(Grief’s) Home for the Holidays

As the song goes, “There’s no place like home for the holidays,” but home might feel different after the loss of a special person. Grief moved in and insists on staying for the holidays.  Managing your day-to-day while grieving is challenging enough. Adding seasonal stress and emotions might be too much this year, and that’s OK. To help you slow down and check in with yourself in the comfort of your home, the Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress at the Uniformed Services University and TAPS created a web-based resource that connects eight parts of your home to gentle ways you can care for yourself, your family, and your home this season. 

Front Porch
Security and Safety
Just like the bustling holidays, after your loss, you may have noticed more visitors than usual — friends and neighbors offering support, but the media or organizations offering services, too. Sadly, not everyone who contacts you has good intentions. Your front porch is where you get to decide who you trust and let inside. Take time to identify reliable services, like TAPS and Better Business Bureau-accredited companies, and screen for fraudulent calls and scam emails to protect your privacy and keep you and your family safe. You have permission to set boundaries and say no to uninvited solicitors, guests, and media. 

Living Room
Relationships
In the comfort of your living room, snuggle under your favorite blanket, and use this safe space to reflect on how grief has impacted your relationships. A good friend may have distanced themselves, unsure of what to say or how to help. Maybe you’ve grown closer to a supportive friend or neighbor or found community among a TAPS peer group.  

While you’re fireside and cozy, check in with your own emotions and remind yourself that coping styles can look different between family members, affecting communication. Show each other (and yourself) extra grace and patience right now.

Kitchen
Nutrition
Often called the heart of the home, in grief, your kitchen may feel very different this time of year. If you don’t have time or energy to bake all the holiday treats this year, that’s OK. In deep grief, even if you have an appetite, whipping up the season’s comfort foods — or a healthy, balanced meal of any kind — might feel impossible.

Maybe the opposite is true for you. Emotional eating or over-indulging in the abundant seasonal food and alcohol can impact your health and your mood. Prioritizing moderation and healthy choices isn’t always easy in grief (or during the holidays), but your kitchen is a great space to check in with yourself: Are you giving your body the nutrition it needs to be physically well while you tend to your heart and mind? 

Garage
Home and Family Safety
The start of a new year is the perfect time to assess home safety and maintenance. Routinely checking locks, smoke detectors, alarm systems, and utilities; reviewing emergency plans; and properly storing firearms can ease anxieties heightened by loss while protecting you and your family from potential dangers in and outside your home. Use a checklist to record regular home maintenance so you don’t have to keep track of it while grieving.  

Home Office
Financial and Legal Decisions
While you’re facing overwhelming grief, you may also feel the weight of important financial and legal decisions on your shoulders, especially if your loved one handled these matters. Here in your office, it can feel like you’re making these big decisions alone, but resources are just a click or call away. Lean on your casualty officer, TAPS, and the VA to guide you or point you toward trusted support.

Bedroom
Emotions and Mental Health
There is no “right way” to grieve. Which is great because everyone — including each member of your family — experiences grief differently. However, this makes it hard to know if you need additional support, like addressing post-traumatic stress, survivor’s guilt, prolonged grief disorder — intense feelings of grief that do not diminish over time and impact your ability to function. 

In the quiet of your room, be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you haven’t yet sought support from peers or grief professionals, let the new year be the time to reach out. TAPS can provide you with trusted Care Groups and mental health professionals in your area, and you are always welcome at the recurring Online Group meetings.  

Bathroom
Health and Wellness
Things that were once routine, like personal hygiene, sleeping enough, taking prescribed medication, regularly visiting the doctor and dentist, and monitoring your health, can feel burdensome in grief. But your bathroom is a place of daily renewal, where seemingly small acts of self-care can make a big difference in the way you feel, both physically and mentally. Just a warm shower on a cold winter evening or the scent of peppermint soap can awaken your senses and lift your spirit. 

Yard
Balance and Purpose
Your loss is not something you will “get over,” but you will move forward with the memories, love, and what you learned about yourself through grieving. In your yard, you get reacquainted with people, things, and parts of you that may have fallen away after your loss: your friends and relatives, routines, nature, faith, sense of self, beloved pastimes, and new interests — including some that honor your fallen hero and continue to nurture your healing. 

From your yard, you can look up at your home with the soft winter sun on your face. Though it (and you) have been remodeled by grief and loss, the walls still hold your memories. And, as you come inside, feeling the comforting warmth rush over you, you walk room to room reflecting on your loss, your growth, and the strength you’ve acquired along the way.

Welcome Home
Explore the grief house model, and make the house your own by scanning the QR code. And for support in any room, look no further than your TAPS Family. From casework assistance and webinars to mental health provider connections and peer support, you have a home at TAPS.

Photos: TAPS Archives; CSTS