The heart of TAPS is its network of loving, caring military surviving family members and friends who have volunteered their time and their compassionate care to become “peer Mentors.” This doesn’t require an academic credential or a technical certification; it requires something much more personal – the shared tragedy of losing a loved one serving in our armed forces. Peers aren’t counselors or advisors, they are new friends who will commit to be there for you, listen when you need to talk, help direct you to resources when you have questions, and become an empathetic friend who you’ll have for life. You share an immediate bond through your connection to the military family and your shared grief over the death of someone precious.

Here’s how it works:

When a call comes into the National Headquarters, it will be a TAPS team member who answers, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They will be focused on listening carefully and then offering immediate resources, information and connection to our network of peer mentors across the country. When a fiancé calls, for instance, they may be feeling “disenfranchised” from military ceremonies and recognition. Not so with TAPS, they are part of our loving family, and become connected immediately with “significant others” who understand and empathize and can offer insight from a personal perspective.

What does it take to become a peer mentor?

First, you must be at least one year beyond your own loss. That’s a rule we have in place to make sure we honor your own grief and are there to give you as much help and attention and care as we possibly can. Second, we hope you will be able to attend at least one TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar. This wonderful event is held each year over Memorial Day weekend in Washington, DC. On the Thursday prior to the Seminar, Peer Mentor Training is held. This is a wonderful chance to meet your fellow mentors and receive important training on everything from effective listening skills to companioning techniques.

And finally, you must make a commitment to be there for those who come to rely on you, just as you relied on your TAPS mentor at first. That means not only saying you’ll take calls anytime, day or night (because we know sometimes those dark moments don’t honor a civilized schedule), but remaining available by phone and email for as long as your new friend needs you. That could mean a lot of time talking long distance on the phone. If this is difficult financially, TAPS can help subsidize your calls. If you have a calling plan that allows lots of long distance time, or you are able to donate this expense to TAPS, make sure you request a letter acknowledging this as a donation to a charitable organization for your taxes.

Peers are matched in several ways – by the relationship (is the caller the father, sister, wife, child, etc. of someone who has died while serving?); by the circumstances of the death (hostile action, sudden illness, suicide, accident, etc.); by family dynamic (for example, are you a 26 year old widow with 4 small children who you are now raising alone?); by geography (when possible); and by branch of service. The most important thing is that you both are comfortable with each other, and if it doesn’t “click” (not everyone does!) then feel free to call and ask to speak with someone else. No one will be offended, we all want this to be an effective support system and we need your input!

Are there things you can’t do?

Peer mentors do not judge or direct, we listen and offer comfort. Some of these things may sound like common sense, but it’s good to review them.

A few of the important things we DON’T do include:

make decisions for our peers;
tell them what to do; don’t say "I would.... you should...I think you should...Do this..."
offer your method of survival as the only successful means for surviving--all circumstances are unique;
offer professional advice;
make a referral to a particular professional; nor do we
influence them with regard to politics, philosophy or religion.

As a recap, our volunteer peer mentors:

Have survived or lost a loved one in the armed forces
Provide strength through active listening and shared experiences
Offer non-medical, non-technical information and guidance
Communicate openly about their experiences with grief
Consent to being acknowledged as volunteer peer mentors
Promote coping with a positive attitude
Allow the caller to make his/her own decisions
Recognize that the survivor has the right to break contact at any time
Are available at reasonable times to provide telephone or e-mail grief support.
Strive to alleviate isolation, confusion, and despair by providing strength through active listening and shared experiences.
Agree on a follow-up plan for the next contact if the survivor wishes or advises them to contact TAPS to make alternative arrangements
Must maintain complete confidentiality Do not influence callers in regard to politics, philosophy or religion Are 18 years of age or older

If you are a volunteer peer mentor, you:

Will be contacted by TAPS and matched to a new survivor;
Arrange a follow-up plan, if any, with the survivor; and
Provide TAPS with information about the success of calls via telephone, e-mail or mail.

Here’s how a typical call comes about:

TAPS gets a call, an e-mail or a letter from someone who is grieving the death of a loved one who served in the armed forces.
TAPS staff gently ask basic information about the survivor, including:
- Their relationship to the deceased;
- Their address;
- Their age, family information, and any other
- Unique criteria that will help us help them.
TAPS tells our new friend to expect a return call by a volunteer peer mentor who will offer care and compassion.
TAPS then finds a compatible volunteer peer mentor based on the profile.
If the volunteer peer mentor is available and agrees to provide support, a decision left to the individual peer mentor's discretion, the mentor will return the survivor's call to provide emotional support through their common experience.
The volunteer peer mentor asks the survivor if he or she would like a follow-up call to check on progress.
Occasionally, TAPS may follow-up by contacting the survivor to request information regarding the usefulness and success of their experience with the volunteer peer mentor network. This process is geared towards continually improving the system.
TAPS remains available always for assistance and support!

The basic concepts that each volunteer peer mentor relays to the survivor are:

They are not alone, someone else understands their pain and grief and above all, their love.
Reactions and feelings toward different situations are not abnormal, irrational or crazy.
They can feel confident that TAPS is in place, which will provide them with practical information and resources, which will help them cope with their grief when they request it.