Do you ever wonder why there are always so many expectations put on us as we are working our way down this grief path?  Dealing with the death of a loved one is hard enough in itself, but it proves even harder when the people around you add more pressure as to what they think you should, and should not, be doing.  They want a timeline of when your grieving will be done and when you’ll be back to “normal.”  They want you to get rid of all your loved one’s belongings.  And sometimes, they want you to “move on” and find someone new.  

I recently read an article in the TAPS magazine that really spoke to me titled, “What Grieving People Want You To Know”.  One item in particular stood out above the rest.  It stated, “When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone.  I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.” 

I can only speak for myself, but I have confidence knowing that I am doing what’s best for me and my two boys.  Two and a half years after his death, I still have all of my husband’s clothes tucked away in his dresser and the rest of his belongings packed away in the crawl space and garage. I find comfort in knowing his things are still here.  I find comfort in seeing his pictures around my house.  I have not started dating again and to be honest, I really don’t even want to.  I have not completely closed myself off to the idea of dating, but I very firmly believe that if there is someone else out there for me, then God will put him in my path when the time is right.  I still talk to my husband every night before bed and tell him about my day.  I have little reminders of him all over the place and I am so very proud to talk about him every chance I get.  I still need all of this!  Someday that may change, and when it does I will make the appropriate changes too, but until then, I like his things just the way they are.  This is how I grieve. 

I know my friends and family just want to help and their input comes from a place of genuine concern, but this is the only way I know how to grieve, and this is what is best for me.  Everyone is different.  Every relationship is different, and therefore, every grief is different.  My loss is not the same as their loss, so why do they find it necessary to tell me what I should be doing?  Even for those that have also lost a spouse, every situation is different and what worked for you may not work for me...or for someone else.  Like the quote from the article says, when people tell me I should be doing things differently, it really makes me feel like they’re saying I’m doing it wrong, and that truly hurts.  It hurts on so many levels, but I think mostly because I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job.  I continue to get up every day and live my life.  I refuse to let my husband’s death take the life out of me, too. As another widow friend put it, I CHOOSE JOY!

I choose to be happy.  Sometimes it is the harder choice to make and there are some days that are extremely difficult, but I choose it anyway. I know that those who give me grieving suggestions just want what’s best for me and want me to be happy, but what I don’t think they understand is that I am happy…just a different kind of happy.  This is not the life I chose, but I am choosing to make the best of it.  I am content with where I am right now.  I am enjoying watching my boys grow and I am even taking the time to do things for myself that I never used to do before. 

Life is full of choices everywhere we turn.  I know that I can’t control some of the events in my life, but I can control how I react and deal with them.  I don’t want to live a depressing life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want that for me either.  I love him with all my heart and always will, and I want to honor him by pushing myself to live the best life that I can.  Like I said before, some days take more work and focus than others, but I promise, it’s all worth it!

Good Morning,

Survivors often say some of the hardest days are those that are special to families. Your loved one's birthday may be one of them. Today, survivors share what they do on this distinctive day.

Birthdays are a unique day in the year to each family. The month of May has several days that are celebrated by a larger group of people. That can be problematic for survivors. Have you ever thought of treating yourself? Now, that might sound like something that grieving people aren't able to do, but try it. If there is a day that others celebrate that you think may be difficult, try doing something different from what is normally expected. Think about a place or event that you might enjoy and try it. Remember to make sure you give yourself a gracious way out in case you are overcome. For example, if you think you might like to see a play, sit in the back. You might try this idea just for an hour or perhaps longer. You may have done this activity before and it worked out better than you expected. Share with us what you tried or what you would like to try, so others receive some good ideas. Next week's question is: What do you do to treat yourself?

Hugs,

Carol 

This week's question: What do you do to commemorate your loved one's birthday?

From Kathy, surviving mother of Jon: This summer we are having our 2nd annual 5k in his honor. The night before the race is the dedication and unveiling of a life sized statue of our son and his dog, Hawkeye, running. It will be so nice to be able to go to this park and sit and reflect beside that statue. His friends get together on his birthday and this year will be celebrating the weekend of the run! Last year they all went to Nashville.

From Anne, surviving mother of Michael: Usually on Michael's birthday we celebrate his life by going out to dinner and making a toast to him and the person that he was in this life here on earth. He gave us so much joy just to know him!

From Alice, surviving mother of Austin: We "celebrate" Austin's birthday with a cake and balloon messages at the cemetery. We refer to this as "Daddy's Special Place." Austin believed everyone should have a birthday cake, no matter the circumstance. I managed to send one to Iraq along with a can of frosting and candles. He continues to have a cake every year and his beautiful Anna Lee, now 5 years old, makes a wish and blows out the candles. I give Austin a special birthday gift. My mission in life is to see that his memory stays alive with his precious Anna Lee and to do things for her he no longer can. How can one have a birthday party without presents??? At Austin's party, Anna Lee opens a gift from her Daddy. The joy and sparkle in her eyes when she receives a gift celebrating her Daddy's birthday is the thanks I receive from above for being there when he cannot. It is a very special moment for me and my own, personal way to celebrate that day so long ago when Austin and I met for the first time.

From Larry and Lolieta, surviving parents of Evan:  Evan's 29th birthday is coming up next Sunday, May 19th.  This week will be difficult for our family as we think of a little blonde boy who grew up to be a 6'6" handsome, strong, proud naval officer.  We will spend it together at our older son's home, with his family.  We will enjoy the laughter and love of grandchildren who, at their young ages, are blissfully unaware of the sadness we will all be sharing.  Our son's home is in a wooded area.  We laid some of Evan's ashes at the base of a tree, close to where the children play every day.  We think of Evan watching them play and grow and keeping them safe.  And since it is a wooded area with a brook nearby, we also think of a turtle visiting every once in a while.  On Evan's birthday we will go to the tree and talk to him and tell how very much we love him and miss him.  We do this at other times, but especially on his birthday and the day of his loss.  It is also a day to celebrate his birthday with cake and ice cream.  The kids will sing happy birthday to Uncle Evan!

From Denise, surviving sister of Gary: My brother, Gary, died stateside on August 30, 2011. We have gone through two birthdays with another coming in November. The first one was so close to his death, I actually don't remember what I did…I think I just cried. I was in a bad spot then…Last year, I decided to donate to an animal shelter in Gar's name. Gary always loved animals and thought it cruel how some were treated. I also made a video for his memorial, which we watch occasionally, but definitely on his birthday. Since I live in NY and Gary is buried in Pittsburgh, I don't get to see him for his birthday. I try to go to the cemetery around the date of his passing; saying hello and letting go of balloons with the kids. They like to write little notes on the balloons to him "knowing" he will read them before he takes the balloons away with him. I got a tattoo in memory of my brother. It is a thing I told him I would NEVER do! LOL! I look at this often, but on his birthday, I am reminded how much I loved him knowing I had said I would never have done it!

From Mary, surviving mother of Timothy: On Timothy's birthday, August 12, I send beautiful cards to my friends reminding them of my hero son's birthday and asking them to think of him and pray for him.  I get tremendous relief from doing this as I believe we are all part of the human family and we must think of our deceased loved ones to keep them alive in this world. 

From Mary-Ann, surviving mother of Blake: What we have done on the last 3 birthdays for our Blake is to have a mass said for him and we have his siblings and their families over for dinner. We have Blake's favorite dinner, spaghetti pie and for dessert we have his favorite Cherry Delight Pie. He used to always want a birthday pie instead of a birthday cake, since he preferred pie over cake. So that is what I always did for him. By doing this the family is together to celebrate his life. We talk about the good memories we have and laugh about all the funny things Blake used to say and do. Blake was always known for his quick, witty sense of humor. One the other hand if one of us is having a day of the blues, we can be there to love and support one another. This has been working well for us, so far, and helps us to keep him alive in our hearts.

From Susan, surviving mother of Jeanne: There is only one place we want to be on Jeanne's birthday and that's with her. So we visit her at her gravesite at West Point Military Academy Cemetery. It has been 4 years and we never miss her birthday. She was born in February, so it is usually very cold, but being with her warms our hearts.

From Susan, surviving mother of William Zachary: On the first birthday without him I had a party for him. His sisters and I and some of his friends came to my house and we had cake and his favorite food- pizza. I had a cake made of flowers out at his grave site, so his friends could go by and celebrate with him. We are working on year 4 and I still put his cake there so everyone who wants to can still celebrate with him. I take the day off of work and visit with him and go out to eat (for that is what he would want me to do).

From Leslie, surviving mother of Eugene: All holidays are difficult, but remembering the most joyous day is particularly hard. I make it simple. I go to the cemetery. It's cold 'cause it's December and then I go holiday shopping. He would get a kick out of that.

The Saturday Morning Message (SMM) is a weekly communication; written and contributed to by survivors. The primary focus of the SMM is to foster peer based connection, survivors helping survivors, for support and encouragement along the grief journey. It is the goal of this communication to foster a safe, supportive atmosphere where we can openly share in a non-judgmental and caring manner. Read and contribute as you are comfortable, and explore any opinions/ideas shared that are most beneficial to you on your individual journey. Content submitted for inclusion in the SMM is edited for spacing considerations and grammatical corrections.
If you ever need to speak to someone regarding an urgent matter or just need a listening ear, the loving family at TAPS is available to you 24 hours a day. Please feel free to contact TAPS at1-800-959-8277.

The last Christmas gift I remember from all three of my brothers was a Thomas Kinkade print of a cottage with a lot of bright flowers. That's back in my floral phase which is now, thankfully, past me. I still have that print; I think gifts from Jon won't ever be discarded. I am not a pack rat or a hoarder by any means, but gifts with great sentimental value are definitely in safe keeping.  At first it bothered me that I didn't have anything of my brother's personal effects except a dog tag, which I never wear except on his birthday and death date, mostly because I am terrified of losing it. Then I realized I have gifts from his life all around me. Some are tangible, some are not. 

I attended the Las Vegas sibling retreat with TAPS in 2011 and though I had so many different conversations about Jon and other siblings who died while serving in the military the one comment that was made to me and my two surviving brothers that has resonated with me was, "Y'all are so normal." I laugh when I type that comment, because our journey together could be described as anything but normal. I loved that someone could look at the three of us and describe us as normal.  It was evidence to me of how far our healing had come, and also of the newly developed relationship between the three of us.

I have been told, and now strongly believe, that grief will either divide a family or make them closer, especially the loss of a child/sibling. In the very early months following Jon's death, we instituted a weekly mandatory family night. Over dinner we learned to be a family again. It was hard work to get past that feeling that someone was missing, the one you have at holidays when someone can't make it…the feeling that your party isn't complete. We would share a meal together and discuss our lives.  Did I mention that it was hard work? But then again, aren't all relationships? I think because of the sweat, blood and tears forged over family nights we were able to be a surviving family, not the one who drifts apart.

The four of us siblings span 9 years, Jon being the oldest and Joshua the youngest; Benjamin and I sharing the dreaded middle child seat. For years none of us would discuss Jonathan's death amongst each other. The first time we shared a substantive conversation about it was with other bereaved siblings at the TAPS retreat, which is why that comment about being normal was funny to me. I realized that we didn't have to "talk" about it. We shared a traumatic experience and formed a bond that no one could ever understand.  Even other bereaved siblings didn't have our same background, family history or know our Jonathan.  I realized on that retreat that my deceased brother gave me and my surviving brothers a wonderful gift…he brought us a deeper relationship.

We are now able to talk about Jonathan together. We laugh more than we cry these days. He was not closer to one of us than he was to another, but we each had a different dynamic to our relationship with Jonathan and thus a different aspect of who he is to share with each other. His stories never get old. I still grieve over the lost future relationship with Jonathan.  I probably always will with each new life transition, but I will treasure the gift of friendship I now have with Ben & Josh. They are my "little buddies" as Jon used to say. We will always love and miss him together, and I am grateful for that gift. 

Good Morning,

Survivors wrote this week about special places they shared with their loved ones. Several people talked about going to a particular location on the day such as a birthday when they celebrate the life of their loved one. Let us share ideas of what we have done or plan to do to commemorate that particular day, so the question for next week is: What do you do to observe your loved one’s birthday? I look forward to reading your answers.

Hugs,
Carol 

From Bill, surviving father of Brandon: There are so many special places and as I pass them on my journeys, I look at them with tears of joy and sadness knowing that he was here, but yet never more. One spot would be in our garage where we spent a lot of time teaching each other so many things. Seven or eight months after his death, still in a fog, I went to the garage trying to stay busy. One afternoon I came across a note written on the back of a small box on a shelf and as I turned that box around the words, “I love and miss you Poppa, with all my heart. Your son, Brandon,” struck me like a lightning bolt. I saw it as him telling me that he knew that he was loved and he needed me to know that in our garage. The spot!

From Tammie, surviving mother of Gregory: I thank God for my TAPS, family, because when I read the responses of others and how they cope and survive through their great loss, it makes me feel like I'm not losing it. We all share some of the very same feelings and emotions. I just celebrated, Gregory's 27th birthday on April 21st. He was born with asthma and he was a fighter from birth. I'm a nurse today, because I cared for my son. When I go to work, I think of Gregory and how he inspired me to become a nurse, I think of him every time I walk into the building where I work. I practically raised Gregory and his three siblings at the clinic where I worked to provide for them as a single parent. I bought a time share, so that I could escape with the children and enjoy time away from the normal routine. Because we had to have structure to survive and be organized, we were team ANDERSON. My most memorable thoughts of my beloved Greg were at the beach. He and all of us absolutely love the ocean, fishing and enjoying God’s creation - the water. After Gregory’s birthday celebration, I drove to the time share and spent 4 days remembering all the most beautiful times we had at the beach. Just reflecting. The sound of the ocean calms my spirit, so I truly feel his presence. I'm grateful and I honor him as my true Hero.

From Jeanne, surviving mother of Todd: It is now 2 ½ years since that early morning alone in the house that I received the news that Todd had been killed. On April 2, there will be a Virginia Run for the Fallen organized by Honor and Remember. The participants including Wounded Warriors will run 8 minute miles from Virginia Beach to Arlington National Cemetery. At each mile there will be a marker for a VA fallen soldier. I will be at Todd's marker to rally on the runners. That place at the side of the road will then be a "special spot" that in some way I share with Todd. There are many others - the woods and park where we enjoyed summer days and of which I painted a painting of a memory when Todd was a little boy. Also baseball parks where Todd enjoyed watching ball games or playing ball. Sometimes seeing these places brings me sorrow and sometime it brings me tremendous joy remembering his zest for life. Recently, Donn and I attended the 2nd annual ROTC Awards Ceremony at Todd's College Alma Mater in order to present the "1LT Todd W. Weaver Military and Scholastic's Excellence Award". It was held in the same auditorium where Todd was sworn into the Army by his father in 2008. It was a shock to me when I realized the building I was entering was that same building. I had to work to keep my composure. But now, it, too, becomes one of those special spots.

From Bob & Kitty, parents of John: Our unforgettable location would be on the Big Island of Hawaii. Christmas of 2002 our son, John, invited us to go with him and his wife to the Volcano House and see the island itself. While we were outside of the Volcano House looking over the cauldron a voice from behind us said "Bob, what are you doing over here?" The voice came from a retired teacher who I worked with in LA. John looked at me and said "My God, do you know everyone?" Almost everywhere we went we met someone we knew from the states. It was and is always fun to amaze your children (even as adults) with who we are and what we know. We laugh about his quote often as it reminds us of the closeness we are to each other. TAPS is awesome.

From Leslie, mother of Eugene: Eugene was stationed at Buckley Air Force base in Aurora, Colorado. I hadn't seen him for quite some time. He was due for leave and invited me to spend his week off in Keystone which is a little over an hour away from the base and far enough that he had to call the Master Chief at specific times during the day due to his security clearance. I picked him up in the rental and off we went...just Gene and me. Couldn't think of a better way of spending his birthday week.... having fun and lots of laughs. He went snowboarding and I stood there with there with hot dogs and hot chocolate which he consumed on the way down. We had great dinners, saw a movie, and went swimming where half the pool was outdoors. We swam while it was snowing!!! After the week was up I had to bring him back to the base. What shocked me was that he unloaded my suitcase and did all my laundry! While that was being done he took me around to not only see where he lived, but to meet some of his new friends. What a fabulous week that was.

From Caryn, surviving mother of Nathan: In my situation, losing both my son and husband within 8 months of each other, I have different spots for each. For my husband it’s anywhere there’s a large body of water. The ocean is my preference, but even a waterfall will do. Now for my son, Nathan, there’s not one special spot. He loved nature and loved to walk, so I feel him with me on long walks especially in the woods. He was really into music and he loved most genres which would have shocked some of his friends who considered him a “hippie” from the past. I now have his iPod and as I listen to his songs. He loved the music for the 60s & 70s, but he also loved classical and there’s some country on there as well. It brings me closer to him just listening to his music. Then there’s the Douglas Fir we planted on his birthday 2 years ago in the National Forest above the natural pools where he swam since he was in the 7th grade. Such a beautiful, serene place that is so Nate – total nature 24/7 and he would have loved it! His friends join with us up there on his birthday each year as we celebrate Nate and release balloons. His tree is growing strong and has grown 2 feet since we planted it. This is a place I can visit any time! So you see, there are more sounds and sights that bring back special memories than specific places (except for the tree). And in this way I can have those special moments and memories anywhere, anytime I choose just by going for a walk in the right place!

The Saturday Morning Message (SMM) is a weekly communication; written and contributed to by survivors. The primary focus of the SMM is to foster peer based connection, survivors helping survivors, for support and encouragement along the grief journey. It is the goal of this communication to foster a safe, supportive atmosphere where we can openly share in a non-judgmental and caring manner. Read and contribute as you are comfortable, and explore any opinions/ideas shared that are most beneficial to you on your individual journey. Content submitted for inclusion in the SMM is edited for spacing considerations and grammatical corrections.

If you ever need to speak to someone regarding an urgent matter or just need a listening ear, the loving family at TAPS is available to you 24 hours a day. Please feel free to contact TAPS at 1-800-959-8277.

TAPS was thrilled and honored to receive a donation from the good people at HomeField Grill in Round Rock, Texas.  Asking themselves, how can we help, the owners decided to donate a significant portion of their sales over last year's Memorial Day weekend.  The Grill’s management team was asked to choose the recipient group, and they all agreed that the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) was the perfect organization to recognize. 

In their own words: "Through donations like ours, TAPS is able to help and support thousands of grieving families and loved ones of fallen military men and women. What TAPS does for families of the fallen is truly moving. Every patron that entered our restaurant throughout Memorial Day weekend was proud to play a part in honoring our fallen military by aiding their survivors.  Thanks, TAPS, for everything you do! HomeField Grill was proud to contribute to such a wonderful organization."

When we read words like these and receive donations, our hearts fill with pride in the American people and the knowledge that sacrifices are not forgotten.  We humbly accept the kind deed by HomeField Grill and its patrons on behalf of the parents, spouses, siblings, and children of our fallen military heroes.  

Are you a business owner that would like to do a fundraiser for TAPS? Find details on the TAPS Organize an Event page to submit your idea.  We can even email you some electronic signage if you want to customize a poster or brochure for your event.  Thank you for your consideration.