by Corky Davis

On October 30, 1988, I found the body of the man I was going to marry. He had fired a single bullet into his mouth with a shotgun. At that lonely, startling moment, my life was forever altered.

In the years since that tragic event, I’m still implementing and acquiring coping skills. I’d like to share with you some of what I’ve learned, with the hope that something I write will be helpful to those who may be struggling with suicide’s aftermath.

Every emotion and feeling is normal... grief, anger, guilt, sadness, confusion.
The decision to end your loved one’s life was not yours. It was not your fault.
You could not have prevented the death. You can’t stay by someone’s side 24 hours a day, every day, to prevent him from taking his life.
Most of my friends and family did not want to talk with me about Will’s suicide. I have two theories on this: 1) They know this is a painful subject for me. 2) It reminds them of their own mortality. I was able to express my feelings and talk about it at survivor support groups and with my therapists.
Post-traumatic stress experienced after the suicide must be dealt with. It is unhealthy to deny or rationalize its effect on your life.
If living one day at a time is too overwhelming, take one hour at a time. At times I focused on getting through five-minute periods.
Be patient — healing is a life long process.
The road to recovery is rough and steep, not smooth and steady. Expect to take steps forward and then slide backwards. Some days will be easier than others.
I try to channel my emotional upset into constructive activity. My healthy outlets are aerobic dancing, riding a merry-go-round and going to the beach where I obtain spiritual rejuvenation of my soul. When I’m at the ocean, I meditate and communicate with my Higher Power.
I try to go somewhere other than my hometown on the weekend anniversary of Will’s death. I don’t like Sundays!
By accepting the fact that I could not bring Will back, and I would have to live with partial answers to my questions, I’ve finally made peace with the “would’s”, “could’s”, “should’s”, “why’s”, and “if only’s” that constantly tormented my life. Suicides are not wrapped up in neat packages. They leave many loose ends. For me, the only peace came with acceptance.
Time can be an ally. I found that the more time that elapsed, the more the emotional intensity of the trauma diminished.
I discovered that pain and loss are inevitable in life, but misery is an option.
In working through the healing process after the tragedy of suicide, I have emerged as an infinitely more understanding and compassionate person.
When I’m the most depressed, I offer my help to someone who needs it, or I do something nice for somebody. The kindness I give to another nourishes me and lifts my spirits. That’s a gift I give to myself.

Joan Rivers once said, “You have to let grief break your heart so that the light can get through.” There is a light at the end of that long tunnel. Reaching that light is worth every painful step. .... -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.432 / Virus Database: 268.17.10/651 - Release Date: 1/24/2007 6:48 PM