Finding Your Community

The loss that brought you to TAPS and the secondary losses that follow can impact your connection to the world around you and the people in your circle — even those closest to you. As you navigate your grief and changing relationships, let the words that follow be a guide and source of support.

Changes in Community

You are living with your loss in connection with others and finding ways to grieve together with different personalities, grief reactions, and dynamics with family and friends. Your relationships impact the landscape of your grief. Misunderstandings happen after a loss since each person affected in your circle will experience grief differently. Your emotions are high, and your coping skills are tapped. Each person wants to have their loss validated and acknowledged in the way they are experiencing it. It’s common to want to compare pain, even when you are grieving the same loss.

You may notice that your most intimate relationships with your parents, in-laws, children, extended family with aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends have changed. You have changed, and each person affected by the loss has changed. Because death often makes people feel uncomfortable, interactions can be awkward, leaving you feeling like you did something wrong. You are learning to live with others in unfamiliar ways. As one dad said, “I don’t call it my ‘new normal.’ I call it my ‘not normal.’”

Shifts in relationships can add to your grief. Any previous tension may intensify. When you are living in the fragility of grief, comments that were once viewed as harmless may feel offensive. One mom said, “I had a falling-out with my in-laws after the death of my husband. The conflict left my daughter grieving not only for her dad but also for her grandparents.” Conversely, sometimes current conflicts are put aside early in grief because what once seemed important doesn’t matter much.

Your Home Team

How do you find the companions most helpful to you? Consider who you want on your home team. You may have a wide circle of support, but not everyone is helpful. Identify the roles of those who can support you in different ways. Who is empathetic? Who can be with you in your anger? Who can take daily walks with you? Who can give you a hand with household tasks? Who do you trust to help with your kids? Who can you call, regardless of the time of day or night? One mom whose husband died said, “One night, I woke up with a wicked bout of a stomach virus. I was sick alone for the first time. My husband had always checked on me as I lay on the bathroom floor. I called the friend I knew would answer. She stayed on the phone with me through the night and invited the kids and me over the next day. She made a bed for me, played a movie, and kept me hydrated while my kids played with hers.”

Maybe you feel your home team is lacking. You don’t have the capacity to nurture new relationships, activities, or hobbies you once did. Shortly after moving to a new town, one mom’s husband died while she was still establishing her community. She said, “I spent a lot of time connecting via video calls with my family and friends back home and joined an online group of bereaved moms.” 

Over time, you may discover a newfound capacity to find new routines alone or with others, learn something new, or rekindle a fondness for a hobby you once enjoyed. You may find you want to be with others who have faced a similar loss. One mom said, “When I finally connected with other moms who had lost a child, it felt like they had a passport to my heart that no one else had.” Community-based and online support groups are good places to find those who understand what it’s like to experience a loss like yours.

Remember that any heavy work becomes lighter when you hold it with others. Having a community, no matter how small, to hold your pain will help you move toward healing.

This is an excerpt from When Grief Comes Home: A Gentle Guide for Living Through Loss While Supporting Your Child, published in February 2025 by Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group. It is reprinted by TAPS with permission.

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