Growing Up TAPS: Debunking Myths About Children and Grief

While tending to our own grief, our children's emotional needs may go unmet simply because we don't have the energy, resources, or understanding to help them. We tell ourselves that children are resilient, but in reality, children need just as much compassion and support as adults when adapting to dramatic or traumatic life changes.

As we cope with our own sense of loss, it can be difficult to respond to our children’s needs and questions. So, we perpetuate the conspiracy of silence, thinking that children don’t understand loss or death. Let’s take a look at that concept and some of the other myths surrounding children and grief.

Children don’t understand death, so they don’t grieve.

Even very young children respond to changes in their environment, and a death in the family certainly brings changes. Routine disruptions and the increased volume and activity in a grieving household affect our children. They may not understand why these changes are occurring, but they will notice and respond accordingly. Children do grieve, just not like adults.

Children don’t hurt as much because they understand less.

The opposite may be true. Reality can feel scarier and more overwhelming when our children lack information and experience. Giving our children age-appropriate information, teaching them skills to identify their emotions, and modeling ways to express them will better equip them to cope with death and grief. Size has nothing to do with the hurt in their hearts. 

Infants and toddlers are too young to grieve.

If a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve. Increased demands for attention, schedule disruptions, regression to previously suspended self-comforting measures (thumb sucking, rocking, drinking from a bottle, etc.) are all signs of an infant or toddler’s expressions of grief. Children don’t need to know the why to experience the emotions of grief. 

Children are resilient; they bounce back.

Yes, children are flexible, but they aren’t rubber balls that simply bounce back from difficult experiences. Your children may grieve in short bursts of emotion — the younger the child, the quicker a grief moment may pass — but don’t assume your child isn’t grieving just because they’re playing or laughing. Like adults, they need compassionate understanding and support through their grief, too.

Children don’t notice our grief.

Children are like sponges, absorbing everything around them. Nothing gets by them! Our grief impacts them, but not always negatively. When we express our grief in healthy, effective ways, our children are watching and learning our grieving styles. Combined with communication and patient teaching, they learn to embrace their emotions and express them in healthy ways.

Talking about the deceased reopens grief wounds.

Expressing grief and staying connected to the deceased actually helps with the integration of the loss and changing relationship. Hiding pictures and never speaking about the deceased are more likely to keep the wounds of grief open. Share memories and photos with your children, and encourage them to do the same!

We should shield children from pain of grief.

Grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith. It’s the price you pay for love, and when someone we love dies, it hurts. Of course, we want to protect our children from that pain, but completely shielding them from it robs them of the chance to embrace their emotions and grow through the hurt. 

Busy children cope more easily with grief.

Children know what is happening around them, and they will think about the death and question it, whether or not they’re busy. Rather than using distractions as a temporary fix, keep the lines of communication open so they can ask questions, and you can help your children process this death and their grief.

Childhood bereavement leads to maladjusted adulthood.

Experiencing bereavement as a child is difficult, but it doesn’t necessarily translate to a doomed adulthood. Supporting our children and teaching them effective coping methods sets them up to adapt and move forward through their lives, rather than facing delayed grief reactions and destructive behaviors in adulthood.

A Final Thought

When you talk to your children about death, remember that they think in concrete terms — young children especially. It is far better to say “died” than to have to explain that “losing” a loved one isn’t like losing a toy. The more you try to untwist the explanation, the more twisted it becomes. And, if you think about it, “died” is a difficult word to use, but “lost” is a hopeless one.

Healing after a death is hard. It takes courage in all shapes and sizes to mourn fully while living day to day. Congratulate yourself on welcoming this courage as you care for your children and yourself, and remember that TAPS Youth Programs offers support for grieving children, teens, and their parents or guardians each step of the way.

This article is adapted from Myths About Children and Grief, originally published in the summer 2013 issue of TAPS Magazine.

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