And here we are almost to Memorial Day again.  Heavy sigh.  Sad heart. This is the 9^th one we've "celebrated" since my brother left this earth, and it seems impossible that it's been that long.  But I know it's right, because I just counted them out on my fingers!  Before I know it, I'll need more than two hands to tick off the quickening years.  So much has changed and yet nothing has changed at all.  It's a perplexing paradox to be caught between the past and the future, in this time called the present.  I know that some refer to the "present" as a gift, but I'm just not feeling very charitable right now, I guess.  It's as though the body forges ahead while the heart lags behind, hoarding memories and stuffing them in her pockets.

I remember well when Memorial Day was all about a 3-day weekend which would propel us into summer.  It meant produce stands would begin popping up along county roads and plastic flower vendors would peddle their gaudy bouquets in any available parking lot, reminding passersby to pay their respects at the nearest cemetery.  Memorial Day meant that school days were over and life was about to become F-U-N.  

While I miss those carefree days, wrapped up in my young idealistic perceptions, there is something about this national holiday that now ushers in a welcome sense of renewal for me as an adult.  For one day, the whole nation remembers our fallen.  For one day, they remember our loved ones.  For one day, they remember my brother.  And they mourn with me.  And for one day, the entire country lifts their eyes to the red, white and blue, places their hands over their hearts, and believes that we are truly one nation. 

Yes, I know it's not really the whole nation doing this.  I'm pretty certain it's a miniscule percentage of the population that can even define the purpose of the holiday, but I sometimes prefer blind optimism to disappointing reality.  And yes, I know there are doubters among us and even those hell-bent on terrorizing America.  There are those who have never suffered loss, who have never heard the words "On behalf of a grateful nation…" uttered in reference to their loved ones. (I envy them.) Some will knowingly choose to enjoy the privileges granted by our service members and never acknowledge the sacrifice.  But none of that will stop me from holding on to what I know to be the truth: Memorial Day is for remembering.

And remember, I shall.  

I remember the sacrifice, both my brother's and mine.  I remember your sacrifice too.  Yes, yours.  I remember the very person for whom you grieve.  Perhaps not by name, but in spirit.  I don't need to know how our fallen fell, only that they did. And for that, my heart knows them without ever having met them.  They paid the ultimate price in exchange for our freedom.  What an honor it is to remember!

The days charge ahead, seemingly picking up speed with each passing change of date.  Days become weeks and weeks turn into months.  Time passes whether we want it to or not, but I will stop on this one day and simply remember.  Remember the love, celebrate the life, share the journey. 

How fitting that the root word of memorial is memory.  Happy Memory Day, everyone!

TAPS' own Darcie Sims has a new weekly podcast entitled Good Mourning: The Many Faces of Grief.  Join Darcie, a bereaved parent and child, an internationally recognized speaker and the author of 8 books, as she explores the journey through grief and identifies the choice points we encounter along the way. You will discover you can cry and laugh at the same time, learn tools for coping and find a personal path towards hope.  Hear the podcast or download it on web talk radio.

Before my husband died, Memorial Day was just another 3 day weekend that we got to celebrate his birthday (May 29^th) with a fun adventure.  I never really thought about the importance of it and just enjoyed our time together.  Since his death however, Memorial Day has taken on a whole new meaning. 

I am proud to be an Air Force veteran and am proud of the service I gave to our country.  I am the first to stand with my chest held high when veterans are recognized at sporting events, school assemblies, or any other arena.  That is what Veteran's Day is for…to celebrate those who have served in our nation's military.  Memorial Day on the other hand, is not about me and the others that have served, but rather about those who died along the way.  The men and women who never made it home to their families, whether it be during times of war, deployments, a day at work, or even a drive to the store.

Let me preface what I'm about to say with the statement that I find Facebook to be a blessing and a curse.  It is a blessing in that it has given me the opportunity to stay in contact with so many amazing friends and family that I never would have gotten the chance to otherwise.  On the other hand, it also has a tendency to magnify some of the struggles and difficulties this grief journey has put me through, and is a reminder that there will always be those who just don't understand some of the things we've been through.

I will never forget my first Memorial Day without Jeff.  We were in Washington, DC to see his headstone for the first time and to celebrate his birthday at his grave site.  As I was preparing to head to the cemetery that morning I took a peek at Facebook and saw that a friend had posted a slide show with pictures of her husband's military service.  The tagline read, "A Memorial Day tribute to my husband."  I wanted to scream and tell her, "Don't memorialize your husband when he's still alive!"  But, I couldn't do that, so I took a deep breath and reminded myself that she just didn't understand…and why would she?  I have also seen so many people post on Memorial Day about how proud they are of their veterans, whatever relationship they may be.  I am proud of them too and so very thankful for all of their service, but again, Memorial Day is not for them.  It is for the ones who gave their lives protecting what they loved - this country and all it stands for.

The past few weeks have been a difficult time for the Air Force as there have been multiple plane crashes in a short amount of time.  This truly hits home for me as my husband also died in a plane crash, and in situations like this all of those memories and feelings tend to come rushing back.  I have had numerous Facebook friends post about how thankful they are that it wasn't their loved ones that perished.  Well, of course they are!  However as they revel in their thankfulness, there is another family who is experiencing the hurt, devastation, and unimaginable loss that I felt almost 3 years ago.  Once again, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that when they post these things, they are not saying it to be hurtful and to gloat that it wasn't them, they just simply don't understand…and I truly hope that they never do!

So this Memorial Day, while you are at your celebration BBQ, take a moment to remember those who went before us.  Those whose lives were cut far too short, and those who were never given the opportunity to make it home for another day with their loved ones.  Give a family member or a friend of the fallen a hug, for we also sacrifice, being left to carry on without the physical presence of these amazing military men and women.  Veteran's Day is to say thank you to those who have served, but this is what Memorial Day is about.  Remembering and never forgetting our fallen military heroes. 

Good Morning,

Next we will be observing Memorial Day. No matter where you are, your TAPS family will be thinking about you. Since I will be at the TAPS Seminar in Washington, DC, we will have the same question for both weeks. The Saturday Message dated June 1^st will have the replies to the question: What did you do or are planning to do over the Memorial Day weekend?  Don't hesitate to write whenever you feel the prose come upon you. Send your reply to carol.lane@taps.org

Several survivors combined ways to treat themselves and the celebration of their loved one's birthday. Caryn, Pam, Robin, Donna, and Leslie tell ways they do something special at that time and give themselves and/or others a variety of gifts. Thank you to those who wrote and those who read the Saturday Messages. I love hearing your thoughts, questions that you would like to ask the group, and your replies. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hugs,

Carol

From Caryn, surviving mother of Nathan: My son's birthday is 4/20! Now that date means many different things to people, but to me April 20, 1979 was the day I gave birth to my amazing son, Nathan Alaric!  The 1st year after his passing, we planted a Douglas Fir on his birthday and released his favorite color green balloons with messages on them. We planted the tree above the natural pools in the place he had been swimming since a child. An amazing and beautiful place! Calm and serene!  Because this tree is in the National Forest of Oregon, sometimes weather might keep us from reaching the tree, but we will always release the green balloons!  And I do one more thing, I buy myself a gift, something I'd never buy for myself, but I know Nate would buy for me! He liked to be unique and also buy items from small\other countries to help support them. He was my one of a kind! 

From Pam, surviving mother of Joseph: Joe's birthday is Sept 25th. It's close to the last Sunday of the month, so I am usually going to a Gold Star Mother's Day tea. The first year without Joe, I was invited to the home of President and Laura Bush who hosted a lovely tea for several of us Gold Star moms. It happened to fall on Joe's birthday so that was super special. He would have loved knowing that his old mom was having tea with a president. LOL.

From Robin, surviving mother of Shawn: Now Shawn's b-day was in December, so when he was just a little dud we started having his "Fake Birthday party" on April Fool's Day every year. He had the party in April with all his friends and the one in December was our day with him. No party, no cake… just a hug with a kiss from mom with a whisper "This is the day that I was given the gift of your love." He would smile and just say "I love you too momms".  So now I share his real birthday with those that remember him, and his fake birthday is now the quiet one in which I still whisper the something, but now I close my eyes and just remember that smile and thank GOD for the gift that he blessed me with even if it was for just a moment in time in this earth.

From Donna, surviving mother of Adam: His birthday was 3-9-86. He was killed exactly 1 month before his 24th birthday. How do I deal with this? You have to get creative. Adam loved that we are Irish/Native American and he celebrated both cultures. My daughter, a chef, baked a beautiful cake with 4 leaf clovers. There is a story behind the clovers. Adam's 1st tattoo was a 4 leaf clover with a diamond in the middle. Each leaf represented a sibling and the diamond was for us (his parents). Adam also designed a pendant for me with that same theme. Something else we do is to buy 23 green and white balloons on which we write a note to Adam. We also place a piece of paper inside the balloons or tied to the string with a small picture of him and a mini-bio of his life. That way, whomever finds it learns about a fallen soldier. We send flowers to his grandparents in his name. Birthdays are a sensitive time for all of us and we continue to honor our Hero!

From Leslie, surviving mother of Eugene: Haven't felt much like treating myself to much. But things happen and there are changes. One treat is that I am taking my future daughter-in-law shopping for whatever she wants...she is having my Granddaughter.  This is beyond a treat. I am hoping my son in heaven is giggling that he will be an uncle.  The next treat is planning my wedding to the most fabulous man...thinking Gene arranged this chance meeting.

The Saturday Morning Message (SMM) is a weekly communication; written and contributed to by survivors. The primary focus of the SMM is to foster peer based connection, survivors helping survivors, for support and encouragement along the grief journey. It is the goal of this communication to foster a safe, supportive atmosphere where we can openly share in a non-judgmental and caring manner. Read and contribute as you are comfortable, and explore any opinions/ideas shared that are most beneficial to you on your individual journey. Content submitted for inclusion in the SMM is edited for spacing considerations and grammatical corrections.
If you ever need to speak to someone regarding an urgent matter or just need a listening ear, the loving family at TAPS is available to you 24 hours a day. Please feel free to contact TAPS at 1-800-959-8277.

WASHINGTON - Don Lipstein, of West Chester, Pa., is featured today in a front-page New York Times story by Andrew Lehren and Jim Dao discussing suicide in the military. Lipstein works with the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), which provides comfort and care to anyone grieving the death of someone who died while serving in the Armed Forces.

Lipstein is the father of Navy Petty Officer Second Class Joshua Lipstein, who died by suicide in March 2011. He came to TAPS seeking help and support in coping with the death of his son, and began working with TAPS in 2012 matching survivors for care and support through the TAPS peer mentor program. The program pairs grieving survivors up with others who have experienced a similar loss who have been trained in how to companion someone who is grieving. 

In the article, Lipstein discusses the many factors that played a role in his son's death, including his loss of hearing after surgery for a brain tumor, tours in Iraq, loss of his future plans for a military career, and drug addiction. As Lehren and Dao note in the article, a complex mix of factors are involved with each death by suicide.

For more information, see TAPS Press Release, May 16, or  New York Times Article.