What Your Kids Want You to Know

After a life-altering loss, we — as parents and caregivers — want to know how to support our children, ensuring they grow into successful, happy, and healthy adults despite knowing grief. When they seem OK on the outside, we worry about thoughts and feelings we can’t see. And, even when they are outwardly distressed or their behavior indicates something more is happening, they may not necessarily be communicating their needs in a way we can understand. 

If this describes your circumstances, please know that you are not alone. Understanding our kids’ needs and communicating with our children is a common challenge for most parents under normal circumstances, let alone in the wake of loss. In our work with bereaved military children, we have come to know some of the things your kids may want you to understand about them and some of the things they may want to know from you.

What They Want You to Know

They Are Grieving Their Way — Children and teenagers fare better in their grief when the adults in their lives affirm the notion that everyone, including children, has a unique way of comfortably facing the world and grief. Rather than trying to control their grief, let’s first seek to understand their grief style. A good place to start is observation. Pay attention to how they react to difficult situations. Do they tend to withdraw and isolate, or do they usually talk things out or express themselves outwardly? 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are tools we can share with our children based on their natural inclinations. For example, if your child withdraws or isolates themselves, create opportunities to be with them in a quieter, nonconfrontational space. Play a game, work on a puzzle, or try another activity together. You might be surprised by what they bring up in that type of setting.

They Worry About Your Safety — Children who have experienced the death of a family member often worry about the other adults in their lives. They know on a personal level that people they care about and depend on can die. This is normal, and you do not have to fill the space with statements like, “You have nothing to worry about,” or “I’ll be OK.” You can acknowledge that this is a normal concern and focus more on how you are taking care of yourself and what the plan will be should something happen to you. 

They Want Safe Boundaries — They may not seem to like rules and boundaries, but children and teenagers thrive in environments with clear, established boundaries. Boundaries provide a sense of safety, particularly in grief, when their sense of safety might be compromised. Clear behavioral expectations and consistency in both consequences and positive reinforcement regarding their boundaries offer predictability, which supports healthy development, even amid grief.

Their Grief Is Enduring — Our goal is not to get rid of our children’s grief — the reality is that grief is enduring. It ebbs and flows throughout a child’s growth and development. They revisit their grief in ways old and new as they mature and their brains develop. As adults, we do not need to “fix” or “get rid of” our children’s grief, but we can help them learn ways to cope, make good decisions for their lives, and how to carry grief when they find themselves in the midst of thoughts and feelings.

What They Need to Know From You

You Are Doing Everything You Can to Take Care of Yourself — Children worry about the safety of the surviving adults in their lives. Demonstrating to our children that we are doing everything we can for our health and safety — diet, physical health, and mental and emotional health — goes a long way to acknowledge and calm their concerns. We are all different and may have our unique physical, emotional, and mental health challenges, but they don’t need us to be perfect. But, modeling healthy behaviors and choices for our children in grief can be both a comfort and a way to teach healthy behaviors.

A Plan Is in Place Should Something Happen to You — Though it might be difficult, it is important to consider what would happen to our children if something happened to us; devise a plan; and share that plan with our children. Though they will still worry about our safety, knowing that they will be taken care of, whatever might happen, will relieve some of the stress of the unknown. You might say something like, “I am doing everything I can to take care of myself so I will be around for a very long time, but if something unexpected does happen to me, I want you to know who would take care of you.”

You Are Glad They Are Your Child(ren) — As parents and caregivers, we often praise our children’s accomplishments. This is healthy and certainly warranted, but children fare better when adults also express how much they love and value them. Then, if we take it one step further and demonstrate to them that they are valued and important to us, we reinforce these sentiments. For example, saying, “I am proud of you,” is positive, but often connected to a behavior or activity. Going a step further by saying, “I love you so much, and I am glad you are my child and a part of my life,” expresses that they are valuable because of who they are, not just what they do. 

Saying all of this (or recognizing what is often unspoken from our children) is important in grief — and anytime. But, supporting the words (spoken or unspoken) with action through quality time spent with our children further solidifies familial bonds, a sense of safety, and that you are glad they are part of your world.

PHOTOS: TAPS Archives