Offer to call the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) on behalf of the family. It is often hard for the bereaved to initiate phone calls or meetings. Calling on their behalf will ensure they receive information about the various TAPS support programs and gain long-term support for the months and years to come.
Ask the next of kin (NOK) what they would like said in response to “How is he/she doing?” “I kept hearing that my CAO would tell people ‘She’s a wreck!’ I would rather he told people ‘She misses John a great deal’ or ‘She’s very sad’.”
Don’t treat the NOK like he or she isn’t there. They’ve suffered a loss, but most are still able to make decisions. “The CAO kept talking to other people about arrangements and benefits, and acted like I couldn’t possibly comprehend. I’m a CPA and have a better grasp on finances than most! I’m sad, not stupid!
Don’t inadvertently spread rumors. They always get back to the family, and it’s very unkind. “My husband’s body was not viewable, which was actually a comfort since I couldn’t bear to see him in that condition. Yet the CAO was telling people that I was ‘demanding to have an open casket.’ I don’t even know how he got that idea!”
Laughter is on a par with crying for release of emotion and, in many cultures, such as the Irish wake, remembering the departed is a celebration of their life. Don’t criticize the family and friends if they laugh at happy memories or even laugh out of a need to release emotion.
Remember, the NOK and family are most likely in a state of shock and denial. Don’t push acceptance, the heart only lets the head accept what it’s able to handle. Don’t say, “You’ve got to face reality” because their mind and body may not let them until they’re ready to! “People kept yelling at me, ‘You’ve got to accept it! He’s DEAD!’ But I just couldn’t. He’s still the father of my children. He’s still the man I love. Why can’t they just leave me alone to deal with it in my own time?”
Give the family honest answers to questions, when possible, or offer to find an answer. Don’t shield the family from information that’s public, and don’t make up stories if you don’t know. “When I asked about the autopsy report, the CAO told me it was “classified” I couldn’t understand why the condition of my husband’s body after his death would be a cause for national security concern. Months later, I got up the courage to ask the pathologists at the hospital, and they not only gave me a copy, they sat down with me and for hours, they very gently went over the entire report. After they answered all my questions about this death, I could sleep at night without the haunting nightmares.”
Don’t get defensive about the military’s liability. The NOK knows, or will know eventually, that they have no legal recourse for lawsuit against the government, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t want to, and deserve to, know all the circumstances of the death. “My husband’s death was caused by neglect, and in the civilian world it would have been a major lawsuit. But I know that is not an option in the military. It’s been four months and I still don’t have a death certificate. When I ask what happened, they say everyone is restricted from talking to me. What am I going to tell my four small children about their father’s death? And how can we get insurance benefits to live on without a death certificate?”
Don’t do “helpful” things without asking. “Our front door creaked and the CAO was being thoughtful when he oiled it. But now I’ll never hear the sound that signaled my husband coming through the door. I know he was being helpful, but I would have found it comforting to hear that old creak!”
Think of helpful, long-term things that will make the coming weeks/months easier. “My husband’s unit went out and felled a tree, cut and split the wood, and stacked it on my porch. All winter, I had a warm fire going that kept the house from feeling so cold and empty. And each day when I lit the fire I thought of how much they must have loved him to have done such a thoughtful thing.”
During funerals and memorial services, remember common courtesy and kindness. “When they brought my husband’s body back along with the seven other killed, it was a big ceremony that lasted for hours outside in the freezing cold. The countless dignitaries all had seats, but they forgot me standing off to the side. My brother held me up as I stood there shaking and freezing. I thought I wasn’t given a seat because of my husband’s rank. It was all very confusing, but I couldn’t imagine that my not being seated was just an oversight.”
Use all available resources to help the family with memorial services. If someone on base is good with computer graphics, ask his/her help in putting together a memorial booklet for the funeral. Use you best copier to add a photo. “There were several people killed in the accident, and each NOK was assigned a CAO. Some CAO’S produced spectacular memorial booklets for the individual funerals with pictures and elaborate texts and papers. But ours didn’t know how to do that, so we were left without such a booklet and a feeling that Bob was not as well liked at the others, when it was just a matter of graphics talent.”
Keep track of phone messages in an orderly fashion at the home. “There were so many people in the house, just anyone walking by was answering the phone. Calls from overseas relatives were put on hold for long periods, offers for much needed assistance were turned down, and condolences never got relayed. Weeks later, I found a post-it note that had fallen behind a table which read, ‘Colin Powell, Pentagon called, please call ASAP re: death.’”
The stages of grief are not carved in stone and are not the same for everyone. “My husband’s death benefits were so screwed up that it took me months to straighten out the paperwork nightmare. When I went back to the original CAO who had made such a mess of things, he had the nerve to tell me that I wasn’t really angry at him, ‘I was just going through a normal part of the grief process!’ I asked him if the thought my killing him would also be a normal part of that process.’ He laughed and patted me on the head. If I were him, I’d be sleeping with one eye open!”
Be careful in making promises to kids. “So many people offered to take the boys fishing or play with them. Yet no one ever came. The seven-year old waited at the door day after day sure that they would keep their promise. When no one ever appeared he finally concluded it was because they didn’t really like his dad after all.”
Create a book of memories for the children. “The most treasured keepsake the kids have is a scrapbook f memories written by the members of my husband’s unit. They wrote beautiful little memories, sometimes funny, often poignant-remembrances that make us all very happy. We turn to that little book often and it brings John back to life for a moment. What a wonderful gift!”
Scrapbooks are treasures, not “painful reminders.” “The Public Affairs Office put together a scrapbook of clippings from the accident and that is a real treasure for us. We want to know all the details and the best source was the newspaper.”
Add a personal touch; don’t pass information third and fourth hand. “We never got a call from the commander, but heard that he was told by his XO, who got word from the First Sergeant who talked to the CAO that we were fine. A personal call would have been nice. Tom gave his life to the Army while on a mission for that commander! The CO may feel uncomfortable, but imagine how we feel.”
Provide the family with tangible evidence of the death, if they ask for it. We would never expect a jury to convict someone without tangible evidence—fingerprints, a murder weapon etc. “My most treasured possessions are the bits and pieces of the wreckage that were given to me. Having his crumpled steel thermos jug lets me see for myself just how bad the crash was, and helps me accept the severity of the accident that killed my husband. I’ve got the rank he was wearing on his hat, a burned pen-flashlight, his broken headset—and I cling to these crumpled pieces that were with him at his death.”
Visits from helpful relatives are wonderful, but if that family member is not able to devote their attention to the grieving survivor, save the visits for another time. “My mother wanted to stay with me to help me but she kept talking about her own grief and her own needs. I wasn’t strong enough to help her and save myself. It became an emotional drain, and caused s terrible stain between us.”
This is not the time for one-ups-manship! “Everyone feels the need to relate, but telling me they ‘know just how I feel’ because their ‘cat died when they were 5’ or their ‘grandfather died peacefully in his sleep at age 90’ just isn’t the same as my young husband’s violent death when his chute failed to open. I tried to be sympathetic to their grief, but felt awkward. Why can’t people let you just have your own pain without trying to do one better?”