Growing Up TAPS: Balancing Grief and Celebration

Holidays and family celebrations may not feel the same after the profound loss of a loved one, family member, or friend. Many long-held traditions are linked to fond memories of past celebrations with our special person. Often, the pomp and circumstance of the season seems too much to bear. This season can bring with it many challenges when we are in the depths of grief. It is equally true that this time of year brings many opportunities to celebrate with our children and model the important balance of honoring our grief and the lives of those who died, and leaning into the love, light, and wonder of the season. Even when life lacks luster after loss, we can strike a balance between joyous celebration and nurturing our grief.

Make Space for Grief

Someone once said that grief has borders. What they meant by this is: Grief takes up space within our lives, and things that occupy the space within cannot be ignored. This is one reason why putting on a happy face, ignoring our grief, and trying to push through as if everything is fine are not effective coping strategies — during the holidays or long term. Our children watch our reactions, and when they see us hide our pain, they often do the same. What if, instead of trying not to grieve, we leaned into key aspects of our grief that the season brings to light? After all, life often carries with it both joy and sorrow at the same time. Making space for grief during this time of year may offer a more balanced approach to self-care during the holidays.

Find Reasons to Celebrate

Although different after loss, many of the reasons we celebrated in the past can still be true for us and our children. We can still acknowledge the purpose of the season and open ourselves up to the wonder of the holidays — embracing traditions old and new. 

Many of the season’s traditional celebrations were born out of great struggle and the long, dark winter nights. Lighting candles, singing songs of hope, and anticipating goodness were all intentional ways throughout history that people found meaning during the harsh winter months. Maybe celebrating the season is as simple as acknowledging what we have all endured and recognizing the courage, strength, patience, and fortitude it has taken to navigate the challenges of grief. No matter what that looks like, let’s make sure we not only reserve space for grief this season, but space for wonder, awe, and meaningful, memorable experiences, too.

Lean Into the Messages of the Season

The holiday season is a wonderful time to reinforce many of the values and virtues we hold dear with our children. Children are vulnerable to so many messages they receive every day of their lives. Particularly in modern times, children and teenagers — through technology — are susceptible to thoughts and ideas that might be contrary to our personal beliefs. Social media messages, online video shorts, and other digital content are accessible and influential to our children’s hearts and minds. Holiday gatherings, faith traditions, and celebrations promote love, joy, acts of kindness, and goodwill — all strong foundations for our children’s lives. The holiday season is a wonderful time to reinforce these core values and virtues while meeting our grief and theirs with hope and meaning. 

Practice Patience

Grief can be messy, disruptive, unpredictable, and overwhelming, and it doesn’t take holidays. When these challenges arise throughout the winter months, it is important to remember they’re normal, and we need to exercise patience with ourselves and our children. The goal of the holidays is not to forget about our grief or avoid all painful memories or thoughts. So, when our grief comes over us, even at what might seem to be the most inconvenient time, we can take a deep breath, make space for our grief, and give ourselves the grace we need at that moment.

Photos: TAPS Archives, Pexels.com, 1SG Michel Sauret, Jerry Folts, LCpl Nataly Espita, PFC Trinity Carter