cheesy pizza as the opening picture this week. When friends or loved ones gather, often there is a sharing of food. That seems to make it easier for many people
A Comforting Companion for the Journey A Comforting Companion for the Journey A Comforting Companion for the Journey \| TAPS Rachelle Ellis Sue Quackenbush TAPS Peer Mentor Program - Sharing Strength and Hope From Rachelle Ellis… Photo courtesy of Rachelle Ellis. I will never forget March 26, 2019. I received the news that my son, Jarrett, had passed away. Jarrett was such an amazing young man. He was loving, caring, funny, and compassionate. He had so much going for him and I just couldn't believe it. I was in shock.
Saturday Morning Message: How We Will Honor Memorial Day Saturday Morning Message: How We Will Honor Memorial Day How We Will Honor Memorial Day \| TAPS Saturday Morning Message Carol Lane Good morning, The springtime holidays from Mother’s Day to Father’s Day, with Memorial Day in between, can be stressful for many surviving adults and children. If there is a significant birth or angelversary date that occurs during this time, it can be even more emotional for the family. This year is particularly stressful with social distancing and the uncertain
Three Years Into The After Three Years Into The After Three Years Into The After \| TAPS Kelly Lennon Fitzpatrick It's three years into the ‘After’ and I am not sure who or what I am writing for, but I know that each year, threads of thoughts unravel and I try to spool them back together. The feelings are so fleeting and amorphous that it's hard to categorize the instances neatly. What sticks with me is the missing-ness of my little brother. We have spent a good deal of time mourning the loss of Sergeant Owen J. Lennon
Peer Mentors Bring TAPS Care Groups to More Local Communities Peer Mentors Bring TAPS Care Groups to More Local Communities Peer Mentors Bring TAPS Care Groups to More Local Communities \| TAPS TAPS Volunteer Peer Mentors and mental health professionals facilitated over 560 TAPS Care Groups in 2019, up from 280 groups the previous year. The dedication of these volunteers made it possible for survivors in more than 50 communities in 26 states to have the compassionate support of others who have lived through similar losses. TAPS Peer Mentors gave their t
Saturday Morning Message: Marking Special Days Saturday Morning Message: Marking Special Days Saturday Morning Message: Marking Special Days \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, As the November and December holidays come along, I thought I would share this article from the fall TAPS Magazine that made me think of the family we have become. In the article, "The Critical Importance of Seeking Support", the author, Alan Wolfelt, lists his observations of Canadian geese as they fly many miles to their winter destination. Then he relates his thoug
Making Dreams Come True Making Dreams Come True Making Dreams Come True \| TAPS Robert Worley II What’s your child’s dream job? Chef? Veterinarian? Teacher? With the right education, the potential opportunities are endless. But when a family member or loved one is lost, saving money for college can be difficult. The Department of Veterans Affairs knows how hard it can be for families who have experienced loss to pay for higher education. That’s why there are several VA assistance programs available to support spous
Marriage and Death - A Semper Fi Story Marriage and Death - A Semper Fi Story Marriage and Death - A Semper Fi Story Bob Bagosy The week of August 9th started out great with the marriage of my youngest son David to Janica in the Adirondack Mountains of New York. The day was perfect with blue skies, no rain and low temperatures. The wedding took place on Oak Mountain. A lift carried us to the top where sixty people welcomed the bride and groom. My Bagosy family attended and consisted of my wife Iris, myself, my daughters Stacy and
It Was Time It Was Time Tai Prohaska, Surviving Mother of Navy HM3 Nikolas Pono Kaniela Venuti Five years? Five weeks? Five decades? Grief warped my sense of time. My son, HM3 Nikolas Pono Kaniela Venuti, died Oct. 17, 2020. He was 26. Nothing, not even time, was the same anymore. Time was irrelevant, but dates packed their punches — his birthday, his first wedding anniversary, which he didn’t live to celebrate, and the day he died…the day he died. I felt like I was living on the Twilight Zone set.
The Weight of Traumatic Loss The Weight of Traumatic Loss The Weight of Traumatic Loss \| TAPS Charles Figley Editor's Note: The words on trauma that follow are written with the veteran — the battle buddy — in mind, but combat is not the only route to traumatic grief. As you consider the symptoms of direct and indirect trauma and the weight that is often distributed across many shoulders in the wake of a traumatic loss, I encourage you to reach out to the TAPS National Military Survivor Helpline at 800-959-TAPS (8277)
Grief is a Path Best Shared Grief is a Path Best Shared Grief is a Path Best Shared \| TAPS Perry Monroe We are all different in how our grief journeys unfold; and for me, my turning point came 13 years after the death of my son, U.S. Army Sergeant Christopher Taylor Monroe. For many years, I had held my emotions inside, with no one knowing of the losses I had suffered. Seeing how grief had affected those around me, I did my best to be the solid rock holding things together for everyone else. As a father, I w
The Word “Widow” Doesn’t Cut It The Word “Widow” Doesn’t Cut It The Word “Widow” Doesn’t Cut It \| TAPS Sonia Rai The other day, someone asked me whether I would consider myself a widow. I know that people need labels, but honestly, I haven’t thought much into what I would call myself. Things have been confusing recently. The number of times that question has come up has caused me to ask myself what John and I were. What was he to me and me to him? Was he my “boyfriend?” No… the word itself sounds so trivial. The word
Returning to Work: Routine Can Help the Healing Process Returning to Work: Routine Can Help the Healing Process Returning to Work: Routine Can Help the Healing Process \| TAPS Rachel Kodanaz Returning to work may be daunting to someone who has just suffered the death of a family member or close loved one. Mustering the courage to re-engage in normal daily activities feels so distant, yet it has been proven that returning to work, school or worship plays a significant role in well-being. When returning to work after my husband, Rod, suddenly passe
What It Means To Hold Space for Someone What It Means To Hold Space for Someone What It Means To Hold Space for Someone \| TAPS Heather Plett The Transformative Effect Of ‘Being There’ For Others Editor's Note: This article was orginally published on Heather's website on March 15, 2015. When my Mom was dying, my siblings and I gathered to be with her in her final days. None of us knew anything about supporting someone in their transition out of this life into the next, but we were pretty sure we wanted to keep her at home. S
A Second Chance and a Family Healed A Second Chance and a Family Healed A Second Chance and a Family Healed \| TAPS Perry Monroe In 2018, I visited the TAPS website and saw that registration for the Montana Men’s Retreat would be opening soon. I set the alarm on my phone and computer. If I did nothing else that year, I was going to do this. The second registration opened, I signed up. When I received confirmation, I was beyond excited. My excitement was a direct result of an encounter I had with Medal of Honor recipient Her
Saturday Morning Message: The Comfort of Pets Saturday Morning Message: The Comfort of Pets The Comfort of Pets \| TAPS Saturday Morning Message Carol Lane Good morning, The opening picture this week is of Dandelion, my daughter’s cat. She loves animals, but wasn’t able to have a cat when she lived at home, because I am allergic. So the minute she moved into her own place, this is the cat she chose from the shelter. This week more survivors shared stories and pictures of their beloved pets. For those of us who have pets, they offer mu
Waking Up to Gratitude Waking Up to Gratitude Waking Up to Gratitude \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt I’ve become a fan of sunrises. Before COVID-19 changed all of our lives, my busy travel and teaching schedule had me hopping. Most mornings after I woke up, I went straight to work. I had a love-hate relationship with the adrenaline of stress. I was a slave to emails, itineraries, deadlines, and flight schedules. Now I’m in limbo. With most of my presentations postponed or canceled, I’m home. I have time to linger over my morn
7 Ways to Help Grieving Children During the Holidays 7 Ways to Help Grieving Children During the Holidays 7 Ways to Help Grieving Children During the Holidays \| TAPS Heather Stang Grief during the holidays serves up a perfect storm where joyous memories crash against reality and expectations, something that is especially tough when it’s a child who’s grieving. I know this firsthand. On October 18, 1977, my uncle Doug died by suicide. I was 7 years old. While I don’t remember the specifics of the Thanksgiving and Christmas that followed, what I
Saturday Morning Message: The Compassion of TAPS Mentors Saturday Morning Message: The Compassion of TAPS Mentors Saturday Morning Message: The Compassion of TAPS Mentors \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Volunteers are important to TAPS. This week the focus is on the group called mentors. TAPS legacy and military mentors contribute by giving children support as they participate in TAPS programs. Peer mentors are survivors who are 18 months beyond their own loss and have been trained by peer professionals. They are ready to offer a hand to others,
The Critical Importance of Seeking Support The Critical Importance of Seeking Support The Critical Importance of Seeking Support \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Learning from the Geese If there is ever a time in life when we need others to support and nurture us, it’s when someone we love dies. In many ways, grief work is the most difficult work we will ever do. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Sharing the devastation that results from the death of someone precious won’t make the hurt go away, but it does make it more b
Saturday Morning Message: Books Help Our Grief Journey Saturday Morning Message: Books Help Our Grief Journey Saturday Morning Message: Books Help Our Grief Journey \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Reading can be very beneficial for those who are grieving. In today’s response section, readers shared their thoughts about how books have been helpful on their grief journey. The lead picture is from the book titled Healing Your Grieving Heart After a Military Death by Bonnie Carroll and Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Clicking on the title will take you to t
Grade Schoolers and Military Loss Grade Schoolers and Military Loss Grade Schoolers and Military Loss Gloria Horsley Military families know resilience. Moves from base to base and long deployments can weigh on the family unit. But, for grade schoolers, constantly leaving friends and starting new schools where they don’t know anyone is an additional pressure. On top of that, when a family member or loved one is lost in the military, there is an incredible amount of trauma. Maybe your child has to change schools after you’ve
Saturday Morning Message: Activities to Deal with Grief Saturday Morning Message: Activities to Deal with Grief Saturday Morning Message: Activities to Deal with Grief Carol Lane Good morning, Dealing with our loved ones not being here can be isolating and lonely. Activities can not only help your grief but also create a way to show others that it is all right to share memories of your loved one. Some survivors find something about which they are passionate and do that to honor their loved ones. Others find it difficult to decide what to do. I w
Saturday Morning Message: Finding Healing Through Volunteering Saturday Morning Message: Finding Healing Through Volunteering Saturday Morning Message: Finding Healing Through Volunteering Carol Lane Good morning, Volunteers are fundamental in any organization. TAPS uses volunteers in a variety of ways. At the seminars, there are those who come to TAPS to do any project needed to be done. Good Grief Camp mentors for TAPS children are active duty or veteran service members who volunteer their time. Then there are those survivors who are more than 18 mont
Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones TAPS Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Carol Lane Good Morning, The picture this week is the card that Carmen, mother of Charles wrote about later in the message. I thought it was so special that it deserved to be the first thing people saw when they opened this week’s Saturday Morning Message. Survivors shared the many different ways they they honor their loved ones. I thought I would add mine as well. This Saturday Morning M
Saturday Morning Message: Introducing Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Introducing Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Introducing Our Loved Ones Carol Lane Good morning, At every seminar, there is a wall to place pictures of our loved ones, so we can all view them. Now on the new TAPS website, there is a place called the Memorial Hero Wall. When you enter this section, you will not only see pictures of those special people, but you can add a picture of your loved one to the page. This was the inspiration for today’s Saturday Morn
Saturday Morning Message: Peer Mentor Reflections Saturday Morning Message: Peer Mentor Reflections Saturday Morning Message: Peer Mentor Reflections Carol Lane Good Morning, The TAPS Peer Mentor program is a gift for both the mentors and the survivors who become connected. At the beginning of my grief journey, TAPS was smaller and there were many who reached out to act as mentors when I called. The picture today is of my good friend, Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., CHT, CT, GMS, and me at a TAPS National Seminar, where she spoke to everyone who was
Saturday Morning Message: Stress Reduction Strategies Saturday Morning Message: Stress Reduction Strategies Saturday Morning Message: Stress Reduction Strategies Carol Lane Good morning, The picture this week is from a TAPS seminar. I was inspired to use it by the suggestions given by several survivors this week. I had not thought about cooking as a way to manage stress, but you will read more in the Answers from Survivors section. TAPS is constantly working on events and programs to help survivors on their journey. As you read this, think a
Saturday Morning Message: Taking Care Of Ourselves Saturday Morning Message: Taking Care Of Ourselves Saturday Morning Message: Taking Care Of Ourselves Carol Lane Good morning, The picture today is of a rose poinsettia that is sitting on my dining room table. I wanted to share it with you as this is one way I take some time just to enjoy what I like. I wander through our local garden center and look at all the beautiful flowers. Many of you know I live in the northern part of our country, so the winter can be very drab without color. Every
Saturday Morning Message: Thoughts on a New Year Saturday Morning Message: Thoughts on a New Year Carol Lane Good Morning, It is a new year and for many people that means making resolutions that involve revising our present pattern of behavior or adding something to it. Before changing things, we need to ask if our lives will benefit from changing our behavior or continuing in the same way. When I ask myself questions like that, I find it most helpful to read or ask what others think to get some new ideas. The latest TAPS Magazine include
Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them Alan Wolfelt “Allow stories to be told without slipping into interpretations, analysis, and conclusions.” — Thomas Moore When I attended graduate school in traditional psychology, I learned semantics such as assess, diagnose and treat. In large part, I was taught to study a body of knowledge surrounding mental health, assume expert status as a p
Saturday Morning Message: Grief Meltdowns Saturday Morning Message: Grief Meltdowns Saturday Morning Message: Grief Meltdowns Carol Lane Good Morning, Grief episodes or meltdowns are times that are hard to control. Sometimes they arrive when you are at places or at times when you don't expect them. Sarah, spouse of David wrote: "I was walking my dog this morning and thinking about a recent grief episode I had. It was at my son's college vet affairs office of all places! It got me to thinking about the many places where these bouts o
Team TAPS: Battle Buddies Team TAPS: Battle Buddies Team TAPS: Battle Buddies TAPS TAPS provides support for anyone affected by the death of a service member, and that includes the battle buddies who trained and served with our loved ones. Not only are these service members TAPS survivors themselves, but many of them become runners and fundraisers on the Run and Remember Team as well. Sometimes they meet the family of their close friend who died. Often they are able to share stories of the one who died. Always they we
The Financial Aftermath of Military Loss The Financial Aftermath of Military Loss The Financial Aftermath of Military Loss TAPS Helping Families Build a "New Normal" After Carole Hilton’s Navy husband died suddenly, the widowed mother of three had to make a number of financial decisions immediately, while she was preparing to bury her husband. As she details in a recent podcast, she worried she might make a mistake that would hurt her family’s future and jeopardize their financial security. While the military provided a death gra
Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones Saturday Morning Message: Honoring Our Loved Ones \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, This week survivors wrote a variety of ways they honor their loved ones. This picture seems to exemplify this. It shows a TAPS parachute with the Army veteran jumper holding the American flag. In this way TAPS honors those who have passed while serving our country. I am going to keep my comments short so you can get to all the wonderful responses that came in th
Saturday Morning Message: Summer Memories Saturday Morning Message: Summer Memories Saturday Morning Message: Summer Memories \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, The replies sent in response to the question about summer memories this week were wonderful. When I read them, I got a picture in my mind of the places described. One survivor, Debby RM, spouse of Tom, sent a picture of Lake Tahoe to go along with one of her memories. I thought it would make a good opening for this week’s message. Debby wrote, “Lake Tahoe is where Tom and I we
Saturday Morning Message: Paying Respects Saturday Morning Message: Paying Respects Saturday Morning Message: Paying Respects \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, While reading the latest TAPS magazine, I came across an article titled “The Love Languages of Grief” written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. In it, he lists the five primary ways from Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” that help us feel loved. When a friend has a loved one die, this article can help us know what to do to make him or her feel our care. The responses this
Saturday Morning Message: New Traditions Saturday Morning Message: New Traditions Saturday Morning Message: New Traditions Carol Lane Good Morning, The picture this morning is of an arrangement made by my sister-in-law to celebrate the season. I light it every night during the holidays to honor the life of my son, Bryon. When a loved one dies, it can be hard to face the upcoming time and keep the same traditions. To simplify your life, think about the customs you would like to keep and ones you could let go just for this year. You
My Experience of Trauma My Experience of Trauma My Experience of Trauma Lisa Hudson Excerpted from How Do We Tell the Children by Dan Schaeffer When I went to bed on the night of October 22, 1983, my life was stable, predictable, safe, and happy. Within twenty-four hours, my world toppled, shattering into a million pieces. On October 23, the Marine Corps barracks where my husband lived was bombed, killing 241 service members as they slept. I felt terror, fear, panic, anxiety, worry, and confusion. I couldn't sle
Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Prepare Yourself for the Holidays Bonnie Carroll Alan Wolfelt Because the person who died is no longer there to share the holidays with you, you may feel particularly sad and vulnerable during Christmas, Hanukkah and other holidays that are special to your family. Don't overextend yourself during the holidays. Don't feel you have to shop, bake, entertain, send cards, etc. if you're not up for it. Sometimes old holiday rituals are comforting after a death a
Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Understanding A Widow’s Heart, New Directions Emma Wright March 9, 2013 Two and a half years ago today marks the darkest day I've ever known. The day when I was awakened by two dark silhouettes that I could see through the decorative glass panel of my front door. I could have been dreaming. Given the fact that the sun had not risen, that was my immediate assumption. But the silhouettes became much more real as I opened the door, confused and very
Waiting to Exhale . . . Waiting to Exhale . . . Waiting to Exhale . . . Amy Dozier January 9, 2008: The knock . . . the shock . . . They came around 8:30 on a Wednesday night. I had just put Emma in her crib and sat down to watch TV. There were three of them and I thought they were there to kill us. Why else would these official-looking men be at my house so late at night during an active war time? I didn't believe them when they "regretted" to inform me. I wouldn't even let them in my house. I remember shaking a
Moments…Just Moments Moments…Just Moments Moments…Just Moments Darcie Sims Have you ever had a moment? You know, a moment when time stood still and everything was as it should be—right and good and whole and wonderful. A moment when you were in the right place at the right time and life was good. Did you ever have a moment like that? Did you ever have a moment when the sun danced across the windowpane and made a rainbow through the glass? Or the breeze caught the fragrance of roses and sent it drifting past
Proactive Grieving Proactive Grieving Proactive Grieving Mitch Carmody And how we climb the S.T.A.I.R.S to get there When my father died in 1969, I was only 15 years old. My mom told me that I was the man of the family now and that I needed to take care of the farm and my sisters. I did just that. I did not grieve, I did not cry, I did not publicly mourn. I hid my sorrow as if it were some awful secret I was ashamed of. I moved on. When my brother died five years later, nothing much had changed. My brother
Struggling To Reclaim My Faith Struggling To Reclaim My Faith Struggling To Reclaim My Faith Dennis Apple My nightmare began on Wednesday, February 6, 1991, at 8:20 a.m. Denny, our eighteen- year-old son had been diagnosed with mononucleosis two days prior, and the doctor had sent us home with medications and orders to rest. However, something awful happened during the night, and the following morning I discovered he had died in his sleep. There is nothing I know of that compares to the horror and shock that comes to the h
Beyond the Sea Beyond the Sea Beyond the Sea Cindy Hooks Morrison Scaling Grief Mountain I have filled the ocean deep with tears and scaled a rugged mountain of grief, yelling and wrestling with my faith the whole way. With an aching heart and a broken soul, I climbed and I cried. I crawled and I yelled. I fell. Armed only with the strength of love left behind, I stood up, dusted off, and climbed again. When I got to the top, I saw that the world was waiting for me to emerge on the other side. I let a sile
Handling the Holidays Handling the Holidays Handling the Holidays Darcie Sims The holidays are coming and I’m not ready. Everything seems to sparkle and there is always so much to do! It is a festive time, filled with joyous occasions and family gatherings. But when your family circle has been broken by death, holidays and special days may only serve to remind you of the empty space at the table, the hole in your heart. I am not sure if I will ever again be ready for the holidays. The world has simply gone mad
The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 The Spiritual Path to Healing, Part 1 Alan Wolfelt Editor’s Note: The death of a loved one challenges us in many areas including our religious and spiritual beliefs. While spirituality and religious tradition help many who are grieving, TAPS does not endorse any one spiritual belief or religion over another. After the death of someone loved, you are “torn apart” and have some very unique needs. Among these needs is to nurture yourself in five importa
Widow Shares Marine’s Story Widow Shares Marine’s Story Widow Shares Marine’s Story Kim Ruocco Widow Shares Marine’s Story to Save Others From Suicide, Helps Families Left Behind Kim Ruocco regularly relives her darkest days – her husband’s suicide and the downward spiral that led to it – to save other military families from the same heartbreak. Speaking to standing-room-only audiences at the Natick Soldier Systems Center, Ruocco described the chain of events that led to Marine Corps Maj. John Ruocco’s death in Februa
The Journey through Grief The Journey through Grief The Journey through Grief Alan Wolfelt The Mourner’s Six Reconciliation Needs The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from "before" to "after" is almost always a long, painful journey. I have learned that if we are to heal, we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center. I have also learned that the journey
What Cody Taught Me What Cody Taught Me What Cody Taught Me Michael Lewis "To live in the hearts of those you leave behind is never to die." ~ Robert Orr Every day, when I get to work and flip the switch on my computer, I come face to face with the image of Private First Class Cody Grater, posing under the famous Hands of Victory crossed swords monument in Baghdad. He’s replete in full army gear, holding his rifle, finger poised on the trigger. Cody died on July 29, 2007 when his guard position was struck by a
Snowflakes Snowflakes Snowflakes Darcie Sims Surviving the Winter Season Have you ever stood outside with your head tilted back and your mouth open wide trying to catch a snowflake? Snowflakes fall everywhere: on your hair, your chin, your eyelashes, even your nose. And some even manage to land on the very tip of your tongue only to vanish before you can really get a taste. Each snowflake is a completely different design and pattern. No two are ever created exactly the same. It is a mystery that co
Understanding the Anger of Grief Understanding the Anger of Grief Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. * TAPS Advisory Board “Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water — anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow… Be human.” ― C. JoyBell C.  If you’re feeling angry after the death of someone loved, I want to assure you that all your emotions are normal — even unpleasant and sometimes scary feelings, l
A Stillness Among the Trees A Stillness Among the Trees A Stillness Among the Trees Abi Ruth Martin Heading to Bainbridge Island, Washington, for my first TAPS Empowerment Week of Renewal, I was nervous and apprehensive. Usually, I am surrounded by friends and family when reflecting on my brother’s death and its impact on me. But this week, I would be sharing and talking about this intimate part of my life with people I had never met before. Breathing in the salty sea air, I was reminded of Jack’s life in the Seatt
How Proud You Were to Fight for Freedoms in This Land How Proud You Were to Fight for Freedoms in This Land How Proud You Were to Fight for Freedoms in This Land Linda Ambard As I ran yesterday morning, a song I often affiliated with my Phil began to waft through my head phones. “I could see it in your eyes how proud you were to fight for freedom in our land.” Phil never took for granted the freedoms afforded to him by the citizenship he received to our country a week shy of his 18th birthday. He felt civic duty to serve and to vote. While he wa
Saturday Morning Message: Handling the Holidays Saturday Morning Message: Handling the Holidays Saturday Morning Message: Handling the Holidays Carol Lane Good Morning, The flickering light of candles in a darkened room always has a calming effect on me. I appreciate the soothing nature of their gentle glow during the shorter days of the holiday season. Listening to peaceful music can also be helpful. This week’s song sent in by Merry, mother of Wesley, will be perfect for those times when my mind is jumping from one thing to another, whi
Saturday Morning Message: Songs of the Heart Saturday Morning Message: Songs of the Heart Saturday Morning Message: Songs of the Heart Carol Lane Good Morning, Songs are one artistic form that can become special for survivors. This week, members of our TAPS family shared songs that are meaningful to them. I hope you enjoy the responses Do you have a song close to your heart? Share with us here and also visit TAPS Facebook. This message will appear there and you can add your comment and a special song. The question for next week is
The Second Year The Second Year The Second Year Janet Crane Facing the Reality The second anniversary date of my son's death was April 26, 2014. Another Gold Star Mother had told me the second year was worse than the first, and I didn't believe it. But it was true in many ways. Jason is buried several hours away from us, so we had made a special trip on the first anniversary of his death. I had known for several months that we would be going to his grave, and the stress and tension built each month i
Sibling Revelry Sibling Revelry Sibling Revelry Michele Hiester Marcum Co-conspirators. Confidants. Comrades. Alternately friend and foe. Two apples from the very same tree. Two peas tucked in a single pod. That was us, my brother and me… Here’s where I’d like to elaborate on our quiet, idyllic childhood, leisurely painting the words in feathery pastel strokes with a gentle hand. But I can’t. Life at the Hiester house was vibrant and hectic and boisterous and always, always full. Neighborhood kids flocked
Grief Is. Grief Is. Grief Is. \| TAPS Augusto Cespedes Grief is a memory— a deep thought you once tucked away and wished a hundred, million times was a fleeting moment. Valentine’s Day, 2007, early evening, Haqlaniyah, Iraq — Danny Morris was the last one of my three best friends I had to say goodbye to. Grief is a nightmare — vivid, living, beating, haunting, but part of you doesn’t want to wake up. Confused and broken, I replayed his death over and over in my head, exhaustingly dissect
Our Hearts Are With You — TAPS Natural Disaster Response Our Hearts Are With You — TAPS Natural Disaster Response Our Hearts Are With You — TAPS Natural Disaster Response TAPS This article was first published on the TAPS website on September 16, 2020 and has been updated periodically for the latest information regarding personal insurance and FEMA guidance after experiencing a natural disaster. ARE YOU READY? COMMUNICATION IS KEY PREPARE FOR DISASTER BUILD A KIT REPORT, RECOVER AND REBUILD LOOK FOR THE HELPERS FEDERAL RESOURCES TO PREPARE
Saturday Morning Message: What has someone done for you to ease your grief that you'll never forget? Saturday Morning Message: What has someone done for you to ease your grief that you'll never forget? Saturday Morning Message: What has someone done for you to ease your grief that you'll never forget? \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, Supporting families who have experienced the loss of a loved one can be very important as we all know. This week survivors have written about the meaningful gifts others gave them in their grief. TAPS gives survivors many gifts, and this week the Saturday Morn
Saturday Morning Message: Favorite Hometown Places Saturday Morning Message: Favorite Hometown Places Saturday Morning Message: Favorite Hometown Places \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, There are many wonderful places to visit in our country. TAPS helps us see some of those places when we think about going to the various retreats, seminars, and other experiences with a group of survivors. To find out more, go to the events section of the TAPS website. This week the responders proudly wrote about the great locations in their hometowns that pe
Saturday Morning Message: Responding to Comments Saturday Morning Message: Responding to Comments Saturday Morning Message: Responding to Comments \| TAPS Carol Lane Good morning, This week there were a variety of comments about how others celebrate the lives of their loved ones on special days. They also offered strategies about coping with family members and friends who may have a different way of grieving or have opinions that hurt you deeply. I found an article from the TAPS website titled Beyond the Burst of Support written by TAPS Sui
Saturday Morning Message: When Grief Awakes You Saturday Morning Message: When Grief Awakes You Saturday Morning Message: When Grief Awakes You Carol Lane Good Morning, Sleep can be difficult for many survivors after the death of a loved one. Sharing ideas among survivors may be helpful. When we are grieving, it is hard to come up with new ideas, so today we will look at a variety of thoughts survivors have sent. Caryn, mother of Nathan, wrote, "When grief wakes me, it's usually because of a realistic-type dream. I usually can't retur
Saturday Morning Message: Living Life to Fullest Saturday Morning Message: Living Life to Fullest Saturday Morning Message: Living Life to Fullest Carol Lane Good Morning, As you read answers from survivors, living life after the loss of a loved one is not easy, but we all take up the challenge in different ways. The picture today comes from the recent TAPS Magazine article by Linda Ambard, spouse of Air Force Maj. Philip Ambard , titled "The Journey of Hope Never Ends." In this article, Linda talks about looking at things that she wanted
Saturday Morning Message: Pet Comfort Saturday Morning Message: Pet Comfort Military Survivors Find Comfort in Pets - TAPS News Carol Lane Good Morning, The opening picture was sent by Donna, mother of Eric. It is a picture of one of her Yorkies, Gator, who is nuzzling her best friend's puppy. Later in the Saturday Morning Message, there's a photo of Sunny Bunny next to Donna's response to this week's question about the comfort pets bring a grieving person. Sharing your space with a pet can be very rewarding. Just having th
A Recipe for Holiday Wellness A Recipe for Holiday Wellness A Recipe for Holiday Wellness Nancy Heinrich Holiday traditions are part of a family’s collective memory. What was your favorite holiday tradition growing up? Was it making and decorating cookies with your mother? Singing carols with neighbors? Decorating the house? Holiday traditions are part of a family's collective memory. Traditions define families and communities. Children depend on them like they do the security of their favorite blanket. Traditions gro
Run and Remember: A Special Connection Run and Remember: A Special Connection Run and Remember: A Special Connection Bob Derga Lisa Arnold Each year the TAPS Run and Remember Team pairs willing runners with families of the fallen whose loved ones will be commemorated by the run. As our largest running event of the year, the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) in October fields the most runners and therefore makes the most connections between families and runners. Last year Lisa Arnold, a mother of five young boys, ran the MCM in h
A Visit to Arlington A Visit to Arlington A Visit to Arlington \| TAPS Pamela Henne Walking Among the Familiar My letter began, You don’t know me, but you knew my father when you both served in Europe during World War II. My mother has told me how she hears from you at Christmastime and you always speak fondly of Dad and your days together as soldiers. My father was a great man; gracious, patient and most importantly a hero. Of course he never saw himself this way, but I certainly did. He taught me by his action
Responding to Teen Grief Responding to Teen Grief Responding to Teen Grief Linda Goldman Teen years can be turbulent ones under the best of circumstances, and the addition of the death of a parent, friend, sibling, or peer can be unsettling even for the most well adjusted adolescent. Common grief symptoms, such as intense mood swings, can become very frightening and unpredictable. Kevin was enraged when he heard the doctor say calmly that his friend Tony was dead. "Why couldn’t you save him?" he screamed, as he pound
Traumatic Grief Traumatic Grief Traumatic Grief Jill Harrington-LaMorie Are you at risk for post traumatic stress? Imagine driving down the street and crossing an intersection. You glance quickly left and right, but out of nowhere you are hit by an oncoming vehicle. The impact is painful, crushing, debilitating. It takes your breath away and spirals you out of control for what seems like an eternity. Spinning, spinning, spinning, you finally come to a stop and have the sudden realization that you have surv
Run and Remember: Finding Our Stride Run and Remember: Finding Our Stride Run and Remember: Finding Our Stride Marie Campbell How the Marine Corps Marathon became a fundraiser for TAPS On June 25, 1996, at three o’clock in the morning, my life changed forever when three Air Force officials knocked on my door to tell me that my husband and best friend, Dee “Soup” Campbell, was one of nineteen Airmen who did not survive a terrorist attack at the Khobar Towers Military Housing Complex in Saudi Arabia. I couldn’t comprehend this, s
20 Years of TEAM TAPS 20 Years of TEAM TAPS 20 Years of TEAM TAPS \| TAPS TAPS Conquering the Distance – Honoring our Heroes This could be a simple story of individuals who love to run, lacing up their sneakers and pounding the pavement in pursuit of a personal best time, wanting another finisher’s medal to add to their collection or channeling their energy into physical activity. This could be a simple story. Yet this twenty-year journey is a story filled with passion, determination, reverence, love and a happ
Yoga was my survival raft 'Yoga was my survival raft' Yoga was my survival raft \| TAPS Rayanne Hunter For many years now my family’s Memorial Day Weekends have looked quite different from the collective norm. Every year we look forward to gathering in Washington, D.C. for the TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar with a new family I never expected to be a part of—our Gold Star Family. These fellow surviving families are learning to thrive under a new normal without their military loved one. My husband, Staff Sgt. We
Saturday Morning Message: Mother's Day Activities Saturday Morning Message: Mother's Day Activities Saturday Morning Message: Mother's Day Activities \| TAPS Carol Lane Good Morning, Sometimes watching the sun go up or go down can be the most relaxing thing we can do to take care of ourselves. This week several survivors shared what they did on Mother’s Day to honor themselves and those who served as mothers as they grew up. Now we just turn around and it will be Memorial Day very soon. Since this might be a stressful month, I thought I woul
Saturday Morning Message: A Change of Purpose After Loved One's Death Saturday Morning Message: A Change of Purpose After Loved One's Death Saturday Morning Message: A Change of Purpose After Loved One's Death Carol Lane Good Morning, Our life is forever changed after the death of a loved one. This week's question was about doing things that honor our loved ones as our purpose in life changes. Jeanne, mother of Todd, sent this link to the "Open to Hope" radio show in which she was interviewed. Jeanne is an artist who has created many paintings including one s
Saturday Morning Message: Marking Days of Remembrance Saturday Morning Message: Marking Days of Remembrance Saturday Morning Message: Marking Days of Remembrance Carol Lane Good Morning, There were many responses to the question about what survivors do on special days like birthdays and angelversaries. By sharing what we do, we're able to give ideas to other survivors - and that is why the Saturday Morning Message was created. Caryn, mother of Nathan and spouse of Micheal, sent this picture of the dream catcher she will add to her son's collec
Saturday Morning Message: Changing Anger to Pride Saturday Morning Message: Changing Anger to Pride Saturday Morning Message: Changing Anger to Pride Carol Lane Good Morning, Last week's question asked how to turn the anger that comes with grief into more of a focus on the pride for our loved one's service. This is a tricky question as it asks us to focus on ourselves, and that is something many of us are not taught to do. First, we must find strategies to help reduce the anger. This is where looking in the TAPS Magazine archives can be hel
Saturday Morning Message: Holiday Adjustments Saturday Morning Message: Holiday Adjustments Saturday Morning Message: Holiday Adjustments Carol Lane Good Morning, The holiday season officially starts with Halloween, so today's picture is from my yard with the leaves turning color. Many people have a hard time with the holidays that occur in December. Today survivors shared what they have done to help them go through this season. In addition, you might want to read an article written by Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D, CHT, CT, GMS in a past TAPS m
Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Activities Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Activities Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Activities Carol Lane Good Morning, This picture is the American flag next to a banner designed by Anne, mother of Michael, which is placed in a mall near her home to remind people of Memorial Day's meaning. You will read her comments later. Most of the TAPS staff, including me, will be attending the 22nd Annual TAPS National Military Seminar and Good Grief Camp on May 26 - May 30. If you are joining
Saturday Morning Message: Move or Stay Saturday Morning Message: Move or Stay Saturday Morning Message: Move or Stay Carol Lane Good Morning, The picture today comes from Allicia, daughter of Burr, who sent it for use in the Saturday Morning Message. It seemed like a good photo to share as it shows a road and some beautiful mountains in Utah. Whether you have decided to stay in your home or move, driving down a road and looking at the scenery can be a relaxing thing to do. This week, there were many replies to the question from
Something Borrowed, Something Blue Something Borrowed, Something Blue Something Borrowed, Something Blue \| TAPS Kat Stanley Ester Allgower A wedding is a bittersweet event when the bride and her family are still grieving the loss of one person whose presence at the wedding is critical. As my family prepared for my nuptials to my boyfriend of six years, we were missing one important person, my brother and only sibling, Corporal Richard Allgower, USMC. I was so devastated at the loss of my brother that I often wondered if I would
Run and Remember: Marine Corps Marathon Forward Run and Remember: Marine Corps Marathon Forward Run and Remember: Marine Corps Marathon Forward Dustin Kazmar Mission Complete for TAPS! Editor’s Note: On October 26, 2008, more than 6,000 miles away from Washington DC, the site of the annual Marine Corps Marathon, hundreds of service members ran in the sands of Iraq to honor our Fallen Heroes. This is one Marine’s amazing report. Race day! I wake up at 0400 and jump in the shower to start my morning. While I am shaving I hear what sounds
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Three \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is part three of a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Part one and part two appeared in the summer and fall issues of TAPS Magazine. Acknowledging the Illusion of Control Death naturally throws thoughts, feelings, and behaviors into disarray. Nothing may feel “normal” right now.
27 Memories for 27 Years That Linger Bringing Joy to my Life 27 Memories for 27 Years That Linger Bringing Joy to my Life 27 Memories for 27 Years That Linger Bringing Joy to my Life Linda Ambard Eloping to Reno, NV on November 27, 1988, three days after Thanksgiving. Phil was upset Thanksgiving because of how my father was treating me (I was the first person EVER to get divorced in our family—total ostracization.) Phil didn’t care how people treated him, but it bothered him if people messed with me. As we drove back to Mountain Home Air Force Base
Supporting Grieving Military Children: What We All Need To Know Supporting Grieving Military Children: What We All Need To Know Supporting Grieving Military Children: What We All Need To Know Bonnie Carroll November 15 is National Children's Grief Awareness Day. At the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), we provide comfort and care to anyone grieving the death of a loved one every day, but we take today to recognize the special challenges that military children face after losing a parent, and the strengths they carry that can help them cope
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six You’re Not Crazy — You’re Grieving — Part Six \| TAPS Alan Wolfelt Editor's Note This is the final article in a six-part series adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book, You're Not Crazy — You're Grieving. Parts one through five were published in the summer 2023, fall 2023, spring 2024, summer 2024 and fall 2024 issues of TAPS Magazine. In the early days after the death of someone you love dearly, it’s normal for this step to
Pets and Grief: Can Our Animals Help Us Heal After Loss? Pets and Grief: Can Our Animals Help Us Heal After Loss? Pets and Grief: Can Our Animals Help Us Heal After Loss? \| TAPS Stephanie Frogge When the TAPS Helpline staff has a chance to connect every few days, we share information and updates, and we check in with each other — how are you, how is the week going, how is your family? And we know that family most definitely includes Niki’s 40-pound bulldog mutt who thinks she’s a lap dog, Maggie; my own Luna Cat, who is only sociable when I’m on Zo
Why I'm Here Why I'm Here Why I'm Here \| TAPS Emily Henkel “I will get through this. I can do hard things. These hard things will make me better and stronger. Please let me fulfill the rest of my life on this Earth. Please let me use this for good. Please send me a blessing — any blessing — and I pray so hard that soon my rescue will come.” — Personal journal entry, April 7, 2021, from a cliffside in Death Valley National Park Life has exposed itself to me in its purest and most naked form — reve
Saturday Morning Message: Pet Support for Survivors Saturday Morning Message: Pet Support for Survivors Saturday Morning Message: Pet Support for Survivors Carol Lane Good Morning, This week survivors sent their heartwarming responses about how pets have helped them on their individual grief journeys. Many sent pictures of their house pets, so I thought you might find it interesting to see a picture of outside pets sent by Susan, spouse of Charles, at the beginning of today’s message. I will keep my remarks short this week as there were so ma
Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Events Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Events Saturday Morning Message: Memorial Day Events Carol Lane Good morning, I wanted to share one of my favorite areas at the 23rd Annual TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp, which was where I was for Memorial Day weekend. This is a picture of the TAPS Family Tree. Survivors were encouraged to take a paper leaf and write a message to their loved one. There was a sticky back to the leaf, and the survivors could place it next to
Money Matters Money Matters Money Matters Terri Starliper Dealing with Death, Dollars, & Sense On August 5, 2000, I married USAF Technical Sergeant Christopher Sheaffer. We had been together for almost 3 years. Chris was a Freefall Instructor at the Yuma Proving Grounds in Arizona. I was an accountant in Phoenix. Chris had two daughters from a previous marriage. We had bought a fixer-upper house in Phoenix with land where we could keep our horses. I had been recently promoted. We were set. Life was pict