"Holiday Help: A Guide for Hope and Healing”

 

We grieve not only the person we love who has died, but also the life we lived with that person-our roles and responsibilities, our companionship, the physical space we occupied together. We also grieve the time we spent sharing the IMPORTANT moments of our life. Holidays represent some of those special moments as each family followed its own rituals, traditions and customs. Each holiday had its own identity, color, texture, flavor, sights and sounds. Those holiday celebration are interwoven with memories of our loved one and when we face those holidays alone, some of those memories may become almost unbearable. Not only are we grieving (again!) our loved one, but we also grieve the holiday/event which has forever changed as well.

 

When we are surrounded by the sights and sounds of approaching holidays, we are reminded again and again that our lives have changed forever. Grief that may have already settled into a slightly more comfortable place or routine in our life may suddenly intensify. We may feel disconnected from the people and events around us. How can we be with people who are trying to be happy when everything around us reminds us of the empty space at the table?

 

Even when we find ourselves in a crowd, we may feel even more isolated than ever. Loneliness is often accentuated during the holidays. It is natural to assess the situations and people around us. We may find ourselves reviewing the past and yearning for the way it used to be. Our traditions, our holidays and our lives are forever changed. What can we do now?

 

The following "holiday helps" are suggestions for helping you cope with the additional stress of holiday grief. Although you may feel like scattered pieces of a broken puzzle, perhaps the pieces can be rearranged, reshuffled and pieced together to form a different picture. Our task is to learn to live with what we've got instead of what we wanted.

 

BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Learn to compromise. Let go of the OUGHTS and SHOULDS. Forgive yourself for surviving after the death of your loved one.

 

BE REALISTIC. It will hurt, especially if there is an empty chair at the table. Don't try to hide or block bad moments. Be ready for them. Learn to decorate with tissue boxes...tears can come at any time.

 

PLAN AHEAD. Grieving people may experience a lack of concentration so learn to make lists. Decide what is REALLY important to YOU and prioritize EVERYTHING!

 

LISTEN TO YOURSELF. As you become aware of your needs, let family and friends know what they can do to help you. Ask for help when you need it.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Exercise regularly (or at least watch someone else!). Eat right. Get plenty of rest. Be NICE to yourself.

 

CHANGE SOMETHING. Don't be afraid to change some traditions. Try whatever pops into your head. Don't toss out everything this year. Keep some traditions. You choose which ones.

 

HOLD ON TO YOUR WALLET You can't buy grief away, but you might try. If shopping is overwhelming, try using catalogues or shop during OFF HOURS when stores are less crowded. You can always give IOU's or gift certificates.

 

DON'T DENY YOURSELF THE GIFT OF HEALING TEARS. Understand that heartaches will appear as you unpack the ornaments and prepare for the holiday season. But don't deny yourself the warm, loving memories that come with each remembered story and tradition. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price we pay for love.

 

SHARE YOUR HOLIDAYS. You don't have to be alone during the holidays. There are lots of lonely people who could use your love and caring. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Visit a nursing home. Collect toys or food for the needy. Share yourself and your love.

 

HANG THE STOCKINGS, PLACE A WREATH ON THE GRAVE. Do whatever feels right for you and your family.

 

BUY A GIFT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE. Give it away to someone who would otherwise not have a gift. When you share love, it grows.

 

WORK AT LIFTING DEPRESSION. Think of things that you enjoy and treat yourself. We cannot wait for someone else to give us joy. Take responsibility for yourself and create your own healing environment. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

 

LOOK FOR JOY. Learn to look for joy in the moment. Celebrate what you do have instead of listing what you're missing. Change the way you look at things. A pair of "rose colored glasses" might help you learn to seek out joy instead of emptiness. Your arms may be empty, but your memory and heart are full!

 

LIGHT A SPECIAL CANDLE. Light a candle during the holiday season in celebration of the love and life you shared, not in memory of a death. Know that you carry that light of love within you, always. NO LIGHT THAT WAS BORN IN LOVE CAN EVER BE DESTROYED.

 

EMBRACE THE MEMORIES. Cherish the memories you have. Ask others to help you retrieve whatever memories they have of your loved one. Ask for pictures, stories, mementos of the life you love so dearly. If you have a memory of someone who has died, wrap it up and give it to those who are left behind.

 

FIND THE GIFTS OF YOUR LOVED ONE'S LIFE. Think of all the "gifts" that your loved one gave to you...joy, safety, laughter, companionship, etc. List these "gifts" on strips of paper and keep them somewhere close to you. Some may put them in a gift box while others may decide to place them in the stocking. Some may decorate the tree with them or simply keep them in a memory book or in a secret place. But, wherever you place them, know these small strips of paper hold treasures far beyond our capacity to understand. They hold tangible evidence that someone lived...that someone loved us enough to give us something of themselves. It is a reminder that we did exchange gifts and that we still have those gifts, even if the giver has gone.

 

Begin to let the joy of your loved one's life take the place of the hurt and pain of his death. They LIVED...WE LOVED...WE STILL DO! LIVE THROUGH THE HURT SO THAT JOY CAN RETURN TO WARM YOUR HEART.

MAY THESE HOLIDAYS BE WONDROUS FOR YOU. MAY YOU FIND THE GIFTS OF JOY AND REMEMBRANCE THAT COME WITH LOVE GIVEN AND RECEIVED. THESE ARE THE TREASURES OF YOUR LIFE. MAY YOU REDISCOVER THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN.

 

Light a candle this holiday.....a candle in celebration of a life well lived and loved. Remember the JOY that used to light your life and let it glow within you-this holiday season and always.

 

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