Count on Grief

Count on grief to increase vulnerability
Human beings are most comfortable when they are in control of their lives and circumstances. Death represents the ultimate “change in plans.” When a loved one dies, our former safety and security no longer seems to exist. Instead, we may experience feelings of helplessness and vulnerability that are frightening, as well as disarming. Yet it is precisely this vulnerability that can break down the walls of resistance to new thought processes and open the way for new perspectives on life in general.

Count on grief to create change
Grieving is a walk through unknown territory. Familiar internal and external stabilities disappear in a whirlwind of changing thoughts, feelings and emotional flux. We are reminded of our pain at odd times and in unexpected ways. Emotions hover near the surface and tears are hard to control. The stress of daily living taxes our protective defenses to the limit. Depression seems to slip in from nowhere and anger erupts without warning. Because grief requires so much emotional energy, our finesse for social game playing is greatly diminished. The bereaved meet the world at a disadvantage, continually surprising themselves and others with unpredictable responses to familiar situations.

Count on grief to change social structure
The bereaved find their social networks changing and transforming around them. Disappointment with family and friends is a common theme. Those we expected to “be there for us” may not be able to meet our needs, and friends we didn’t know we had appear out of nowhere to fill the void. As we come to terms with whatever limitations and expectations we have for ourselves, we also become aware of the limitations of others. Not everyone we care about will receive what they need from us while we are grieving. Not everyone who cares about us will be able to fully share our pain.

Count on grief to define priorities
The bereaved often find themselves realigning their goals and objectives. For most of us, nothing is easy taken for granted after the loss of a loved one. We understand that “now” is the only time there is and that tomorrow may never come. Relationships are more precious than ever and we are less comfortable with “unfinished business” relating to those we care about. Because the cares and concerns of our busy lives pale in comparison to our loss, the emphasis on people versus things takes on a far greater meaning.

Count of grief to increase spiritual awareness
The pain of grief prompts spiritual investigation in to both the known and the unknown. Answers we were sure of before are not always satisfying in the context of our present reality. God is questioned and religion is held up for examination. Typically, there are many stages of distancing, moving toward, and moving within old and new spiritual concepts and beliefs. Our struggle for inner peace and unity seizes many priorities. In the majority of cases, our connection to ourselves and the universe becomes far more defined.

Count on grief to strengthen compassion
Grief tears down the boundaries between ourselves and others. Bereavement enhances our humanness and strengthens our ties to the world around us. Our loss is a life changing event; we will never again be the same people we were before our loved one’s death. Pain somehow opens us to greater levels of awareness and a greater capacity for compassion and understanding. Bereavement provides the catalyst to become more giving, more loving, and more fully aware.

Count on grief to define the past and open doors to the future
Following the death of a loved one, the world is completely new. The death often becomes a reference point around which we define where we’ve been and how we structure a path for tomorrow. Grief provides a “crash course” in some of the most profound lessons life has to offer. As bereaved individuals, we find ourselves with fewer answers, but far more insights. In time, we learn there is not loss without gain and no sorrow without joy. As death closes doors behind us, new doors open before us.

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